By Ammon Gilbert
I know I’m going to receive an inbox full of hate mail for this, but
Michael Myers really should have died at the end of HALLOWEEN. He’s not some
evil spirit sent from hell to murder teenagers, he’s not an indestructible
zombie back from the dead to seek revenge, he’s not a machine, he’s not a ghost,
he’s not immortal- he’s just one pissed off, crazy motherf*cker with a sick sister fetish. I don’t care how crazy you are, there’s no way
you can have your eye poked out with a wire-hanger, stabbed in the chest with a
kitchen knife, have a handgun totally unloaded into your chest at point-blank
range, and fall flat-backwards from a second story balcony and still be alive.
It doesn’t work for the reality of the movie, which is set in a more
real-life, suburban setting than that of fantasy. Sorry Mike, but you should be dead!
Possibly the biggest bitch in cinematic history, Beth Grant’s Kitty Farmer from DONNIE DARKO really, really, really needed to die. She was one of those people that you wish would do us all a favour and keel over. Her obsession with Sparkle Motion, Patrick Swayze and the idea that everything is a direct result of ‘fear’ all contributed to her spot on the list. Being overly preachy, overly bitchy, and having one of those looks and personalities that makes one cringe and utter “that f*ckin’ bitch!” in every scene she’s in, gave us an unforgettable character… one that we’ll hate for the rest of our lives. The best case scenario for Kitty would have been her walking across the street only to be unexpectedly plowed down by a speeding bus FINAL DESTINATION style. That would have been cause for a standing ovation!
I don’t understand it. How does a guy like LL always manage to trick the audience into thinking he’s dead, only to miraculously show up later in the final reel? Serving as comic relief as both a security guard in H20 and a cook in DEEP BLUE SEA, LL leads us to suspect he’s been stabbed to death by Michael Myers, or ripped apart by a killer shark. And as the end comes closer… he pops back up, unhurt, with only a tiny gash on his shiny bald head. Come on! Security guards and cooks aren’t supposed to live! They serve as easy body count for our beloved killers. Yo LL, cooks only live if they’re named Steven Seagal! Do us a favor, follow Samuel L. Jackson’s lead, and pick a role in which you bite the bullet- your fans will love you for it.
Maybe I’m just a big softy, but at the end of David Cronenberg’s THE FLY, I felt really bad for ol’ Jeff Goldglum, taking his own life with a shotgun blast to the head. Sure, his fly-self was disgusting in every aspect of the word, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel bad for the guy! What makes me feel worse is the bearded Stathis Borans (John Getz), Geena Davis’s on-again, off-again asshole of a boyfriend/boss was left standing at the end of the movie! Ok, not standing, as both his leg and arm were melted off in a gore-ific fly puke demonstration party. But the guy was asking for it throughout the entire movie! All he wanted was to bone down with the Fly’s girlfriend- the bastard! How awesome would it have been to watch his face melt away via fly puke, in an overtly gooey death, at the end of one of the nastiness films ever made?
How does a condescending asshole like Dr. Silberman (Earl Boen) survive not one, not two, but three encounters with the ultimate killing machine? He really needed to die from the get-go, with his smug comments on how ‘crazy’ Sarah and Kyle were. They told you the truth buddy! If he didn’t leave the police station so early, he would have been blown away along with the rest of the police department. We get a second chance to watch his cocky disbelievin’ ass get terminated in T2, but does he get in the line of fire of the T1000? Not this biotch. He survives, to pop back up in T3 as comic relief. (sigh) Why is this chode the most returning character in the TERMINATOR saga? He really should’ve died back in ’84.