Russian Commando!

One of the greatest action films from the 80s has to be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s action epic COMMANDO from 1985. Classic one liners. Fat action. A ridiculously high body count. The gayest villain to hit the big screen. Alyssa Milano before she was old enough to be considered ‘hot.’ Add that shit up, and you have the epitome of what 80s action movies are all about (there’s even a gratuitous boob shot thrown in for good luck).

That said, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the film has been remade for modern audiences. That’s right, it’s not going to be remade, it already has been remade–in Russia! Don’t worry about cleaning the wax out of your ears, or rubbing the greasy film from your eyes because you just read that right–the Russians have remade COMMANDO!

The ONE and ONLY Commando!

You can check out the trailer for this motherf*cker below. Do remakes generally have lower budgets than the original? Is it commonplace for remakes to have goofy-ass comedic music in lieu of something more ‘hard core?’ Can we expect remakes of Schwarzenegger flicks to feature guys who are smaller than he is? Apparently, the answer is YES to all of these questions, because this f*cking trailer has it all.

WTF is going on here? A Russian version of COMMANDO? Seriously? COMMANDO? And worse of all, there’s nothing really ‘updated’ in this version! This could have been made in 1985 alongside the original–it appears to be that dated! So they made Bennett less gay, they threw in a snowmobile and took out the Bronco, and they made Rae Dawn Chong’s character way hotter than Chong ever could be (that addition is not so bad). Other than that, it appears to be the exact same movie–the guy’s even wearing the exact same shirt Arnie wore for cripes sake! So what’s the flippin’ point? To have a version in Russian???

Check out the trailer below and see for yourself, then spit some bullets on your take: was this really necessary? Has the whole world gone crazy??? What’s next, a remake of FIRST BLOOD???