WARNING: MINOR TO MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!
As far as icy-cold ruthlessness is concerned, here’s your f*ckin’ winner alright. The highly polemic 1984 film by Charles E. Sellier Jr., SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT…was so lambasted upon initial release, picketing parents and outraged critics alike would see the films box office business get murdered as brutally as the characters in the film itself. Pulled after two weeks in theaters (denied a wider platform, as planned), even Siskel and Ebert were so adamantly against this film, they thought it wise to read the credits aloud on air, repeating “Shame, Shame, Shame” after every name. Seriously. But fans of obdurate horror know what’s up…this is a lean mean piece of grue-filled pulp…and the fact the perp is meant to be a teenager only heightens the dread. Top flight fatalities, tits-on-parade, awesome music, laughable horror movie acting…and one of the best all time Sadistic Santas ever committed to celluloid. A perfect holiday cocktail!
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In what is no doubt the Godfather of the homicidal St. Nicholas template, Freddie Francis’ 5-part horror-show, TALES FROM THE CRYPT, remains quite a requisite holiday watch. Re-appropriated for the small-screen by Bob Zemeckis almost two decades later, Francis kicks-off his film with the segment “And All Through The House,” a truly chilling spin on the Santa Claus mythos. When a cuckolding wife decides to off her husband, only to become terrorized by a Santa costumed maniac, a really interesting moral dilemma is conjured up. Here’s a woman we should absolutely be rooting against – an unfaithful murderer – yet halfway through she becomes the victim. Depending on your own moral compass, who you then deem worthy of caring for (if either of them) vacillates between the lesser of two evils. Personally, I always end up hoping Santa in turn gives the biotch what she gave her hubby: a grisly gift of death!
The hyper action-star intensity Bill Goldberg brings to his turn as a psychotic Saint Nick in SANTA’S SLAY is a lot of fun to behold. Instead of a lethargic, overstuffed fat man doing the rounds…Goldberg brings his pro-wrestling bravado to the table, creating a hulking brute of a badass we haven’t really seen before in a Santa suit. Also, since the film can be construed as a quasi-lampoon, the comedic timing and over-the-top energy Goldberg adds to the proceedings is also a reason his Sadistic Santa stands out. For those who missed this relatively new release, the film pits Old Nick as a demon, who has only been doing good deeds as a result of a lost bet with an angel. Now that the bet is off, Santa can return to his wicked ways…gorily dispatching any mere mortal he deems “naughty.” It’s a short, well paced bloodbath that, in conjunction with a spate of funny cameos, really hinges on Goldberg’s menacingly charismatic performance. Watch out Rock, you may have some competition!
Also known as YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, Lewis Jackson’s trashy low-rent chiller CHRISTMAS EVIL is a far more psychological look into the maddened mind of dress-up artist than any other on our list. When the psychic scars of a little boy seeing his mother suck-off Santa (really his dad) years later manifests into spree of homicidal murder, Kris Kringle is the guise this sicko transforms into. Far less gory and gratuitously graphic than most, CHRISTMAS EVIL is a slow-burning peek into a man’s irreparably unhinged thought process as he grows increasingly more bat-shit insane. What I particularly dig about this entry is the how affective it is without resorting to the Santa-in-a-Suit-with-a-knife formula. It’s terror isn’t solely derived from the visual juxtaposition of a Jolly Fat Man (good) carrying dangerous weaponry (evil). It’s more about this wacko’s obsessive motivation to restore the goodness of Santa’s vestige and serve all those dispirited holiday cynics a gift they’ll never forget. Literally!
Sure, it’s not technically a horror film, but has there ever been a more indelible depiction of Father Christmas than Billy Bob in BAD SANTA?!? Dejected, despondent, downright disgusting…Thornton sinks his teeth in the role of a besotted thief…playing a man whose spirit is so completely antithetical to that of Santa Claus…we can’t help but find it amusing. Crude, greedy and misanthropic, Thornton’s Santa may not physically kill anybody…but his verbal abuse is no less vicious. Think about that scene where he berates the hell out of that poor little kid, oh wait…there’s many of them. The man boozes, steals, treats people like shit…oh yeah, and pounds bitches in the ass in a department store fitting room. Definitely the kind of niceties you’d like to treat your kids with. Last but not least, big ups to the late John Ritter and Bernie Mac…two terrific actors who helped make the film what it is.
