ENTER THE NINJA (1981)
Rating: 3.5 out of 4
Tagline: Warriors of a lost martial art! Hired assassins …human killing machines!
Directed by Menahem Golan
Starring: Franco Nero, Susan George, Shô Kosugi, and Christopher George
THE PLAN: American ninja Cole goes to hang out in the Philippines with his old Army buddy Frank and his hot, shotgun-toting wife Mary Ann, only to discover they’re being hassled by a silly land baron who is gobbling up every piece of property in sight (and who has more henchmen than a DIE HARD villain). Can one man stop an army of inept brutes? Uh, yeah. With a vengeance!
THE KILL: I’ll flat-out say that ENTER THE NINJA is one of the best times I’ve ever had reviewing a REEL ACTION entry. Actually, it’s one of the best times I’ve had watching a movie in recent memory. I had seen it once before, only a few months ago as a matter of fact, but I think I was so stinkin’ drunk that it went by like a dream – a goofy, nunchuking dream with terrible sound effects. I couldn’t have seen what I think I saw, right? Wrong. Dead wrong.
“‘Scuze me there’s a fly on your neck – there ya go.”
ENTER THE NINJA is indeed an awesomely kooky little picture, almost always funny, but intentionally only half the time. This is an early 80s action movie that is certainly aware of how silly it’s being, and it runs with it. It practically has to stop itself from winking at the camera. (Scratch that, at the very end, it literally does wink at the camera.) That’s not to say it doesn’t provide the obligatory fist fists and ninja star-tossing. No, in fact, it has an act of brutality almost every other minute, and for the most part does take these endeavors quite seriously… It’s the other scenes that are in peril of being utterly hilarious.
“Uhhh… what was I doing again..?”
Take the villain for example. Charles Venarius is some kind of fruity land baron who deploys armies of douchebags to rough up villagers in a Philippine town because he’s trying to exploit the oil that rests underground (and these guys are serious douchebags). Venarius has in his employ a proper British butler-type, Mr. Parker, as well as a scheming, hook-handed Peter Lorre-esque weasel named Sigmund. And about 8,000 henchmen. Why a wealthy developer needs all of this is unclear – I guess you could say just so he can beat the crap out of people who give him trouble, but he also seems rich enough to do whatever he wants. I guess he’s cheap… He’s also a laugh riot (“I want my own ninja!”), with the kinds of eccentricities every good wealthy uber-villain should possess. (His “masterpiece” is a water ballet he’s apparently conducting.)
The truly fantastic trailer. Must watch.
Then you have our hero, Cole. Cole, as played by Franco Nero, is not a very good ninja, at least to the naked eye. He fights like an 8 year old, to be perfectly honest, wildly flailing his arms and elbows in every direction, but luckily hammering the crap out of his even more pathetic adversaries. In one wonderful scene, we see him training alone with nunchucks, and let me assure you, anybody reading this could handle the weapon better than this man does, as he’s barely able to keep from hitting himself in the face.
Everything considered though, ENTER THE NINJA is much fun. It’s swiftly paced, features about 2 dozen fight scenes (most of them usually include a moment where Cole impales somebody with something), and – as I stated earlier – it’s aware of itself. There are some brief flashes of odd humor throughout that take you aback, and soon enough you realize this flick is having about as much fun as we are. (Although there isn’t much fun about cockfights, which this movie apparently condones!)
Is it a great martial arts movie? No, no way. But is it great for watching with some friends and some brews? Most definitely. And that’s what it’s all about, right?
TOP DEATH: This says it all:
TOP ACTION: Most of the fight scenes are pretty standard, but a final ninja-off between Cole and his arch-rival Hasegawa (a ninja Venarius hires because he wants his own ninja) gives you the goods.
FEMALE EXPLOITATION: Susan George is lookin’ plenty foxy throughout the whole movie, but doesn’t give us much in the way of flesh… As previously mentioned, our villain uses a handful of hotties to conduct a water ballet in his pool. He’s a weird dude.
HOMOEROTIC MOMENT: There’s just something about Venarius that strikes me as… well… not that there’s anything wrong with that, but…
TOP DIALOGUE: “Leeeeet’s have a cock fight!!” (And this is said by one of the “good” guys!)
DRINKING GAME:Drink every time inappropriate music is used during a fight scene. Soon enough you’ll be cutting eye-holes in your black sock and trying to shove your head through it in hopes of making a ninja mask.
TRIVIA: Director Golan has produced over 200 movies, including classics such as COBRA, THE DELTA FORCE, and BREAKIN’ 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO.