It's the Booze Talkin': Who the hell even wants a new Scary Movie?

I grew up watching shit like THE NAKED GUN series, AIRPLANE, and TOP SECRET!, and I loved every single one of them. Something about a really solid spoof movie that put me in a happy place and made me laugh like no other. Even the lesser spoof movies, like REPOSSESSED, will always have a soft spot in my heart. In 2000, the Keenon Ivory Wayans (and his brothers) did the horror community a solid by tributing horror flicks with his hilarious spoof SCARY MOVIE, ripping off the hotter-than-hot SCREAM franchise and other scare flicks of the time. It was a great time at the movies and I laughed my balls off. But now here we are some 4 movies later and a part 5 on the horizon and all I can think is “Enough already! Who even gives a f*ck about another stupid SCARY MOVIE, anyway???”.

Where the first one had some solid laughs and poked fun at the right movies (keeping it mostly just horror flicks, more or less), the second one stayed mostly on track but lacked one small, simple thing: the comedic genius that part one had going for it. The Wayans Brothers were back, but there was something missing that made it a lesser movie than the first, a truly forgettable time at the movies. And at this point, the best thing these flicks had going for it was the underrated Anna Faris, who really only had these movies under her belt at the time… they were her career. Then there came a SCARY MOVIE 3… and then a SCARY MOVIE 4 and by that time, I thought (hoped!) the SCARY MOVIE franchise would be dead forever.

Movies like SAW, THE GRUDGE, THE RING, SIGNS, THE VILLAGE were spoofed for our viewing “pleasure” as well as classic horror flicks here and there, but mostly whatever was hot at the time. But they also threw in shit from other genres, gave roles to Dr. Phil and Shaft, and even had Craig Beirko acting like Tom Cruise (on screen via WAR OF THE WORLDS, and off screen via his Oprah appearance). By the third movie, you’d think they would have realized that they had already taken on all the movies (or at least every subgenre of horror flicks) and there was nothing left to spoof. The fourth one was yet another tragedy, not only cause it was a steaming pile of donkey poop, but also because about that time it seemed to be the direct reason why other crappy spoof movies were becoming more and more popular.

That’s right, I’m blaming the SCARY MOVIE franchises popularity for the reason why we had to sit back and watch the box office success of bullshit like EPIC MOVIE, MEET THE SPARTANS, NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE, and DANCE MOVIE. And while these movies were hot for a year or two, they seem to have just slowed down out of existence, and yet the whole time SCARY MOVIE decided to take a break, it appears they were just buying their time for the spotlight again, as now they’re gearing up for a SCARY MOVIE 5 now that the spoof movies are in a recession.

Maybe I’d be excited for this one if the Wayans Brothers returned to take the fifth installment on, or if the great Anna Faris decided to return to the franchise that kick-started her career. David Zucker, the godfather of spoof movies is on board yet again, but only as a co-writer… but alas, part 5 has nothing going for it, least of all the cast. Last week we got wind of an official announcement that production was about to begin, with a glimpse at the cast. Lindsay Lohan (ugh...). Charlie Sheen (hasn't this dude gone away already?). Ashley Tisdale. The list goes on and on. THE EXPENDABLES 2 star Terry Crews is even making it appearance, but this makes me more sad than happy, as that dude is way better than this! Heather Locklear, Molly Shannon, Rex Reed, and Kevin Hart are also up in the mix, but alas… who cares????

And then there are the movies they plan on spoofing: BLACK SWAN, PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES and 127 HOURS. From that list, I see one horror flick, a thriller, a sci-fi action flick, and an Oscar-nominated drama. And yet this is another SCARY MOVIE installment? The storyline itself is a mirror of BLACK SWAN, which is all fine and dandy… but it’s not (technically) a scary movie! Plus, was it really such a profound film with such a hard-hitting impact on the genre? Who even gives two shits about the ballerina storyline? Soooo lame. Wouldn’t it be better if it were something that mirrors more along the lines of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY? How about a FOUND FOOTAGE MOVIE? Or a SHAKY CAM MOVIE? Something devoted to PARANORMAL, CLOVERFIELD, BLAIR WITCH, and GRAVE ENCOUNTERS... now that would be a spoof movie I might care about checking out.

Maybe it’s the booze talkin’, but the world does not need another SCARY MOVIE. I want to say that I don’t give a flying f*ck about this movie or the franchise, but really that’s not true… this whole thing straight pisses me off. How dare they continue to make such ridiculous garbage! Maybe if they were funny or more like the original SCARY MOVIE, it’d be different, but the sequels have been crappier and crappier as the years have gone by and Part 5 is shaping up to be the crappiest one of them all. And what pisses me off the most may simply be that the SCARY MOVIE franchise thrives off making fun of the genre I love, and because it does it so poorly, the spoof becomes a mean jab rather than a fun-loving tribute to horror genre. Let's just hope no one goes out to see this and it can die a horrible death and never return ever again.

Extra Tidbit: Is it possible to even have a favorite SCARY MOVIE other than the first one?



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