I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
Director: Chris Sivertson
Lindsay Lohan/Aubrey Fleming/Dakota
Moss Julia Ormond/Susan
Neal McDonough/Daniel Fleming
Aubrey Fleming (Lohan) is abducted by a serial killer with a hard on for the color blue. She is eventually found and brought to the hospital. Thing is, when she wakes up, she's not herself anymore, she's Queen Lohan...euu...I mean Dakota, a smutty stripper with a bad attitude. Will the killer find her and finish her off? Will the identity crisis be solved? Do I give a flying choco fudge? NO!
There are 3 reasons I went to see I KNOW WHO KILLED ME
. 1- It’s one of my jobs so I had to go. 2- I really couldn’t wait to see Lindsay Lohan on all fours
doing her “stripper” shtick. 3- I actually mucho dug the trailer. Now that I’ve
finally seen this sorry excuse for a film, even Lindsay whoring it up wasn’t worth the time, energy and patience I had to put into
this mess to survive it. What a waste!
I swear for the first 45 minutes or so of this snooze-fest, I thought I was watching a student film… and a bad one at that. Shoddily paced and structured with shitty dialogue, lousy characterization, all kinds of dumb moves
to serve the slim-fast plot (worst cops ever in this film) awful acting and tacky scene transitions to boot;
my viewing was akin to having razor blades shoved up my bunghole… by a hairy, moustache abusing fat man. Yup, no
f*cking fun. The “symbolism for dummies” at play grated the dawn of the dead out of me as well. Blue is good, red is bad,
we all get cut, blue like the rose, blue, blue, blue…hey man, what the heck do
you think I am a freaking moron (don't answer that)? COME ON! I’m a grown man
over here, treat me as such and keep the color identification for the Sesame Street crowd.
And the pain didn't stop there. The flick was filled to the brim with
unnecessary subplots, sported little internal logic (what was this killer's m.o.
again) while showing off a frustrating knack at playing the stalling/filler game
to compensate for its limp wrist story. Granted some of the gory-goods made me wince, a couple of fly shots were served, some of the reddish hues heavy atmopshere hit home (reminded me of Lost Highway) and the last act of the film
gunned out a couple of nifty ideas. But by that time it was a little too late.
Them “good” ideas would’ve served a better purpose if integrated much earlier
into the movie. And was it me or did the last block feel like it was lifted out
of another flick? We went from obviously low budget to lush cinematography, crane shots and lightning lighting.
It really felt like the filmmakers did one film but then the Studio and their
editors crashed in and did another one on top of it. And what of Lindsay Lohan stripping
you may ask? Was wood aquired? Let’s just say she was the only “dancer” in that
nudie bar that kept her top on. Yawn…at least give me a G-String shot yo! What's
the point! BOOOOOOOO!
While walking out of the theatre I was baffled. Totally in the dark as to how
this disjointed chop-job got a theatrical release. Then I thought, oh yeah, Lohan is in the
press right now due to some potential jail time and she “strips” (term used
loosely) in this movie. So that’s why it was released! Hoping for that strong
opening weekend. I Know who Killed Me was a pretentious dead snail, that wasn’t, scary or stimulating – it was just there and it stank. Captivity is pure genius compared to this wreck! At least I got couple of good laughs at its expense
and discovered who killed Lindsay Lohan’s acting career: her drug dealer and this flick. RIP!
Gore was in the house! Burned limbs, cut off fingers, chopped off...well...limbs. Some of the gags worked wonders on me. Others didn't do squat due to the meh execution.
Lindsay Lohan (Aubrey Fleming/Dakota) was okay. At times on, at times off, other times obviously hung-over (man I love that girl), overall...again...she was "okay". Julia Ormond (Susan) and Neal McDonough (Daniel Fleming) are fine actors, we all know it. Which is why I felt mucho embarrassed watching them try to make the best of the abysmal dialogue and sad-sack characters they had to deal with. Hope the checks were at least 6 figures guys!
T & A
We get some random titties here and there; none of them belonged to Lindsay Lohan. How does that work? You tell me!
Word on the street is that Chris Sivertson's LOST is one heck of a solid film. And I believe it. Whatever good the man did here (one shot stuck with me: underhand/medium of Lohan doing her pole thing, with half the frame backlit-sweet) was pissed on by the non-sensical story, corny editing and an awful pace.
For the first half of the film we were bombarded with really lousy, welfare
pop/rock songs. Cringe inducing really! Thank god they went the classical score
way for the last block. NOTE: Remember that sound the tree branches make in
The Evil Dead when they rape that chick? Look for it in this flick, it makes a
Lindsay Lohan aka the female Corey Haim as I like to call her did good in being arrested for a DUI hence unable to promote this shit. No need to
embarrass one further in my opinion. I Know Who Killed Me was part art film,
part low budget effort and part Studio quickie-dish... too bad it was all garbage. Look you guys know where I come from; so trust me when
I say this; when Lindsay Lohan waxing a stripper pole with her butt in a
horror film doesn't get me excited; than you a know it blows and not in the way you want it to. F*ck this movie! I feel purged now.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Chris Sivertson also directed The Lost (2005), Toolbox Murders: As It Was (2003), and All Cheerleaders Die (2001).
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