Director: John McTiernan
LL Cool J/Marcus
In the future, hotshot Jonathan (Klein) is the hero of some violent televised sport called Rollerball. When he finds out that somebody is making â€śaccidentsâ€ť happen on the track to up the ratings of the show, he decides to take matters into his own hands. Bring a pillow; this one will put you OUT!
This â€śupdateâ€ť of the 1975 sci-fi cult classic (starring Jimmy â€ścocaineâ€ť Caan) has been getting awful reviews. I couldnâ€™t believe it could be that atrocious so I went in REALLY wanting to enjoy it; from frame one I was searching for positive elements and I did find a few. For starters, the opening action scene is fairly exhilarating, the first Rollerball match is aight (Iâ€™ll admit that two â€śwowsâ€ť came out my mouth while watching it), some of the cars in the film are dope and Romijn-Stamos (Aurora) is pleasant to look at (drop dead gorgeous is the word) and she comes through on the acting front.
Apart from thatâ€¦what can I say? This flick is a mess on every level! On a narrative standpoint, the plot not only feels very dated (the sport industry is crookedâ€¦wow) but even worse, clumsily communicated. We get non-existent character development, a snore-inducing pace, lack of any "real" action, bland directing, zero substance, a thinner-than-thin love thang and crappy editing. I kept praying for the next Rollerball match to pop in to save me from witnessing this bland and badly executed â€śstorylineâ€ť. Well, I lost my chips to the house there again because when the other matches did FINALLY surface, they bored the shite out of me too! Sure, a few of the stunts were gnarly but not once did I ever feel that I was watching a true sport! The cuts are so quick that all I saw were inserts of dudes falling or tumbling edited together. How McTiernan managed to make a sport where people on roller blades and motorbikes are kicking the crap out of each other so un-involving is beyond me.
And I didnâ€™t even get to the worst part yet. There is an extended â€śactionâ€ť sequence that for some damn reason is way grainy and is shot through a foggy green filter. What was that all about? Did they shoot this scene on digital and then try to hide it with the green motif? I donâ€™t know! How can a scene like that be in an 80 million budgeted dollar movie? I felt so embarrassed for John McTiernan while watching that puke-inspiring sequence. Iâ€™ve shot better looking footage in my bathroom using a â€śFisher Priceâ€ť camera! What happened here? Like reallyâ€¦WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!? Not only is the scene overlong and amateurishly directed, but it also marks the end of one character and let me tell yaâ€¦itâ€™s an unsatisfying and frustrating ending! What a let down! If an award exists for worst scene in a motion picture, this sequence wins hands down.
Top all that smelly trash with watered-down violence (I thought this movie was about an extreme sport), a painfully annoying commentator (I wanted to kill that guy), not enough Rollerball action scenes (I counted three and theyâ€™re short) and lack of any real thrills or intelligence and you get a bonafide waste of time. I couldnâ€™t wait for Rollerball to end; it was torture to sit through. They should make a movie about what happened behind the scenes of Rollerball, it would surely be more entertaining than this celluloid sleeping pill. Let's bust some balls!
Some blood here and there. The real gore though is Chris Kleinâ€™s acting.
Iâ€™ve always been a Chris Klein (Jonathan) supporter but this flick ended that. The manâ€™s delivery sounds phony and his overall performance is beyond wooden. Jean Reno (Alexi) knows the script is weak so he overacts his ass off! I couldnâ€™t understand half the shite he was saying due to his thick accent but at least he looked like he was having fun. Not much of a stretch for LL. Cool J (Marcus) here; he plays himself. Rebecca Romijn-Stamos (Aurora) is the only performer that came through. Her accent is bang on and her delivery actually has emotion behind it. Taking into account the poor script, thatâ€™s quite a feat. Congrats girl! You came out of this alive.
T & A
We almost get to see Rebecca Romijn-Stamosâ€™ breasts but the camera cheats us out of it. Teasing bastards! The ladies and the gay dudes will rejoice in seeing Chris Kleinâ€™s buff chest.
The man behind this dreck directed "Predator"? I donâ€™t buy it. Apart from the opening action scene and the first match, the McTiernan we all know is absent. Yes, we do get some slow motion and a couple of nice camera angles but overall everything feels choppy, edited too tightly (Iâ€™d like to see SOMETHING) and the attempts at generating tension all fail. And then thereâ€™s the green filtered action sceneâ€¦Iâ€™ll stop there. This is sad; Iâ€™m usually a fan of McTiernanâ€™s work. He dropped the ball on this one.
Soundtrack whore Rob Zombie graces us with a tune, so does POD and some other â€śrockâ€ť bands. I never thought Iâ€™d say this but we needed more rock songs to liven this dead lay up! The score is forgettableâ€¦yesâ€¦I already forgot about it.
It's amateur night at the BIG BOYSâ€™ tonight! The acting, the story, the pace, the directingâ€¦all pathetically slapped our way. Yes, we do get a few decent bits in the beginning and Stamos is da bomb, but thatâ€™s far from enough to compensate for the hour and fifteen minutes of pure, unadulterated garbage I had to sit through. Not even a BJ from the lovely Stamos would make watching this stinker worthwhile! Maybe if the studio didnâ€™t sell out on the film by having all the sex and violence cut out it wouldâ€™ve been worth a ganderâ€¦then againâ€¦probably not. This flick is god-awful and I pity anybody that goes to see it.
Some of the more bloody bits and a full frontal buff shot of Rebecca Romijn-Stamos were cut out to get that coveted PG-13â€¦that suxâ€¦
The filmâ€™s budget was around 80 million clams.
If you donâ€™t blink youâ€™ll see pop act PINK in this flick.
I had auditioned for the role of the Russian dude in the film but obviously didnâ€™t get it.
I had one line in this flick playing a journalist but guess what; the scene didnâ€™t make the final cut.
If you donâ€™t blink, youâ€™ll see my face in the audience â€śfront row seatâ€ť during the second match.