The Unholy (1986)
Director: Camilo Vila
Ben Cross/Father Michael
Ned Beatty/Lt Stern
Ben Cross leaves his “Chariots of Fire” behind to play a priest who battles a horn dog demon with a long tongue known as The Unholy. Place your bets!
I’ve used the “ex-girlfriend” analogy many o' times in past reviews. Why? Because it's freaking funny to me, that’s why! But never has it been as dead-on as it is with "The Unholy". So pardon me if I indulge myself once more in bashing that Pop-Tart I used to date. Here are 9 reasons why this movie is exactly like my ex-girlfriend. Shit...they were separated at birth!
1) My ex-girlfriend was gorgeous and somewhat interesting as an individual.
The Unholy was also, at times, nifty looking visually while its substance was occasionally involving.
2) My ex-girlfriend had one of the finest pair of jugs to ever grace this green earth.
The Unholy sported the same in the guise of Nicole Fortier’s slutty demonic presence who liked to terrorize “men of the cloth” in a see-through outfit no less. You see the ta-ta’s on that rag-doll?! NICE!
3) My ex-girlfriend had a long and talented tongue which she used frequently.
The dime store creature in The Unholy also had a long and talented tongue and used it like a stamp-licker in overdrive. Damn! Where do I sign my soul away for a couple of licks off that critter? What a keeper!
4) My ex-girlfriend had her memorable shining moments, like that time she put on a sleazy striptease for me while feeding me some “FrankenBerries” cereal (fun stuff!)
The Unholy also had a couple of groovy scenes, such as the taunt suicide bit or the creepy ass phone call from hell (fun stuff!).
5) My ex-girlfriend looked smart, but between you and me, was a total idiot at heart.
For all of its mature airs, The Unholy was also a complete moron. It convulsed what was a fairly simple tale with loads of tired mumbo jumbo, delivered tacky scenarios with a serious tone and put out some truly inane bits of dialogue. How inane? Try “Dear God what would you have me do!” or my favorite "Get thee behind me Satan!" BARFFFF!!!!
6) My ex-girlfriend liked to cook some fine meals to compensate for her lack of personality.
The Unholy liked to serve up ample gore to compensate for its lack of moving plot turns. Close enough.
7) My ex-girlfriend often made silly voices and acted in a childish manner.
The Unholy was the poster child for silliness via its abysmal conclusion which showcased two dwarves in Mardi Gras costumes and a clunky four-legged “Fisher Price” demon lumbering about like a drunken sailor. I’m supposed to be frightened by this circus of bad effects? Give me a break!
8) My ex-girlfriend had talents in specific fields (like fashion), but wasted them because she didn’t have the IQ to do anything with them.
The Unholy sported some truly talented actors (Ned Beatty, Ben Cross, Hall Hallbrook, William Russ) who were also kind of wasted because the movie itself was a numbskull.
9) My ex-girlfriend was a phony where she put up a front of being a classy gal with strong values, but was truly a devious, selfish twat.
The Unholy also wound up being a shameless poseur where it pretended to be another "The Omen" or "The Exorcist", but couldn’t fool anybody. This flick was a cheap, exploitative and trashy flick akin to “Debbie Does The Lasso In My Jeans” at its core. Smut baby! SMUT!
Therein lies the question my friends: should you date this Unholy beeyatch? Let’s find out.
The sauce was laid on thick here to butter up the stale meat. We get a slashed throat, ripped out heart, nail in the hands, bleeding eyes, blood vomiting, a dead dog, swift visions of depravity via a hell scene and more! It should be said that Bob Keen (the man behind the stellar effects for "Hellraiser") should be ashamed of himself for the tacky ass creature effects he served up here. ATROCIOUS and LAUGHABLE!
Ben Cross (Father Michael) did okay and played it very straight which, at times, made me giggle since the material was so silly. Ned Beatty (Lt Stern) bumbled in and then bumbled out. He did fine, but what a useless part! Hal Holbrook (Archbishop Mosely) ran with his role and gave an admirable show. Jill Carroll (Millie) played neurotic so well that I wanted to give her my grocery list and send her shopping to snap her out of it. William Russ (Luke) actually stole the show as the level-headed Satanist...he was the most likeable character in this zoo. Who knew? Nicole Fortier (The Unholy) looked like she could suck basketballs through an empty toilet-paper roll. The gal was hot!
T & A
We get tits and bush via Nicole Fortier, more TNA via a strip club scene and even Milli (Jill Carroll) goes tits up. The ladies get William Russ shirtless.
Although Vila slapped in some slick shots and got me with a couple of boo scares, he should really stay away from smoke machines and colorful lighting. Can you spell abuse? He sure can! EASY MAN! EASY!!!
We get a corny score made sillier by the wanker images it backed up.
"The Unholy" was all show! For all of its posturing, this baby was simply a dumb broad good for a squeeze of a tit, a flash of the gore and a cleaning of my dishes. No more, no less. Should you go on a 2-hour date with The Unholy? Sure, if it’s a quick and easy “ba-da-bing - get the fuck out of my house” type of shpiel you’re looking for. But mark my words...you won’t be bringing this dirty Kleenex to the altar, not by a long shot. Class dismissed!
The monsters in the end of this film and some of the gore scenes were added via re-shoots after the studio saw the first cut of the movie and felt that it needed some spicing up.
Jill Carroll played the character of Kim in "Psycho 2".