Reviews & Counting
# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
The Ring Two(2005)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Hideo Nakata

Naomi Watts/Rachel
Simon Baker/Max
David Dorfman/Aidan
2 10
Rachel (Watts) and her son Aidan (Dorfman) have relocated to a new town since the possessed video-tape fiasco they went through in the first THE RING. But before you can say “she takes it in the other hole and I love her for it”, the bitter ghost Samara (Stables) pops back into the mix to stir some “Nightmare on Elm Shite”. Things go down the well after that.
I had a hint that I wasn’t gonna boogie to this sequel to the 2002 smash hit THE RING when the pre-credits opening kill went down. It had a potent build-up and then ended on a sloppy, half-cocked pay-off. Sadly for my “squirming in my seat” buttocks, I wound up going beyond not digging this beeyatch, I freaking reviled it with every fiber of my paper-thin soul! Apart from a couple of creative shots and 3 slick bits (the stupid/fun deer attack - the tub jamboree - the sight of Samara crawling up the well), this puke had me groaning like a duder who's losing his welfare check at the Black Jack table when in desperate need of coin to feed his 13 kids.

The hurting began with the toilet paper screenplay (written by Ehren Kruger). Not only did it nix the compelling video tape device in favor of a more typical “possession” motif (which could’ve worked if done right) but it was also filled with more gaping holes than the frequently used orifices on Jenna Jameson’s body. To make matters extra grating, the characters were bland, zero dimensional or/and criminally under-used (Simon Baker was soooo wasted). I didn’t care about anybody in this pitiful jumble! And what was up with the lead chickadee Rachel (played by Naomi Watts) in this round? Was she on a steady diet of “PMS pills” or what? How else would you explain that in places she in-explicably seemed to know it all as to what was going on while in others she was totally ignorant when the answers were right in her face? Her blatantly contrived demeanor was an obvious result of the script's “let’s drop logic in the name of serving the plot” attitude…pathetic. When you stack on top of that the corny dialogue, a directionless chain of events and a long winded finale, you get 111 script pages that would’ve been better used to wipe a toddler’s diarrhea stricken bum-bum as opposed to actually being the “sequel’ to THE RING.

The cinematic execution of the Cottonel story (Can you feel the softness?) didn’t fare much better either. Hideo Nakata was either drunk at the wheel, a Studio puppet or not even on set when this one was shot. Gone was the chilling atmosphere that was so proudly displayed in RINGU and Dark Water. Say "F-U" to a “typical” offering that would make any flat TV Movie proud! BORING! And where was the horror man? Unless you count easy “boo scares” or morbid scenes half heartily lifted off the first film as frightening; you won’t blink or burp during this sad sack’s pitiful attempts at shocking you. Is that all you got? A copy/paste/water-down job? Somebody needed to toke on the "creative fear set piece" joint…big time! Regrettably, the lack of overall inspiration tarnished the “used to be spooky” Samara (Stables) as well. Her manifestations were "whatever" whereas the character was wholly mishandled. Think Freddy Krueger on the rag! Bugh…

Believe it or not; all that I stated above paled in comparison to the mountain peak of my annoyance. Yes, I speak of the prominent presence of Aidan (Dorfman). How many times in one movie can I hear the word “Rachel”? Like really? I was getting sharp pains in my “testies” every time that brat would drop her name in every...damn... freaking sentence he uttered. Furthermore, you would think that after the hell they both went through in THE RING, that Rachel would have earned the right to be called “MOM”. Come on kid, your momma spit blood for you! HAVE A LITTLE CLASS ALREADY! I won't even go into his maddening knack of never answering his mom’s questions...ARRRRG! Kids today…no respect, no wonder society is going down the gutter.

When all was said and ringed up, it took me about 2 seconds to run out of the theatre as the end credits kicked in. I just couldn’t wait to leave this tepid piece of Studio drivel posing as a genre opus behind me. The only ring this movie evoked within me was the one in my sink where I have to remind this "genius" that I’m seeing to clean it. As for the film itself. What film? This wasn’t a film! It was a joke and the cash I shelled out to see it was the punch line. With this RING I thee…piss on a franchise!
We get quick glimpses of deformed faces and that’s it. This baby was dryer than a used up 67 year old crack whore on smack while snorting coke in a tub of sand.
Naomi Watts (Rachel) did what she could with the crud script she was given but even her potent acting skills couldn’t save her from embarrassing herself. In some instances, I swear that I saw her thinking of firing her Agent while performing scenes. You deserve better than this Naomi…call me…we’ll talk…in the nude...covered in Jell-O...teh red kind. Simon Baker (Max) was affable as the “friend” helping out. Too bad his part was water-thick. I would’ve liked more of him in there! Can’t wait to see him lead “Land of the Dead”! David Dorfman (Aidan) just didn’t do it for me...like AT ALL! His character, lousy performance and tacky lines…all grating to the eyes/ears. Kelly Stables (Samara) bored me as the ghost girl. Not the actress’ fault; blame the film’s execution of the villain and the snore inducing horror set pieces that came with her.
T & A
Those CGI deer had nice asses! Me…want…steak…
Although Hideo Nakata pulled off a couple of fly shots; the bulk of the flick lacked the craftiness, the oppressive mood and the impact that made RINGU and Dark Water so unsettling. I still don’t believe that he directed this sub par, “I wanna be Gore Verbinski but can't wing it”, generic trash. How did this happen?
The score by Hans Zimmer was serviceable at best and failed to add any “zing” to the lame proceedings.
I was banking that with Hideo Nakata at the helm this sequel couldn’t fail! Boy was I off the clit! If THE RING TWO was a prize fighter, it would have so much glass in its jaw it’d be a freaking chandelier. Shame on everybody behind this lazy trash for giving us a choppy, non-scary, lousily shot and bah acted sequel to a tight remake. This has to be the worst horror follow up since The Exorcist 2 The Heretic stank up the place! If you have to see it, catch it on DVD, scene select to the deer - tub - well scenes, watch them, eject the disk and feed it to a pack of Ethiopian wolves. For all of its extensive, tedious bull-crap THE RING TWO could’ve been solved in two minutes with Aidan getting a good spanking and having a handful of Ritalin shoved down his throat! BOO this movie! BOOOOOO!
Elizabeth Perkins (I wanted to slap her), the great Gary Cole and Sissy Spacek all have cameos.

A RING 3 has already been announced. They better get their shit together for it!

Hideo Nakata also directed RINGU 2 the sequel to the RINGU.