HALLOWEN means different thing to a lot of people. For some its
the opportunity to dress up and get some candy – or try to contact the dead and get
hand-jobs in a cemetary. For others, its all about costume parties or/and
watching horror movies with Buds (the beer) and buds in tow. And then you have
one track ponies like me who see it as the ideal opportunity to get laid…while
wearing a Voorhees mask no less.
So here are the three films that I already have stacked next to
my DVD player. I call em “lock the deal horror films”
in the sense; you meet a hot chick at a Halloween Party, you take her home with
the horniest of intents, you offer her a drink, put one of these films in the
player and bam you lock the deal old school. Hopefully they’ll work for ya…shit…
they better work FOR ME!
“VAMPYRES (1974)”
Directed by: José Ramón Larraz
Starring: Marianne Morris and Anulka Dziubinska
Click pic for uncensored version.
WHAT’S THIS HORNDOG ABOUT:
Two mega lesbian vampire babes who also bang (and munch on) men (so I guess
they’re mega bi-sexual vampire babes then) spend their time hitching for rides off a
desolate country side road. Why? Well their game is that they get picked up by
“thinking with the wrong head” gents and then the dames bring them home to
tasty-delight their asses.
HOW CAN IT HELP LOCK THAT DEAL:
This cult classic reeks of 70’s British Gothic tone which is always good
news to me. There’s just something about that specific type of genre film
atmosphere that makes my Jeans move all by themselves. Its so macabre dirty,. I
love it! The better news is; the movie is filled to the brim with mean
spirited gory goods and deviant sexual shenanigans galore.
I’m talking lesbo
vamps takings showers together, having threesomes with their victims to then
feed off them together, lots of licking of wounds going on and shit they even
drink blood off some dude at one point and then pass the plasma between each
other via horny and red-wet kisses. Its sexually warped, its gory as f*ck and its
shameless – my kind of movie!
WHO WILL GET OFF ON THIS?:
Hardcore genre gals, Goth chicks – the real shit.
“SPELLBINDER (1992)”
Directed by: Janet Greek
Starring: Tim Daly and Kelly preston
WHAT’S THIS HORNDOG ABOUT: A
lawyer saves some hottie from being bitch slapped by a scummy Steven Seagal
look-alike in a parking lot. He then brings her home and finds out that the hard
way that she’s a “good” witch and her coven of relentless nut-balls want her
back in the fold ASAP for some ritual – they’ll stop at nothing to make that
happen.
HOW CAN IT HELP LOCK THAT DEAL:
I wasn’t going to include this film cause its very hard to find and I wanted to
hook you guys/gals up with flicks you can get easy. But being that this one will
be my first choice in terms of watching with some babe to lock the deal, I
included anyway. SPELLBINDER has yet to be released on DVD (I have the VHS) and
it looks like it never will be. Word has it that Kelly Preston’s wife (oops)
John Travolta WENT OUT OF HIS WAY to make this film disappear and you
know what he did a pretty good job at it. I can’t even find the trailer online for
f*cks sakes.
With that said, if you do find SPELLBINDER, get ready for
an easy, spooky and sexy time at the movies. Kelly Preston oozes of
vulnerability and sensuality here. She also shows off her beautiful boobs and
the whole of the flick just feels downright horny in a good way. It sports a handful of spooky scenes as well (all about the clan pushing against
the window… that then bends) and a whoopass ending that granted, ripped off a
well know Brit genre film but that still worked like a charm on this jerk. A
good way to end a Halloween night and let the loving begin.
WHO WILL GET OFF ON THIS?: Either low level kind of horror fans or even non-horror fans.
This film is about mood, suspense and sexy witchcraft.
A “SAFE” CLIP FROM SPELLBINDER
“LIFEFORCE (1985)”
Directed by: Tobe Hooper
Starring: Steve Railsback and Mathilda May
Click pic for uncensored version.
WHAT’S THIS HORNDOG ABOUT: A
trio of “sleeping” space vampires are brought back to earth by dumb-dumb
earthling astronauts. Once there the alien-nosferatues proceed to suck the “life
force” out of people, hence turning them into mindless zombies. Oh and did I
mention that the head femme vampire spends the bulk of the running time stark
raving naked? No? Well I just did!
HOW CAN IT HELP LOCK THAT DEAL:
Lifeforce was one of them movies that got me all riled up when I was kid.
The sight of Mathilda May (easily one of the most beautiful women of her
time) butt naked has been stamped in my mind forever. Damn! Damn! Damn! Add to
that hints of eroticism throughout (getting your lifeforce sucked out by some
hot vamp, alien babe turns me on – is that wrong) and some pretty fly special
effects (all about people’s heads being juiced out till they look like raisins)
and you get a deal locker if I’ve seen one! NOTE: The ladies get some naked
dudes, do with that what you will.
WHO WILL GET OFF ON THIS?:
Middle ground horror fans, that will hopefully drop their tops 25
minutes in – before the film falls apart.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL! PLAY SAFE BUT PLAY HARD!
