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Lone Wolf McQuade (Arrow Recommends)

Lone Wolf McQuade (Arrow Recommends)
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Arrow Recommends is a column that has my sorry ass advise older movies to your royal asses. I will be flexible in terms of genres i.e. I will cover whatever the bleep I want. For now, it will be the way to keep my voice on the site.

PLOT: Loner Texas Ranger J.J. McQuade (Norris) leads a simple life in El Paso Texas; hanging with his pet wolf, drinking canned beers and acing shirtless target practice in his backyard. That's until his partner his killed by some lowly weapons traffickers led by David Carradine and a cackling midget in a wheelchair. The wolf is eventually consumed with rage and mucho ass whooping ensues...Norris style!

"My kind of trouble doesn't take vacations." - J.J. McQuade

LOWDOWN: When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. We've all heard the many CHUCK NORRIS FACTS, and after having viewed LONE WOLF MCQUADE, I'm starting to believe that they are all true. God bless this movie. I haven't laughed this hard all year, I'm talking tears pouring out of my sockets and belly aches. LONE WOLF MACQUADE was the pinnacle of macho bullshit! So good it's good, so bad it's good, so bad, it's so bad that it's good...no matter...it was F*CKING AWESOME!

Lone Wolf McQuade, chuck norris, david carradine

Shot a la Spaghetti Western with Ennio Morricone like, whistle heavy music, LONE WOLF MCQUADE was an evenly paced, action heavy and atmospheric (slick cinematography here) little bastard. The flick put out well choreographed martial art fights, mucho shootouts, ample KABOOMS and every action cliché in the book put to good use. Predictable? You bet it was! But there was a beauty in the film's keeping with the testicular inclined action structure that the 80's nurtured oh so dearly. Yup, this baby took place in a man's world. Guns were without a doubt extensions of one's dong, female characters were introduced to either get kidnapped, nailed or killed and our lone hero was obviously much more interested in his male enemy or his pet wolf than the broads around him. Why?

Cause according to this film women bust balls and get in the way of men being men. The immature manner in which the male/female relationships were handled here had me rolling on the floor like an epileptic on cocaine. For example, McQuade kisses (if you wanna call it that) the girl like twice, next thing you know she breaks into his pad the next day, cleans it up and throws away ALL of his beers (big no-no as to that last one)... when McQuade gets home...he isn't impressed (no shit, I'd call the cops, can you spell stalker)...so he puts her in her place and then f*cks her brains out in the mud. No shit! I couldn't make this up! Pure genius.

Lone Wolf McQuade, chuck norris, david carradine

That simpleton, caveman attitude at play was one of the reasons LONE WOLF MCQUADE was such a delight. Men were so manly in this flick that it border lined man-love. Witness McQuade's new partner peeping on him from afar, mouth agape with awe as McQuade blows shit up in his backyard shirtless, each time with a bigger gun. Take in Carradine, obviously more smitten by the bearded Norris than the hot piece of ass next to him. And don't even get me started on the whole Oedipus complex thing going on in here! Don't do it man! 

Another plus here was that the flick portrayed The Chuck not as man, but as a God Like figure of machoness, one that everybody feared, wanted to bed or wanted to be like. Chuck did some pretty amazing things in this film; he dodged bullets, took down armies with his boot or/and his guns and wait till you see how he handled being buried alive inside his pick up truck with only a beer can as an ally. That scene FLOORED... it has to be seen to be believed! The religious undertones didn't stop there. At the end of the day; Norris was Jesus and Carradine was Satan and that was brought home during their final "organ music overload" fight... WOW!

Lone Wolf McQuade, chuck norris, david carradine

Now granted, on paper, the script left a lot to be desired. The drama (which the film focused a tad too much on) was so overdone that it was side splitting and some plot turns made ZERO SENSE as they went down solely to force the story in the direction it had to go. In fact this was a very STUPID movie... but good stupid in the sense that it cracked me up! Moreover, Norris' chemistry with hottie Carrera was non existent. I have never seen such a passionless kiss in a movie. It was like Carrera was repulsed by Norris' imposing facial hair while Norris was too manly to give an ounce of a shit. All good for me, resulted in more giggles

On the whole LONE WOLF MCQUADE was an absolute delight! A heavy handed, un-intentionally HILARIOUS slice of macho pizza that hit the spot with Norris being virility incarnated! Now that I think of it; LONE WOLF MCQUADE is probably the ULTIMATE NORRIS MOVIE. See it shirtless with a 6-pack of beer! Only way to watch it.

RANDOM FACTS: If Bruce Lee had still been alive, he would have been offered the Carradine part. Being that Chuck and Bruce fought in Return of the Dragon, the Producers would have pushed the film as the ultimate rematch.

John Millius did some un-credited re-writes on the script and even somewhat ripped McQuade off when he wrote Extreme Prejudice.

Dana Kimmell of Friday the 13th Part 3 fame plays Chuck's daughter in the film.

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