We don’t really ask for much from these sequels, and usually the studio provides just enough to satisfy. Is it great quality? Most of the time no, but that’s OK because it’s fun!
Except for those times when the quality or the concept disrespects, ignores, or flat out destroys the beloved source material. Then we have a problem because the studio, like a good hooker, is supposed to pretend to want what we want. Sure, we both know that’s utter shite, but without that illusion there’s just no reason to bother.
So sit back and enjoy a trek through the inane, the ridiculous, and the just plain disappointing. Then do your duty and Spit Bullets on the POS’s that got you boiling
Great cast. Interesting director. A chance to go more in depth concerning one of the scariest stories ever told on screen. The result? A total, complete, Ishtar-like failure. It’s almost embarrassing to watch how completely so much talent can suck ass. I imagine that Satan felt pretty good that he was let off the hook for this affront to sequels, horror films, and grasshoppers everywhere. Pazuzu can lick my balls.
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No Michael Myers. Some folks like to say that the movie is a guilty pleasure, to which I reply, no Michael Myers. There are some awesome deaths in it aren’t there? Yes, but no Michael Myers. Is there anything that can be said to defend this movie as anything other than a colossal mistake? No…because there’s no Michael Myers.
It’s right there in the title, and no it’s not the Brody family that’s trying to seek out Jaws. The shark itself is the revenge seeker. Like Hamlet…but with fins…oh, and no f*cking cognitive capacity to be a revenge seeking being! On top of that the shark looks like shite. After Jaws 3-D I doubt anyone was expecting a return to greatness, but this sucker dropped trou and dumped a Cleveland Steamer right on the franchise.
Jason’s a what? Wait, he’s got a sister? Did I walk into the wrong f*cking movie? Because if not then the most ferocious hockey mask wearing psycho in history has been broken down to a body-jumping slug. Oh God, they really did it. And he’s the brother of Buck Rogers girlfriend? Honestly his sibling could have been Tweekie and I’d have been less disturbed.
The title problems are legendary here because they didn’t do it last summer anymore. They did it the summer before last. Besides, if you’ve had a maniac trying to kill you is it likely that he needs to remind you that he “still” knows? I think the “I Know” message of the first pic would come across loud and clear. And in keeping with the dumb, non-sensical title we get a movie that is full of stupid dumbness that treads on the fun of the original. Even Hewitt’s titanic rack can’t save this sinking ship.
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Zombies are so hilarious! Except not. Sandwiched between two creative and well realized zombie flicks is this gigantic dingleberry. I could go on and on about the endless gags which don’t work, but instead let me just remind you that there’s a Michael Jackson zombie in the pic. Oh, and the annoying kid doesn’t bite it. Weak sauce, period.
This should be a fun little guilty pleasure given the presence of two stars who had not yet risen. And I admit that Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey do what they can with this feeble effort. But there is no amount of triage that can save a movie that turns Leatherface into a trannie and gets all wound up in alien conspiracy theories. Give me a break!
First we have to see Pinhead get his ass handed to him in Hellraiser II, and now the human side of him gets even more screen time? Are you f*cking kidding me? And on top of that you’re gonna serve up Cenobites that are named CD and Camerahead? WTF?! Plus the awesome thing about the Hellraiser universe is it’s scope, but not here. We hang out in a nightclub, and then we destroy a city. Yawn.
I personally thought The Ring was a great movie that should have ended when the kid looked up all freaked out and said “You let her out?” Instead it just kept going giving us what felt like more endings than Return of the King. But I’d watch that whole last block on a 24-hour loop if I could erase the horror of the second flick from my brain pan. I mean, even if we jettison all issues of continuity and logic, you still have the problem that everyone in the film is so freaking annoying you’ve got no one to root for. We need someone to root for…they can still die, but we need that cookie!
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Gay softcore meets a Creeper who now bears a disturbing resemblance to Al Jolson in blackface. Fortunately none of those most likely to be offended were the target demographic. Hell, even the presence of Ray Wise can’t save this silly creature feature.
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