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In what could easily be cast aside as another needless sequel in a third rate horror franchise, Lee Harry’s SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2 is actually a pretty watchable piece of B-movie dross. The film overall isn’t particularly notable, but how the hell can you forget Ricky – Billy’s vengeful brother from the original – as he stands in the middle of a suburban block, wearing a blue Cosby sweater and Mannequin hair…spouting “GARBAGE DAY” as a he blasts the hell out of a neighbor taking out the trash (if you have forgotten, relive that shite HERE ). Shot in only ten days, producers really wanted Lee Harry to recut the film, adding in a few scenes of Eric in the mental asylum, thereby capitulating the entire first film as mere ravings from a mad inmate. That explains why the film is so fraught with flashbacks to the original, there simply wasn’t enough material to fill a feature length film sequel. Not buying it? If you get a chance, notice how long the final credit sequence is…
In only the second overall episode from HBO’s beloved anthological horror show, “Tales From the Crypt,” Bob-BACK TO THE FUTURE-Zemeckis lends a pitch perfect recreation of the program’s cinematic precursor (stay tuned) in a stint aptly titled “All Through the House.” Written by genre stalwart Fred Dekker (NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, MONSTER SQUAD), this half-hour television episode packs more of a wallop than a lot of feature films…even ones included on this list. If you missed this episode, it’s really worth seeking out. When an adulterous woman’s ill-timed decision to murder her husband results in her having to fend off a murderous Santa…by her lonesome…a wonderfully intense game of cat-and-mouse unfolds. Zemeckis brings the scenario to life through his touchstone visual flare…stripping down all superfluous plot-points to tell the quickest, most effective story. And damn, that Santa has one f*cked up grill!
Easily the most inferior film on our list, is also the most outlandish. Not sure how many of you have seen or heard of a Mexican film from 1959 called, you guessed it, SANTA CLAUS…but wow, this is the most bizarre, creepy Christmastime flicks I may have ever laid eyes on. The kicker? It’s not even a horror film proper. Instead, it’s a no-budget cheapie about Santa Claus teaming with Merlin the magician (yes, really) to defeat the evil doings of Satan, or more specifically, Satan’s henchman, a ghoulish devil named Pitch. More befuddled when watching a film I’ve rarely been. The production values are so embarrassingly low-rent, the acting amateurish to say the least, the content of the story so far out there…completely contradictory to any of the historical teachings of all involved (again, Santa with Merlin to stop Satan???) Make no mistake, this is an awful film…but as far as twisted representations of good ol’ Saint Nick are concerned, SANTA CLAUS deserves a mention.
It’s always fun to dose our list with a little levity, and since we couldn’t find a way to mix Bob Clark’s BLACK CHRISTMAS into the fold…what better way to throw a tip of the cap to the late great Canadian filmmaker than by showing some love to his other, diametrically opposed Christmas yarn? Of course, I’m talking about A CHRISTMAS STORY, a masterful film you can see on a continuous 48-hour loop on TNT (or TBS) come the 24th of every December. And while this is no horror thread, how can anyone forget how miserably detached the Mall Santa Claus is in the film? You know the scene…Ralphie finally gets a chance to visit the old white beard and tell him what he wants for Christmas…and the dude playing Santa couldn’t be less enthused. In fact, he spouts one of my all time favorite lines in a film. In between snot-nosed tykes getting lifted on and off his lap, he turns to an Elf helper and quips “Uh, I hate the smell of tapioca.” Ask Ralphie how terrifying that red-nose bastard is…
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t’s no coincidence our #10 spot goes to the most recent film release. Why? There simply hasn’t been enough time for the Finnish mash-up RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE to truly win the masses over. I know our man E-to-the-Dub found it rather underwhelming, but since there’s such a dearth of cruel cinematic Santas, why not give it a mention. If you’re unfamiliar with the setup, the film supposes Kris Kringle as a real entity…but not the one we all know and love. He’s not the chipper old coot hoofing down milk and cookies, far from it. Dude’s actually posited as being into kiddie snatching, fortunately for us, not in a Jonbenet Ramsey mien. Unfortunately, since this isn’t a balls-out horror flick (a motif you’ll find on this list), Santa ain’t committing a whole lot of onscreen carnage either (Hint: Elves are helpers for a reason). That being said, RARE EXPORTS does a decent job of deconstructing the Santa Claus legend and suggesting something a bit more sinister.
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