Watching movies on TBS in 1990 might have been convenient, but it came with a few drawbacks that made the experience feel wildly different from having a bona fide VHS version of the film. For one thing, no one likes having their movie-watching experience interrupted by commercials. Still, what if something worse comes along to sour your enjoyment of the show? Like a bad dub, for example. When director Renny Harlin’s Die Hard 2 aired on TBS back in the day, the Turner Broadcasting System censored portions of the film’s dialogue to keep the film’s foul language from reaching the virgin ears of viewers worldwide.
Instead of muting the words, TBS hired voice actors who sounded nothing like Willis or his co-star, Dennis Franz, to record clean replacement lines for general audiences. The result is one of the single worst (and best) examples of bad dubbing in television censorship history, though I must admit, it’s also outright hilarious.
When classic dialogue goes bad
In the movie, John McClane delivers his iconic line “Yippee-Ki-Yay, motherfucker,” but in the TBS version, he says, “Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mr. Falcon.” I’m not sure if it’s the change in dialogue or the voice actor who sounds nothing like Bruce Willis that is funnier. To make matters worse, there’s no character named Mr. Falcon in the movie. Yes, the villain in the movie, Colonel Stuart, arrives on a plane using the military callsign “Falcon 1,” but c’mon!
While the “Mr. Falcon” line is by far the most iconic, TBS’s made-for-TV version of the movie includes other riotous dialogue changes, including the line, “Right on my sandwich, after you kiss it.” Other lines include McClane’s rant about unruly reindeer, a comment about being hip-deep in snow, and the classic “No pictures, you pinko witch” line. I’ll let you figure out which word they replaced with that one.
According to people with way too much time on their hands, characters in Die Hard 2 use the F-word 63 times. That means there are 63 instances of TBS changing the film’s dialogue to air on its channel, and that’s just for the one word. As you know, there are plenty of others.
Nothing but love for sanitized dubs
Sanitized dubs of movies are hilarious. If I want the real deal, I’ll pop in a Blu-ray or download the film via a digital platform. It’s no skin off my back to go that extra step. However, when I’m at a friend’s house, and a movie is on in the background (which is always the case when I go to my friend Brad’s house), I get to see some of the most ridiculous changes to movies I know by heart. It’s an interesting experiment of sorts, and alternate versions of these movies exist, if only to get a genuine chuckle from them now and then.
Do you have a favorite “bad” dub of a classic movie? Is there a film you’d like to see get a horrendous dub? The Big Lebowski? Scarface? Alien 3? Let us know in the comments section below.
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What’s Not Allowed