Yo Hollywood! My ideal Friday the 13th Part 2 reboot!
But before it goes down; I wanted to toss in my 3 cents into the mix. I’m a huge Voorhees fan; the franchise is one of my favs of the lot and although the reboot had some positive elements tagged to it (Julianna Gill and her ta-tas were the main ones); lots of shit could’ve been done better. So here’s what I WANT from the upcoming FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 REDUX. Agree, disagree, all good; give me your take below! Its on!
WHAT TO DO!
KEEP IT SIMPLE MOFOS: Look man; this is FRIDAY THE 13TH not REMAINS OF THE DAY; these movies are pretty much fool proof if you stick to the basics and embrace them. That’s where the reboot went wrong in my opinion; it often had a lumbering pace (how does that happen in a Voorhees opus), it deviated from the F13th base (Jason was more Leatherface than Voorhees) and tried to me more than what it should be. All I need is this: group of kids go to Camp Crystal Lake for some reason, they get trashed, tits are flashed and vacuous sex is performed, Jason pops up and whacks them all (minus the final girl) in CREATIVE and GORY ways. DONE! Sometimes the wheel doesn’t need to be re-invented; a Big Mac should always stay a Big Mac. Don’t fancy that shit up for me; I don’t want it!
SLAP JASON IN THE SNOW ALREADY: Its been talked about at length by fanboys for eons; almost as much as getting a “female Crow” going in THE CROW franchise and now I think its time for it to happen already. Slap Jason Voorhees in Camp Crystal Lake, during the winter in the motherf*cking snow. I don’t want him in space, I don’t want him in New York, I don’t want him on a Cruise Ship in British Columbia, I don’t want him in hell or on Elm Street; I want him home with fresh variables to his usual environment. And winter is the way to go. The film can be set during XMAS; it can not be. The kids can be snowboarders or skiers; or maybe they’re not. JUST DO IT. Not only would snow up the film’s visual impact; the chilly surroundings would potentially lend a machete to many of the token F13 elements. Kills via sled, icicle (DIE HARD 2 style), have young adults skating on a pond, Jason comes through the ice… BAM; lesbian sex by a warm fire; Jason cuts in and blows a load Voorhees style. Yup, I want more of the same shit but with a chilly spin on it.
GET CREATIVE WITH THE KILLS AGAIN: Although some of the kills were aight in the reboot; I thought they shamefully lacked creativity. They were mainly all about pointy objects inserted in “name a body part” I crave more than that when it comes to Jason doing the human laundry. Give me shit like the face rammed in the wall of the RV in Part 6; the dude in the wheelchair who gets a machete in the face and is then shoved down the stairs in part 2; the girl in the sleeping bag slammed against a tree in part 7, the guy’s skull crushed till his eye pops out from part 3, the Sheriff bent backwards in Part 6 or the hoe ripped in two while riding some mook’s meat in Jason goes to Hell. That’s the kind of inventive shite Voorhees needs to do in the new Part 2. You paying attention Hollywood! Pick up your balls and aim to burn the envelope! Without crazy/gory kills this franchise loses potency; just look at the “dry” Part 8.
GET KANE HODDER BACK IN THE MIX: As you should know; KANE HODDER was Jason in four Friday the 13th films (parts 7 through 10); and he was my favorite Voorhees of them all. Although Ken Kirzinger and Derek Mears were efficient in FREDDY VS. JASON (2003) and the 2009 remake; they echoed the loony/retard Jason from part 2 to Part 4; which is fine in itself; but personally; I’ve always dug the Zombiefied; gleefully aggressive, runaway tank Jason Voorhees; the one that Kane Hodder invented and perfected by the time he got to JASON X. Yup I want him back; I want the heaving chest and the I WILL F*CK YOU UP cause I’m a REALLY ANGRY attitude that Hodder brought to the role. COME ON!
KEEP IT UP WITH THE SEX & THE TITTIES: I’ll give the reboot this; it at least got the sex and titties quotient right. America Olivia and Willa Ford showed us the goods while Julianna Guill danced and humped her way into the annals of F13TH history with her borderline soft porn sex scene and her display of the most beautiful melons I’ve seen in the last 10 years. I’ve read peeps online COMPLAIN about the overly smutty nature of the reboot. And all that evoked out of me was a healthy: WTF. Why yall watch these movies for? Story? Respectability? THEY ARE PURE FUN TIMES EXPLOITATION! I love them for the over the top sex and death they provide and have no shame in saying so. Complaining about too much skin in a Friday the 13th flick…lol… MAKES NO SENSE TO M. So yeah… the dirtier the better for this schmuck. Whomever does FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2…KEEP THE HORNY ANGLE UP! After Jason being Jason, solid kills and out there gore; TNA is the franchise’s next key strength. Recognize!
NSFW – Guill gone wild!
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2 OF THIS PIECE I.E. WHAT NOT TO DO!
GET THE FRIDAY THE 13TH DVD BOX SET (PART 1 TO 8) HERE
GET THE JASON GOES TO HELL DVD HERE
GET FREDDY VS JASON DVD HERE
GET FREDDY VS JASON BLU RAY HERE
GET THE FRIDAY THE 13TH REMAKE ON DVD HERE
GET THE FRIDAY THE 13TH REMAKE ON BLU RAY HERE