gods, you start to develop an iconic relationship for these individuals. You
see these modern day heroes on the screen and you think to yourself, “Man, what
would I need to do to be as cool as Freddy Krueger?” Well today that question
will be answered as I give you the ten steps to becoming the master of
nightmares himself.
Step 1. You’re going to need to move into a quiet
suburb somewhere in the Midwest United States. I’m thinking Everytown USA? (I
think that’s in Kentucky)
Step 2. Get yourself a broom and mop and head
down to the local school. Even if there’s no position open, go and apply
anyways. That same night wait until the janitor leaves work and beat him to
death using his own mop while he heads to his car. The next day just wander
around the front of the school until the Principal sees you and asks you to come
in and clean stuff up.
Step 3. Head to the nearest thrift store and buy
some sweet ass sweaters. The best way to determine which ones to buy is to give
it the Cosby test. If you think Dr. Huxtable would wear it, then buy it! Also
snag yourself a suave looking Indiana Jones-type fedora!
Step 4. Start spreading rumors about yourself
that you like to touch little kids and that you torture them in your shed with a
crazy blade glove. Also it would help if you were constantly shifty-eyed and
always stared at children when they walked by. And if possible try to be creepy enough that
children develop a catchy rhyming song about you.
Step 5. You’re going to need a glove with some
blades on it. Check eBay for some prop replica’s from Edward Scissorhands or
order a bunch of Ginsu’s and attach them to one of your janitorial gloves
using twist ties and aluminum foil. Don’t worry about the quality because once
you return from the dead the glove will become supernatural anyways. (NOTE: Make
sure to remove the glove while urinating. I cannot stress this fact enough!)
Step 6. To get parents really upset you’re going
to need to cause a few kids to disappear. The best way to do this would be to
kill them in your shed with your sweet new bladed hand and burn the bodies in
your furnace. Of course if you don’t have the cojones for doing that than you
could always sell them into some sort of European slavery ring. Just remember to
make it look like you killed them, otherwise step 7 may not happen.
Step 7. Wait until the night of a PTA meeting or
neighborhood watch and spend the night in you’re shed. Make sure it’s obvious your
in there and wait for the parents to build up enough courage to come and
confront you. You can help this by sending a gift basket with whiskey in it to
the meeting.
Step 8. Allow parents to burn you alive. I know,
I know, a little painful right? Wrong! When you see all the sweet teenage ass
you’re going to get as a ghastly figure that travels through dreams, a little
burnage will totally be worth it.
Step 9. This is an easy one. Instead of dying,
simply return to the land of the living, except return in the dreams of the
children of the people who burnt you. You can do this by either using dark
voodoo magic or drinking your weight in Red Bull right before you die. (Hmm
maybe I should have suggested that before the last step…) Also a bunch of
floating demon heads are going to interview you to see if you’re worthy enough
to make it back to the land of the living. Don’t worry too much about this, it’s
mostly a formality and everyone passes.
Step 10. Haunt teenagers dreams, but only hot
teens of the parents who burned you. (This means no fatties!) Be very scary
and oblivious at first, but as time goes on make sure to kick out some sweet one
liner’s and make the deaths slightly more ironic and goofy. Also at one point
become a giant hookah smoking caterpillar and attempt to ruin your good horror
name by fighting with another genre legend.
Well boys and girls, that’s it. You’re now a
horror legend. Does it feel good to be the master of dreams, the sultan of
sleep, the prince of nightmares?
I hope you all enjoyed becoming Freddy, and next time we’ll look at how to
wear other people’s skin and the proper way to dance while swinging a chainsaw!