Update on Alice, Sweet Alice remake
Day of the Dead remake adds first castmember
John Carpenter producing new Halloween film
Where in the Horror is Ali Larter?
Trailer for summer camp horror series Dead of Summer
Refn will produce What Have You Done to Solange remake
Ash vs Evil Dead Blu-ray gets release date
TV Review: Fear the Walking Dead - Season 2, Episode 7
Spoilery pics from the Alien: Covenant set
Damien canceled by A&E
International Ghostbusters trailer
Seth Rogen and Zac Efron battle the undead!
As I peaked under Bloodrayne’s skirt with low expectations, I wound up being pleasantly surprised at the goods my beer tainted retinas saw. Bloodrayne was not the second coming of horror cinema and had its fair share of problems, but it managed to do something that both House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark didn’t do for me (for the right reasons anyways): “entertain me”. The first major improvement that Bloodrayne showcased was a screenplay (by sexy American Psycho scribe Guinevere Turner no less) that made sense in terms of storyline composition. The flick was mostly linear and gave me enough meat about the big boobied heroine for me to care about her beyond her “I gotta get some of that
bootie” hot looks.
Actually, Bloodrayne herself was the film’s biggest strength! I never thought much of Kristanna Loken as an actress before (as a hottie that’s another story) but with this part she proved that she had the range to play an actual layered “role”. Loken was simply magnetic, bringing depth, pathos, vulnerability and charm to a role that could’ve easily solely been a “big tits part” (more on them later). The same good joo-joo shined through the slick visuals. Boll milked his Romanian locations fervently while serving up some fly shots and impressive aerial photography (We get a couple of aerial shots too many but hey... they still looked sweet). Finally, I’m happy to say that the exploitation goodies were present here and in high doses at that. Loken’s cleavage kept me riveted to the screen, her tit shot (via a left field sex scene no less...loved it) had me salivating like an Ethiopian at “Denny’s”, the action was plenty whereas the buckets of deliciously over the top gore slapped my way carved a huge grin on my face. What else can a tits and blood loving man want?
On the stale side of the fangs, many of the characters and situations (cough, cough, love story…) weren’t capitalized upon enough for my liking. If the film didn’t care enough to chomp into its substance, why should I on my end? The miscasting or/and the actors “cashing checks acting” also hurt the film with a robotic Michael Madsen being the worst of the lot. He had no business in this film and I didn’t buy his drunken slumming for a minute. Then there were the fight choreographies which went from decent to somewhat stale. Lots of the fist-to-cuffs could’ve been so much more in terms of staging and execution. Surprisingly, Loken (who was so physical in T3) was on & off when it came to pulling off the swordplay…bummer, especially since she was the lead. And what was up with Kinsgley being glued to a chair for the whole of the film? I would’ve loved for him to have been more hands on when it came to the storyline. Lastly, the pace slightly lagged in places, some of the dialogue blew chunks to corn-dog heaven (kind of added to the fun factor though) and I picked up on a couple of plot holes.
All in all though, Bloodrayne was a gore/titties/fist to cuffs heavy genre Chiquita that showed me a good time even when she’d lack in the swallowing department. Fun B cheese...that cost 25 Million...Arrow Sings: “It’s Rayning Loken, Alleheluha, its Rayning Loken, yeah, yeah!”