Awfully Good: From Justin to Kelly

March 20th 2013, 12:16am

Last Updated on March 27, 2024

Never in the history of this column have I wanted to watch a movie less, but so many of you sick bastards have written in and requested that I expose myself to this. And with SPRING BREAKERS about to be a big hit, now is the time to look at the worst spring break movie ever…

From Justin to Kelly (2003)

Director: Sam Firstenberg
Stars: Kelly Clarkson, Justin Guarini, Anika Noni Rose

Corporate Synergy 101.

FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY has “contractual obligation” written all over it. The two leads clearly have no interest in being there and constantly seem embarrassed to be onscreen. The script was obviously written on a cocktail napkin the night of the “American Idol” Season 1 finale. And the music is so lame and boring I would honestly not be surprised if they just made up all the songs on set. (And in case you were wondering, this is a full-on musical, not just a movie about singers.) The only thing left for Fox to do was hire the director of SHE’S ALL THAT and spit this thing out on an unsuspecting public as quickly as possible.

Hehe… penis.

While you could make a case that this isn’t the worst movie of all time, FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY is without a doubt the worst spring break movie of all time. This PG-rated garbage is an utter offense to the concept of collegiate seasonal vacationing, where girls going wild means wearing a brightly colored midriff and putting an extra packet of Sweet’N Low in their iced tea. I mean, this is the only spring break flick I can think of where nobody drinks, the hotels aren’t co-ed, people dance respectably with one another, and the girls wear skirts and pants so you don’t see their bikini bottoms. Even the “Dare to Be Bare” and “Whipped Cream Bikini” contests are so tame they could be shown on Nickelodeon.

Penis?

Never before have two title characters had so little chemistry. Kelly Clarkson plays a small-town waitress from Texas who has aspirations to be a singer (in the first scene, after which it’s never mentioned again). Justin Guarini is a college “player” who’s in Miami on business as a party promoter. The two “American Idol” finalists catch each other’s eye when they both spontaneously break in to choreographed song and dance on the beach—and immediately fall in love when they meet in a disgusting girl’s bathroom. Despite their complete lack of attraction to each other, the pair goes on their first date on a boat, whereby Justin stands 10 feet behind Kelly and glares at the back of her head as if he’s planning a sexual assault. Then they sing a song about how their love is timeless. The only thing that can interfere with a romance this pure is a true villain, which conveniently appears in the form of Kelly’s best friend who decides that she wants Justin Guarini‘s hair all to herself and intercepts his text messages to keep the song-crossed lovers apart.

PENIS?

If there’s one reason why FROM JUSTINTO KELLY should exist it’s to showcase the talents of its stars, which is hilarious because both Justin and Kelly come off looking worse and worse with each painful passing song. (Don’t get me started on the forced, clumsy dancing.) And who cares if our two leads have no acting experience? We’ll just hire a supporting cast that’s even worse so they look better by comparison! All the bases are covered. There’s the horny guy, the nerdy guy, the bitchy blonde, and the black friend that falls for another minority character. Someone at Fox probably got a bonus when they completed that checklist.

PENIS!??!?!

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, the movie actually stops dead in its tracks so two characters can have a hovercraft duel! It’s one of the weirdest things ever to happen in a major studio film. Justin and Texas Luke are fighting over Kelly when someone pushes them apart and says, “Gentlemen, there’s a better way to solve this!” Cut to: HOVERCRAFTS. And it’s not just a boring ol’ race. No, this is like some brilliant underground Miami sport where “hover dudes” pass each other and attempt to toss beanbags in to a laundry basket tied to the other person’s hovercraft. It’s either the lamest or the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

Patrick Stewart.

There are some inadvertently funny and ridiculously awful moments, but I can’t in good conscience as a member of the human race suggest watching FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY. Just watch the videos below and move forward with your life.

Corny lines, embarrassing rapping and the worst use of “Game over!” since Raul Julia.

1) The worst songs. Must see to believe. (Bonus: Rapey boat ride.)

2) Hovercraft Deathmatch!

None. Although I wish Justin Guarini would wear a hat.

Be worse than XANADU! Buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time: