Any horror flick that does moderately well at the box office is going to get a sequel, sometimes even a whole franchise. It’s no surprise since horror flicks are cheap to produce and horror fans are very loyal. If we like the way a bad guy mutilates some peeps, we’ll keep coming back again and again to watch the massacre continue.
We don’t really ask for much from these sequels, and usually the studio provides just enough to satisfy. Is it great quality? Most of the time no, but that’s OK because it’s fun!
Except for those times when the quality or the concept disrespects, ignores, or flat out destroys the beloved source material. Then we have a problem because the studio, like a good hooker, is supposed to pretend to want what we want. Sure, we both know that’s utter shite, but without that illusion there’s just no reason to bother.
So sit back and enjoy a trek through the inane, the ridiculous, and the just plain disappointing. Then do your duty and Spit Bullets on the POS’s that got you boiling.
WARNING – ANY POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD DON’T MATTER ‘CAUSE YOU CAN’T SPOIL MOVIES THIS ROTTEN!
10. Jeepers Creepers II
Gay softcore meets a Creeper who now bears a disturbing resemblance to Al Jolson in blackface. Fortunately none of those most likely to be offended were the target demographic. Hell, even the presence of Ray Wise can’t save this silly creature feature.
9. The Ring Two
I personally thought The Ring was a great movie that should have ended when the kid looked up all freaked out and said “You let her out?” Instead it just kept going giving us what felt like more endings than Return of the King. But I’d watch that whole last block on a 24-hour loop if I could erase the horror of the second flick from my brain pan. I mean, even if we jettison all issues of continuity and logic, you still have the problem that everyone in the film is so freaking annoying you’ve got no one to root for. We need someone to root for…they can still die, but we need that cookie!
8. Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth
First we have to see Pinhead get his ass handed to him in Hellraiser II, and now the human side of him gets even more screen time? Are you f*cking kidding me? And on top of that you’re gonna serve up Cenobites that are named CD and Camerahead? WTF?! Plus the awesome thing about the Hellraiser universe is it’s scope, but not here. We hang out in a nightclub, and then we destroy a city. Yawn.
7. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
This should be a fun little guilty pleasure given the presence of two stars who had not yet risen. And I admit that Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey do what they can with this feeble effort. But there is no amount of triage that can save a movie that turns Leatherface into a trannie and gets all wound up in alien conspiracy theories. Give me a break!
6. Return Of The Living Dead, Part II
Zombies are so hilarious! Except not. Sandwiched between two creative and well realized zombie flicks is this gigantic dingleberry. I could go on and on about the endless gags which don’t work, but instead let me just remind you that there’s a Michael Jackson zombie in the pic. Oh, and the annoying kid doesn’t bite it. Weak sauce, period.
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!