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Mortuary (2006)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Tobe Hooper

Starring:
Dan Byrd/Jonathan
Denise Crosby/Leslie
Alexandra Adi/Liz
1 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
After the death of the patriarch, mom and her two brats move into a shit hole funeral home to start over (Great move there mum, what a way to start over!). Boredom, some Lovecraft wannabee elements, a retard goon in hiding and the returning dead follow. Tobe Hooper…what have you done?
THE LOWDOWN
What a bummer! After his return to form via The Toolbox Murders and his Masters of Horrors episode “Dance of the Dead”, I was sure that Tobe Hooper was firmly back on the “quality horror” wagon. Sadly with his latest feature Mortuary he not only fell off the wagon again but he drove it, clean, into a pit of molten lava. And I mean…CLEAN! This had to be the worst genre film that I've seen in the last 5 years.

As I was suffering through this stinker, I kept telling myself, “This had to be a problematic production”. Maybe the financing fell through halfway through the shoot? Maybe the Producer’s mistress was doing second unit while blowing background performers? Did Hooper leave the shoot and some hack directed the rest? Something must have HAPPENED! How else can you explain this Tobe “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” Hooper helmed disaster! Everything about this movie stank to low hell. The story could’ve had potential but the un-focused narrative structure, the lumbering pace and the amateurish execution made sure that didn’t shine through. The feeble “back-story”, the throw away “monster in hiding” subplot and the silly “left field” Lovecraft inspired like pit behind it all heftily puked on that as well. PATHETIC!

And the hurting continued via the characters populating this yellow stained toilet bowl starting with the slew of kooky characters at hand. The thing is, “kooky” here didn’t mean funny, clever or novel (like lets say Twin Peaks). Kooky here meant ridiculously infantile, maddening as hell, forced and out of place. Wait till you see that “constantly laughing” Elliot dude go at it…hold me back man! HOLD ME BACK! I’LL KILL HIM! The film’s “heroes” also pitched in in terms of pissing me off as they spat on me with their boring demeanor and utter stupidity (all about dumb moves to serve the plot). There was nobody to root for here, lots of people to wish bodily harm upon though… which leads me to… WHERE WAS THE BODILY HARM? Out for lunch? For a flick about Zombies, or a horror film PERIOD for that matter, the whole was shamefully dryer than that old broad from Titanic while serving up zero scares, a trivial dumb-dumb ghoul that couldn’t frighten a toad and all kinds of shoddily staged attack sequences.

Defecate on top of that burnt toast, a welfare friendly, bland and un-scary location, tinker-toy CGI, a miss-fired attempt at humor that wouldn’t giggle up a sedated chimp (the weed/cop at the door bit was astoundingly idiotic), bad editing cuts galore and beyond flaccid directing by Mr. Hooper and you get a Grade "Y” type of film, “Y” for YOU'RE SCREWED CAUSE YOU WATCHED THIS ABOMINATION! Anything positive to state? Well Denise Crosby is a good actress and she did liven things up when given the chance. But with that said, I didn’t need this torture of a sit down to know that. Straight up, for the last block of this movie, I stood up and paced back and forth in my living room, eyes on the screen, cussing out loud at the TV. I couldn't take the agony anymore! It hurt! IT HURT! I’m burning my Mortuary screener as we speak! BURN BITCH BURN AND GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY HOUSE!
GORE
We get some ho hum Zombies, a severed arm, a blow off head and a silly looking CG hand through the chest. YAWN, PUKE, SNORE!
ACTING
Poor Dan Byrd (Jonathan)! Maybe he’s usually a good actor but what he had to play with killed any of that coming out. He looked lost as to how to perform his role and often gapped that by slapping down the “fumbling, insecure” card. Didn’t work. Denise Crosby (Leslie) is a genius for managing to put out a stellar show with such abysmal material. I have an all new respect for the dame. The whole time I was watching Alexandra Ad (Liz), I kept saying to my friend “She looks like a 30 something trying to play a 16 years old”; winds up I was right, she’s 32 in real life; bad casting choice there! I didn’t buy it or her shaky performance. Tarah Paige (Sara) and Courtney Peldon (Tina) did “okay” playing the token trash sluts. Their tops stayed on though, hence negating the point of having token trash sluts in a horror film.
T & A
We get a “Zombie tit shot” and that’s it. What you couldn’t find any no-name actresses to show their goods? If one movie needed gratuitous nudity to jazz shit up, it was this one.
DIRECTING
What directing? Didn’t see any of that here? Stale, un-inspired and boring, there were hardly any attempts at atmosphere, tension or style. Lots of “point and shoot” though. Lots of that stuff! ZZZZzzz
SOUNDTRACK
For the first 20 minutes or so, there was no score and hardly any sound design. Further down we get some faintly played rock songs and a semblance of a score that didn’t come close to making any kind of an impression. It was as if they didn’t own the rights to the songs so they played them real low in the hope that nobody would notice and their asses wouldn’t get sued. Bugh.
BOTTOM LINE
I haven't given "half a star" to a horror film in eons but f*ck it, Mortuary, deserves it! I don’t know what they were aiming to accomplish with this mess (Did they even know?) nor do I care at this point but whatever they tried to achieve, they failed miserably at it. This  "felt un-finished”, lazily shot, un-scary, choppy, flat, tedious and all around infuriating fiasco was the result. All involved should bow their heads down in shame! What a waste of my freaking time, don’t waste yours on it! You've been warned!
BULL'S EYE
If you have the dirty laundry behind this film, tell me, I’d love to hear it. Maybe it will validate the time I wasted on this crud.

Dan Byrd will be seen in the Hills Have Eyes remake next.

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+0
4:29PM on 04/24/2006

Wow what a dissapointment

This is really just a half a star for the lead actor. Everything else is just emabarrassingly bad. 95% of straight to video movies are better than this piece. Go rent the much better Toolbox Murders instead.
This is really just a half a star for the lead actor. Everything else is just emabarrassingly bad. 95% of straight to video movies are better than this piece. Go rent the much better Toolbox Murders instead.
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