Reviews & Counting
# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Tomm Coker
David Elliot

Shannyn Sossamon/Victoria
Emil Hostina/Henry
Mihai Stanescu/Jean Michele
4 10
Victoria (Sossamon) hits Paris after being invited by her cunty-cunt-cunt sister Carolyn (Pink). Once there, she’s dragged to some underground rave like party that takes place in the catacombs of the city. The shin-dig is eventually broken up by 5.0 and Victoria finds herself flying solo, lost in the underground maze and with a “goat masked killer” up her skirt at that! So this is Paris? They can keep it!
I’ve been waiting a long time to bash with Catacombs! Shit the flick was initially supposed to be back-washed our way in 2006 via the warped folks at Twisted Pictures (the SAW franchise) - that never went down. But as I was stalking my local DVD store yesterday, drunk off my ass, I came across the damn thing gathering dust on a shelve next to Daddy Day Camp (f*ck that movie too btw); so I snatched it up and found out the hard way why it never graced the big screen in the US.

Catacombs had potential lodged firmly within its love-box in the sense that it sported a tantalizing initial premise, a groovy “murderer” back-story (alas jack-shite was done with it), a strong lead dame in Shannyn Sossamon and a fairly novel setting. The only thing that was missing to maybe make this sucka take off was a damn feature length script! Straight up, there was enough meat at play for maybe a short film here… but a feature? No way Ose! Not even close! Too bad, cause Catacombs had me off the bat as it laid down its compelling base. Sure the SAW-ish “speed” editing got on my nerves quickly but I endured it in the name of having a good time. Sadly once the ‘crisis” set up the movie proceeded to go nowhere at a sedated slut pace.

That’s unless watching hot assed Shannyn Sossamon yelp and stroll around a skull laced maze in the dark fascinates the shit out of you. Look she’s in the dark! Look bats spring out and scare her! Look rats tumble on her melon! Look her leg is stuck in a rusty bicycle wheel! Look she’s in the dark again! For f*cks sakes man! Whoever though it would be rousing (yes, rousing, go with it) to witness that kind of hollow padding has to change dealers pronto and start snorting some better shit! Just say no to Drano yo! Granted, as I yawned constantly and battled the ailment that was somnolence; I was now and again stirred by minor bits of tension, creative set designs and a couple of nifty shots. But them goodies never whooped hard enough to make the lagging ride I was on worthwhile.

And as if that wasn’t enough; the flick sported annoying side characters (that we didn’t see often, thank Zeus) and inane dialogue that bled my ears dry. Howlers like: “It is God’s kindness to terrify us so we may become stronger” had me hurling on my new Khakis like nobody’s GAP whore. COME ON! The salt in the wound though had to be the two punch finale that went a little bit like this. Twist #1, I yelled out: “You got to be kidding me man, f*ck this movie, I’m beyond insulted over here, what a cop-out! F*CK!!!! Then Twist #2 churned out and I yelled out: LOL, LOL, LOL oh yeah and thank you! Not enough to dilute the sour urine taste of Twist #1 but I appreciate the effort nonetheless! Too bad that bit wasn’t in a better film!

So as the end credits rolled I was joyful and “Hamlet-ish” pensive. Happy because the flick was finally over. THANK YOU! I’M FREE! And thoughtful as to Twisted Pictures and if they’ll ever manage to get away from SAW and make OTHER genre films that stand tall, proud and say WE ROCK! Time will tell I guess, till then Catacrap can wipe and kiss my white, hair-less ass and reward me with its sister a quattre pattes!
This unrated version was pretty damn dry! We get quick glimpses of a bloodied baby being delivered, a slit throat, a damaged leg and that was pretty much it. I would hate to see the Rated R version. BOOOOOO!
Shannyn Sossamon (Victoria) was amazing! I bought every micro second of her intense performance and she was the main reason as to why I kept watching this drivel. Pink (Carolyn) played a heartless bitch very well. Too bad the top stayed on! Emil Hostina (Henry) mumbled in French and cashed a check. Great man! I guess Mihai Stanescu (Jean Michele) aced his pretentious and jargon vomiting party organizer role cause he had my back-hand written all over him.
T & A
A handful of don’t blink or you’ll miss them titties popped out to say wassup and we got to see chicks make-out which is always premium in my book of smut.
When outside or almost outside of the catacombs, I grooved to the visual style at play. We got some nifty shots and stylish angles. Suspense was also on hand now and again and that was a feat in itself taking into account that the film blew unwashed dongs. With that stabbed, the “fast motion” crap, the “we can’t see shit cause it’s too dark" thing and the camera shakes too much ploy soured the experience.
We get spooky sound design, a solid score (when it surfaced — talk about underused), some techno and one French rap song that I EASILY could’ve done without.
CATACOMBS was like a swell looking call-girl with nowhere to go and no one to blow! Solid lead actress, promising idea, gnarly location — and then — well next to nothing was done with them. The bulk of the film consisted of a gal walking around in the dark with zilch happening and puny obstacles surfacing occasionally. Tag to that the shit sandwich end-twist that made everything I was put through feel even more worthless than it already was and you had a peeved mook on your hands. I say, leave CATACOMBS on the shelf where it belongs and use that dough for something more fulfilling — like a hand-job from a meth-whore (hey, they got great rates). Arrow out and in need a drink… NOW!
The flick was mostly shot in Romania.

Was one of the last films (along with Dead Silence) that late producer and all around great dude Gregg Hoffman helmed.