Movie Jail: This week's defendant is...Val Kilmer!
Aug. 6, 2012
The Defendant
Val Kilmer
The Case
The Prosecution: Every straight to DVD movie since 2006.*
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, let's look at who we're dealing with here.
Exactly. What in holy hell is actually sitting there? Yeah, we remember when you were Batman. And when you were Doc Holiday and Jim Morrison, but what has the man with the shitty elbow actually given us in the past few years? A whole lot of straight to DVD drivel that makes fat Steven Seagal look like Daniel Day Lewis. In 2012 alone, the man has eight goddamn movies to be released, two starring straight to DVD veteran and hottie Gina Gershon. And only one out of eight looks to be worth anything even remotely rentable or downloadable. I mean, for Christsake, he's co-headlined movies with 50 Cent and future Movie Jail defendant Cuba Gooding Jr.. We don't know what kind of legacy Mr. Weird Elbow has to protect at this point, or even if it's worth protecting, so it only stands to reason that he be convicted of all charges and tossed into Movie Jail where he belongs.
The Defense: Tombstone, Top Secret!, Real Genius, MacGruber, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, The Doors, Heat, Top Gun, *
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, the defense simply can't defend the above "Hey Guys..." Batman picture. If a guy wants a burger with fourteen Miller Lites, that's his gosh darn business (sorry for the salty language). But honestly, the guy is making a living as a working actor. And let's not forget, the man started off his career with a bang. Top Secret!, Real Genius, Top Gun, Willow and The Doors. Also the jury should note that the time span between Mr. Kilmer's first movie (Top Secret! 1984) and the movie that put him on the map (The Doors1991) is seven years. Seven long years in which he did about a movie a year, and two of those were TV movies. After his turn as the Lizard King, he had hits with Tombstone, Heat and Batman Forever (not loved but still a hit). Sure, he's got more STDs than a Kardashian's lipstick (allegedly), but for what they are, some of the flicks aren't half bad. Not to mention his hilarious role in MacGruber, and his solid performances in both Bad Lietuenant: Port of Call New Orleans and Kill the Irishman. So, if you're gonna crucify a guy over a good work ethic, then I guess you hate someone else that has a good work ethic too: The Jesus.
IN CLOSING...
So, what’s to be done with Mr. Val Kilmer? Do we accept mediocrity in this courtroom? Can we forgive mediocrity? Are Mr. Kilmer's crimes really all that bad? And the most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into consideration, we ask you The Jury, is Val Kilmer GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK'S VERDICT
It is the jury's decision that after reviewing last week's evidence, the court finds Mr. Robert De Niro NOT GUILTY of all charges. The jury feels that the Pros outweight the Cons by a mile, and even though Mr. De Niro has had a handful of shit bombs in the past few years, we need to look at the absolute magic he's created on screen. Come on, there's no question here.
| Extra Tidbit: | Who Should Take the Stand Next? Strike Back Below! |
|---|
| Source: | JoBlo.com |
|---|
Not Guilty but
Not the right article, but good enough to prove his innocence.
Not the right article, but good enough to prove his innocence.
Not Guilty
I have been unsuccessful at finding this article to support my argument. I will post it if I happen to find it.
I have been unsuccessful at finding this article to support my argument. I will post it if I happen to find it.
Not Guilty
Tidbit: i'd like to say M. Night Shyamalan but that's just too easy, if the guy lived in Mega City One he'd have been Judged years ago.
Tidbit: i'd like to say M. Night Shyamalan but that's just too easy, if the guy lived in Mega City One he'd have been Judged years ago.
i dunno man...
NOT GUILTY!
Yes he's let go some shitbombs recently. But it hasn't been as bad as say... Nicolas Cage... who's obviously just trying to keep the IRS off his back at this point. Give Kilmer a break.
Yes he's let go some shitbombs recently. But it hasn't been as bad as say... Nicolas Cage... who's obviously just trying to keep the IRS off his back at this point. Give Kilmer a break.
Not Guilty!!
NOT GUILTY!!!!
Not Guilty...second pic.
He's Gotta Go
NOT GUILTY
Not Guilty
Not Guilty...
Not Guilty
Not Guilty
Not Guilty
NOT GUILTY
Next up, Sylvester Stallone, I love the guy and his passion but he has made some shitty movies as well as great movies and characters
Next up, Sylvester Stallone, I love the guy and his passion but he has made some shitty movies as well as great movies and characters
NOT GUILTY.
NOT GUILTY!!!
Guilty
You should prosecute Colin Hanks next, on grounds of being the worst actor on the face of the earth. Hang him, I say.
You should prosecute Colin Hanks next, on grounds of being the worst actor on the face of the earth. Hang him, I say.
NOT GUILTY!
Not Guilty.
Not Guilty
Not Guilty
next defendant Oliver Stone.
next defendant Oliver Stone.
I surely haven't been the only one wanting a Val Kilmer come back? The window is still wide open for him to come back and be awesome again. Here's hoping that his fear of starring in a good movie passes soon.
I surely haven't been the only one wanting a Val Kilmer come back? The window is still wide open for him to come back and be awesome again. Here's hoping that his fear of starring in a good movie passes soon.
Not Guilty
Not guilty
Not Guilty...
Not Guilty
Not guilty.
I would like to put Robert Zemeckis on the stand for the next Movie Jail.
I would like to put Robert Zemeckis on the stand for the next Movie Jail.
Not guilty
Keep him out.
give him a break
Not Guilty
As for my 2 cents....... guilty, just to make this interesting.
As for my 2 cents....... guilty, just to make this interesting.
Not Guilty
See it
The man still has chops
See it
The man still has chops
Not Guilty
Next Defendant: Sandra Bullock
Not guilty
Next defendant: M. Night Shyamalan!
Next defendant: M. Night Shyamalan!