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Sorority Row(2009)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Stewart Hendler

Starring:
Jamie Chung/Claire
Rumer Willis/Ellie
Leah Pipes/Jessica
Audrina Patridge
5 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
Une gang de cruches dans une maison de pioches, cause la mort accidentelle de leur amie deux de pic. Les charrues cache le cadavre et garde l'evenement secret. Apres leur graduation, quelqun commence a les tuer une apres l'autre. Et non c'est pas moi tabarnac!

Translation:

A gang of sorority sisters, kill one of their hoes by accident, dispose of the corpse/weapon and decide to keep that shit in house IKWDLS style. After graduation though, somebody begins whacking them off one after another. Is it their dead hoe friend back from the grave?
THE LOWDOWN
The original HOUSE ON A SORORITY ROW was about a bunch of sorority sisters that accidentally kill their house mother. Then "somebody" goes out of his/her way to axe them out one by one (no, it wasn't me). This remake decided to go its own way, emulating  I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (but with tit shots) as opposed to Marc Rosman's 1983 cult classic. Go figure! So how did this tit jiggler fare? Sharpen up your blade and spread open them legs, we're going in...SLASH!

It did all right - the flick put out a charming energy off the bat. I was personally hooked at frame 1 by the hot chicks, party time and drink up f*ckers flavors on display. Made me want to jump in there with a Bud and a machete. YEEHAW! The slick camera shots/movements, the easy tempo of the piece and the slit throat sharp cinematography also helped keep me in this one's noose. Baby rolled on smooth and looked good while doing it. Moreover, the sly cynical sense of humor and the mucho vicious/graphic kills hit my spot as well. Talk about morbid fun! Now that I think of it, this hussy was basically about two things: cheap laughs and seeing self centered sluts die in horrible ways. And in that respect - aces high man! Aces high. 

That's not to take away from the solid cast. Granted most of them played despicable and dim witted cunts that begged for my trustee back-hand... but that doesn't change that the actresses behind the roles rocked it. Briana Evigan gave me a "good girl" to root for in Cassidy, Leah Pipes had a blast with the uber bitch role of Jessica (loved to hate her, to wanna f*ck her) while Chugs tackled by Margo Harshman was... well... "special". She reminded me of half the gals I nailed - so my dead beat heart was warmed up by her - what can I say, I dig them trashy! NOTE: Shout out to Maxx Hennard as Mickey. PROPS BRO! You had me in stitches. Only cool male character in his flick! END OF NOTE. Add to that a fun appearance by a shot gun taunting CARRIE FISHER, a groovy-ass weapon that got the job done (pimped out tire iron...I want one) and enough female flesh peddling to fill up at least 20 minutes of right handed self love and ya get a slasher that didn't reinvent the wheel, but spun it with enough oomph to be at least worth one watch.

Alas, problems were afoot with this one. There was a "whodunit" here, one that you'll figure out real quick if you know the standard 90's Hollywood Horror Movie Whodunit ploys. So shame on the film for sticking too much to the mold and failing to surprise me. And yes there were cool kills and all, but tension was rarely in this house of twats (jump scares on the other hand...enjoy). So BOOOO for that too! Worse of all though; the flick was dumb as nails often enough (the last bock was abysmal in that department). The film's knack of having side characters do the dumbest shit or act in "threatening ways" out of left field to fool us was embarrassing. I'm all for red herrings but this flick took it to an all new low. Kinda sad. Same went for one character's SUDDEN change in personality. PLEASSSSE. What was supposed to be a hero moment almost made me hurl in my own mouth and in the mouth of that chick next to me (kinky). There's underestimating your audience and then there's insulting it. This one did both. Finally, what was up with the meat behind the whodunit? Having that person be the killer made ZERO sense. The motive blew sheep cachous and common sense was out the window looking for Godot. Far from plausible or satisfying.

PS: Whoever chose the awful techno/hairy bush music that was in this flick - raise your hand - so I know where to aim. 

So all in all I dug Row' sense of humor, its performances, its female candy and it brutal kills. But further brain cells and a better last act were so needed.

GORE
The kills here were brutal, graphic and just plain mean (lots of objects being shoved in gal's mouths). You like seeing hot chicks get-it real hard? You will get well served here. No I will not give up the kills, the marketing peeps behind this one already did that via the KILL CLIPS they released (the ones I didn't watch).
T & A
We get tits, ass and a don't blink bush shot, but not from the MAIN cast of hotties which was somewhat of a cheat. But hey TNA is TNA, so much appreciated.
BOTTOM LINE
SORORITY HOES amused my sorry ass for its first hour. Stylish, horny, a tap-tap pace, hot chicks galore and strong kills in tow - all good. But the lack of suspense, smarts, likable characters and a killer/motive that satisfied kind of soured the deal. Yup, you guessed it, I say wait of the DVD and see it with one beer in one hand and somebody's butt cheek in the other. Off to get laid I go! Ma-Ma - Theta Pie!
BULL'S EYE
After the success of the Prom Night (2008) remake, Summit Entertainment planned to cut this film down to a PG-13. Thank God they changed their minds.

I have never watched one episode of THE HILLS and am proud of that.

The writer/producer/director of the original flick: House on Sorority Row (2009) Mark Rosman, was executive producer here.

See Stewart Hendler's last feature WHISPER (2007) - pretty damn good!

CRASH THE SORORITY ROW SITE HERE