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Bloodrayne (2006)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Uwe Boll

Starring:
Kristanna Loken/Rayne
Michelle Rodriguez/Katarin
Ben Kingsley/Kagan
Michael Madsen/Vladimir
5 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
A half-human, half-vamp, cheek slapping hot, red headed dame named Rayne (Loken) prowls eighteenth century Romania in low cut tops, seeking revenge against her vamp pops Kegan (Kingsley). You see, the latter murdered and raped Rayne’s mother some time back making Rayne real PMS mad about shite. Kristanna Loken cleavage, a Loken boob shot, mucho blood and sword fights proceed!
THE LOWDOWN
I thought House of the Dead (The Showgirls of horror if you ask me) was hilariously bad and that Alone in the Dark although visually appealing in places, structurally inept story wise. In my book, Boll has finally made a decent video game to film adaptation. Say “f*ck me now” to Bloodrayne!

As I peaked under Bloodrayne’s skirt with low expectations, I wound up being pleasantly surprised at the goods my beer tainted retinas saw. Bloodrayne was not the second coming of horror cinema and had its fair share of problems, but it managed to do something that both House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark didn’t do for me (for the right reasons anyways): “entertain me”. The first major improvement that Bloodrayne showcased was a screenplay (by sexy American Psycho scribe Guinevere Turner no less) that made sense in terms of storyline composition. The flick was mostly linear and gave me enough meat about the big boobied heroine for me to care about her beyond her “I gotta get some of that bootie” hot looks.

Actually, Bloodrayne herself was the film’s biggest strength! I never thought much of Kristanna Loken as an actress before (as a hottie that’s another story) but with this part she proved that she had the range to play an actual layered “role”. Loken was simply magnetic, bringing depth, pathos, vulnerability and charm to a role that could’ve easily solely been a “big tits part” (more on them later). The same good joo-joo shined through the slick visuals. Boll milked his Romanian locations fervently while serving up some fly shots and impressive aerial photography (We get a couple of aerial shots too many but hey... they still looked sweet). Finally, I’m happy to say that the exploitation goodies were present here and in high doses at that. Loken’s cleavage kept me riveted to the screen, her tit shot (via a left field sex scene no less...loved it) had me salivating like an Ethiopian at “Denny’s”, the action was plenty whereas the buckets of deliciously over the top gore slapped my way carved a huge grin on my face. What else can a tits and blood loving man want?

On the stale side of the fangs, many of the characters and situations (cough, cough, love story…) weren’t capitalized upon enough for my liking. If the film didn’t care enough to chomp into its substance, why should I on my end? The miscasting or/and the actors “cashing checks acting” also hurt the film with a robotic Michael Madsen being the worst of the lot. He had no business in this film and I didn’t buy his drunken slumming for a minute. Then there were the fight choreographies which went from decent to somewhat stale. Lots of the fist-to-cuffs could’ve been so much more in terms of staging and execution. Surprisingly, Loken (who was so physical in T3) was on & off when it came to pulling off the swordplay…bummer, especially since she was the lead. And what was up with Kinsgley being glued to a chair for the whole of the film? I would’ve loved for him to have been more hands on when it came to the storyline. Lastly, the pace slightly lagged in places, some of the dialogue blew chunks to corn-dog heaven (kind of added to the fun factor though) and I picked up on a couple of plot holes. 

All in all though, Bloodrayne was a gore/titties/fist to cuffs heavy genre Chiquita that showed me a good time even when she’d lack in the swallowing department. Fun B cheese...that cost 25 Million...Arrow Sings: “It’s Rayning Loken, Alleheluha, its Rayning Loken, yeah, yeah!”

GORE
The film didn’t hold back on the red splat! We get ample grisly sword slashes, head cutting, a sword in the eye, slit throats, arrow damage and more! And this was the R Rated version. Looking forward to the Unrated cut! Olaf Ittenbach came through and delivered the plasma goods!
ACTING
Kristanna Loken (Rayne) gave a grounded, layered and appealing show. And yes, it didn’t hurt that her luscious cans were always on the forefront bobbling in my face. Michelle Rodriguez (Katarin) sneered a lot, the usual. Ben Kingsley (Kagan) didn’t do much but at least he obviously had fun with the part. Michael Madsen (Vladimir) had debts to pay, that’s why he’s in the film. Matthew Davis (Sebastian) looked sedated for the most part. Billy Zane and his wig (Elrich) did fine with what they were given…I love that guy! Will Sanderson (Domastir) looked the part and had a bang-on delivery…he just needed more edge to him. Udo Kier (Regal Monk), Meat Loaf (Leonid) and Michael Paré (Lancu) were serviceable in their “don’t blink roles”….Kier stuck out the most… cause…well…he just rocks!
T & A
Another high five on Rayne’s sweet ass for showing off Loken in a low cut top the whole way, hence displaying ample cleavage and having her go topless at some point which I thoroughly enjoyed. We also get some more melon toppings via an orgy scene. Good stuff!
DIRECTING
Tagged with a good DOP, Boll delivered a good looking and randomly stylish film. Sure I could’ve gone without the umpteen aerial shot of Rayne on a horse and some of the editing during the fight scenes left me cold but all in all… good job!
SOUNDTRACK
We get a winning score that often upped the excitement of what was going down onscreen.
BOTTOM LINE
Bloodrayne was a sleek, deliciously gory and action busy slice of horror pie. It sported a talented lead in Loken as Rane who herself showed off two big gorgeous breasts constantly. Yes I had fun! Compared to other Boll films, this one was more restrained (maturity?) and had a better screenplay tagged to it. Granted, lots of the side players were bland or/and miscast, the dialogue tacky and the fight choreographies could’ve been more polished, but the worst film of all time? No. An awful experience? Not to me! A serviceable time waster, with a big titted sultry chick kicking ass? Yes! Hey, if it’s with Nazis (like the game), I’m all for Bloodrayne Part 2!
BULL'S EYE
The topless prostitutes in the orgy scene were played by real Romanian prostitutes as they were cheaper than hiring actresses.

The film was shot for $25,000,000 in Romania

VISIT THE OFFICIAL BLOODRAYNE SITE HERE

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9:27AM on 08/07/2006

Rubbish

I finally saw this after Arrow said it was worthwhile, CURSE YOU ARROW, I found it to be boring, badly acting crap from beginning to end.
I finally saw this after Arrow said it was worthwhile, CURSE YOU ARROW, I found it to be boring, badly acting crap from beginning to end.
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