Ho Ho Ho, my fellow AITH-ers! It’s a Christmas wish come true to be back and writing an article for the greatest horror website on the freakin’ net! Which brings me to my current crusade at hand: educating my holiday hacker fiends properly in the joys of the wrongfully lamented 2006 remake, BLACK CHRISTMAS!
Wait! Don’t click away yet! I’m serious as well as sincere. Don’t get me wrong, I consider Bob Clark’s original 1974 BLACK CHRISTMAS the GODFATHER of horror films. And this article is meant to take nothing away from that masterpiece. I merely feel that the remake has been unjustly judged and deserves a larger viewing audience than it may have originally amassed. Of course, I plan to fully back up my humble humbug of an opinion. No scornful animosity here. Just merry mistletoe greens and warm splattering blood reds! Let’s do this!
THE TRAILER
Since this will be a fairly in-depth discussion, I guess I should point out first that there will probably be a bunch of SPOILERS, however nothing I say could possibly ruin the high entertainment factor of this film. First off, forget about witnessing some sort of modern cinema classic. Most horror slashers never strive to hit that kind of mark and BLACK CHRISTMAS ’06 is no different. What’s refreshing about director, Glenn Morgan’s stab at Mr. Clark’s timeless treasure is that it makes no mistake or apologies about knowing exactly what kind of film it is: a sick, gore-loaded, dark-humor-laced, mean-spirited, Grinch bastard! Never have I ever seen a major studio release of a horror flick give less of a shit about offending an average moviegoer’s senses than the kind of over-the-top carnage we’re treated to here. It’s the kind of stuff every fun-loving horror fan craves, which is exactly why you should love it!
I have heard complaints that the kills in the flick are all the same. Honestly, I’m not sure what kind of pine-needle reefer these people have been smoking because I just watched the damn thing again and NOT ONE death is identical. We are treated to a wide holiday assortment of executions by plastic bag, ice skate, icicle, a f*cking candy cane, and more! And each one sports gushing gobs of blood redder than Santa’s suit! Perhaps the naysayers are focusing solely on the eyeball trauma theme, which does have a streak of consistency throughout the flick. However, said socket slashing actually plays a very plot-centric role and it’s so freakin’ grotesque that any true horror fan would gladly welcome it more than once.
Speaking of plot, I’m proud to report that BLACK ’06 actually tries to map one out! I’m not saying that the script is flawless (because it ain’t), but there are some nice stabs at character development and back-story. I know that some folks balked at the notion of fleshing out the killer, Billy, but the ’74 original already did the “mysterious random killer” idea to perfection. So I was pleased to receive a little something different for the remake and not just a pointless rehash. Plus, the flashbacks to Billy’s f*cked-up childhood definitely deliver some vintage-y, vomitous cheer.
Also, the story may be devoid of any real suspense (unlike the spine-tingling original), but so are most slashers these days. What sets BLACK ’06 apart, is how clearly the filmmakers are in on the fact that we are supposed to know where and when a particular character is about to bite it. And I actually find it extremely amusing because we are introduced right from the get-go the gloriously brutal brand of murders that the movie will be treating us to! So, the anticipation of receiving another and another becomes equally as enjoyable as a heaping helping of mysterious suspense! In a way, it’s kind of like Christmas — sure, we know we’ll be receiving presents, but the merriment resides in finding out what’s underneath all the wrapping paper! I hope that makes sense.
Like I said before, there are a few flawed features within the flick’s script that I’m pretty sure resulted from studio tampering. Regardless, I’m still going to address said flaws and try to give you good enough reasons to ignore ’em and not ruin your enjoyment. First off, the inclusion of not one, but two killers. It’s not the “two killer” angle that bothers me, rather than the extreme coincidence that Billy escapes from his mental institution after fifteen years on the same night that his long-missing, inbred sister, Agnes, decides to start offing people in her old house. I’ve racked my brain over this many a time and still don’t truly have a final explanation. Basically, I just chalk it up to either some sort of 15-year anniversary or Agnes was somehow able to contact Billy at the mental institution to make plans. Regardless, for the movie to delve into this would have most likely detracted too much from all the fun action at hand.
The second script “eh” comes in the formation of the ending. Not the very ending, but the “oh the killers really aren’t dead” non-twist that comes right before it. After a large fire at the sorority house, the movie cuts immediately to the hospital where the survivors of the massacre have already been brought. Our two still-alive killers have miraculously hitched a ride to the hospital’s morgue in a pair of body bags along with the people they’ve just carved up. This one always got to me because 1) It makes absolutely no sense why coroners would load them into body bags if they were still alive and 2) Because of that, it gives the very random impression that these two killers are “Jason-like” immortal. At least this can all be pretty easily solved through the reasoning that Billy and Agnes somehow snuck into the body bags amidst all the chaos. But since it’s never shown, we’ll never really know.
Okay, enough with the negatives. Let’s cap off this baby with a swift sleigh ride of positives! The cast is just top notch — a virtual smorgasbord of sorority hotties (Michelle Trachtenberg, Katie Cassidy, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert, Crystal Lowe, and Jessica Harmon) who really know how to dish out the bitchy! Everyone else rocks it around the Christmas tree as well from Andrea Martin (co-star of the original) to Kristen Cloke (Mr. Morgan’s wifey). The completely decked out set is a hoot as well with loads of colorful lights and glowing outdoor figures. And the nice selection of holiday tunes really pumps up the seasonal spirit too. It truly is impossible not to have a super fun experience, especially around this time of year!
So, in case you’re looking for any last minute gifts for the special serial killer someone in your life or just want to pick up a sweet stocking stuffer for yourself, choose BLACK CHRISTMAS ’06. I wish you all the happiest of holidays and healthiest of new years! Also, please don’t go investigating any strange noises you hear up in the attic…
X-MAS star Lacey Chabert! Ho Ho Ho!