Categories: JoBlo Originals

Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Jessica Alba!

Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood

writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a

Movie Jail

trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and

Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the

defendant

is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking

shithouse.

The

Defendant


Jessica Alba

The

Case

The Prosecution: Honey, The Killer Inside Me, The Love Guru, Fantastic Four, Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Awake, The Eye, Good

Luck Chuck, Into the Blue*

At the request of the head honcho himself, JoBlo, we’ve brought Ms. Jessica Alba to trial. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, it might be easier for

the prosecution to list the movies that Ms. Alba was actually good in, but we’d have a better time finding Mr. Costello’s Shih Tzu. We know, the audience knows, the

world knows that Ms. Alba is an attractive young lady with a long filmography of dancing in her panties for no reason than to show her tooshy off, but

there are plenty of hot young actresses who not only flaunt their sexuality and hotness, but also give solid performances to the roles they play as well. Jennifer

Lawrence and Scarlett Johannson are examples of two working actresses who are aware of their sexual appeal but don’t rely on it the way, in our opinion, Ms. Alba has.

When’s the last time Ms. Alba went against the grain and chose a role that didn’t hinge on her hotness, and instead chose something that made her less attractive

(granted, if that’s possible) like Charlize Theron in MONSTER? Or even Demi Moore in GI JANE? Not to mention, she has delusions that she’s a good actress. We move for a guilty verdict. And a sentence of 5 years of solitary

confinement in a hole full of whipped cream.

The Defense: See below:*

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, the defense will respond to these allegations with the following:

Need we say more? Sure, we admit she may not be the best actress, but there is a spot in Hollywood for sexy, vapid actresses who value themselves too highly. If said actresses occupy roles only to look nice and pretty, what’s wrong with that?

IN

CLOSING…

So, what’s to be done with Ms. Jessica Alba? Does she rely too much on her looks to get by in Hollywood? Does she really stink up a movie that bad, rendering it unwatchable?

And the

most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into

consideration, we ask

you The Jury, is Jessica Alba GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR

arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.

*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so

relax.

WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR

NOT?

LAST WEEK’S

VERDICT

It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing

last week’s evidence, the court finds Kevin Costner

NOT GUILTY of all charges. Apparently, you don’t fuck with the man who starred in some of the greatest baseball movies of all time, not to mention his

directing and producing prowess.

PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY NOT GUILTY
Adam

Sandler

Eddie

Murphy

Vince

Vaughn

Tim

Burton

The Farrelly

Brothers
 

Michael

Bay

Robert De

Niro

Val

Kilmer

Nic

Cage

John

Travolta

Oliver

Stone

Ben

Stiller

Jim

Carrey

Wes

Craven

Matthew

McConaughey

Robert

Rodriguez

Kristen

Stewart

Roland

Emmerich

Kevin

Costner

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Published by
Johnny Moreno