By Ammon Gilbert
I’m sad to report that a rapper-turned-actor has yet another slot on this list, but how can we not have Busta Rhymes from the horrible H8? Unlike his counterparts, Busta has no acting capabilities whatsoever. In fact, he does such a poor job, that it might very well be one of the worse performances on film. Ever. A performance this bad deserves a good knife to the head, or one of those webcams shoved up his ass. Wearing Myers’s mask, he talks shit and practically bitch-slaps him… yet he’s not gutted? If it were anyone else, he would’ve been sliced, diced and pinned to the wall. His silly dialogue (dropping the F-bomb every other word) was more annoying than amusing, and the fact that he’s the one who gets the credit for killing Myers (in probably one of his weakest deaths yet) is a cryin’ shame.
So what if Feldman’s Tommy Jarvis is the grown up hero of JASON LIVES, he really should have died at the end of FINAL CHAPTER. Jason’s an 80’s icon, and deserved more than one of the Corey’s killing him off. Feldman was a runny-nosed, punk-ass momma’s boy with no friends, a nuisance to his hot sister, and I have a feeling even his dog didn’t like him that much. Wouldn’t it have been fitting if Jason took one look at his “formal self” and decided he wanted to leave that part of his past behind, taking his machete and lopping off Feldman’s head with one sloppy swing? Feldman could then look back at his wasted career and be proud of the fact that he was the one kid Jason brutally murdered.
Sequels are supposed to up the anty from the original. What we got with I STILL KNOW was a stupid concept, minimal body count, and pop-star Brandy taking a break from her singing career. She was an annoying, stuck up prude who well deserved to be gutted like a fish. But is she? Do we at least get some sort of compensation for sitting through this steaming pile of donkey crap? Not on your life. Brandy survives with minor injuries, and we get robbed of the single guilty pleasure we were all hoping for- that Brandy would fittingly have her throat slit, or her jugular ripped out. Maybe, just maybe then the movie would be remembered for more than just being a shitty sequel.
Picture this: you’re the Creeper, you wake up from 26 years of slumber, you’re hungry, you see a bus load of high school kids driving down the freeway through butt*ck nowhere, you sabotage their bus- they’re nothing but jocks and cheerleaders from a losing team with bad attitudes, and high egos. Do you a) take your sweet ass time and only pick a few of them off, leaving the most annoying of the bunch alive for shits and giggles, or b) act like your a hardcore killing machine who’s hungry as hell, has a low tolerance for stupidity, and takes full advantage of the situation by killing each and every one of them- ensuring audience satisfaction and a chance for another sequel? Sadly, we got A- with an ending that left most of the bus still breathing, ultimately making this one of the worse slasher movies ever.
They’re the family you love to hate- a group of sick and twisted cannibalistic individuals who tortured the unsuspecting teenagers that lonely day in Texas. Sure, Sheriff Hoyt got good and f*cked up at the end, but wouldn’t you have just loved to have watched the rest of the family meet their demise? The freaky Tea Lady in the trailer, Old Monty with his nasty stubs, or Leatherface himself? Now that would have been a satisfying ending! They were the kind of character’s that made you feel uncomfortable just watching on screen. By the end of the movie, after all that tension, and all that build up, it would have been great killing the entire family, giving us one of the most satisfying horror movie endings ever.