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Elvira: Mistress of the Dark(1988)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: James Signorelli

Cassandra Petersen/Elvira
Susan Kellerman/Patty
William Morgan Sheppard/Vincent
Edie McClurg/Chastity
7 10
Elvira (Petersen) quits her TV show and heads for a small “Christian” town to collect on her dead aunt’s inheritance. Once there, her ample cleavage gets her lots of attention from the puritan town folks, a rabid poodle eventually gets tossed into the mix and an evil warlock wants a magic cookbook to rule the world. Elvira is back and she’s brought the twins!
Elvira busts out in her first feature film and offers us exactly what we’d expect from her: revealing clothes, tit jokes, sex puns and more tit jokes.

And did I mention that we get a lot of tit jokes? Tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits…. damn, I love that word! In order to fully enjoy this piece of candy, you have to ask yourself this important question: Do I like Elvira? On a personal note, I dig the broad. She’s smart but naive, she’s sexually driven but not a slut and let\'s face it, did you see the set of headlights on that ride? DAMN!

Any film that opens with the atrocious ending of the putridly funny \"It Conquered The World\" is on the right path to “campiness” heaven. The film follows that hilarious scene with a bombardment of extremely funny one-liners, “double entendre” sentences (my fav being: ”grab a tool and start banging”), every visual breast gag ever written in the “easy joke book”, sexual innuendos galore and even a couple of effective wiener jokes. If immature, horny comedy is your thang, then you\'ll be sure to pop a woody for this flick.

The film worked for me when it stayed away from the more thought-out storyline. I was quite content with seeing Elvira and her melons cause a ruckus and a multitude of erections. But of course, the movie had to have some meat (other than cleavage) and the film’s plot eventually became heavier (with all the cook book business). In the process, it slightly ceased to be funny. I didn’t see the humor in Elvira burning at the stake or battling a scene-chewing warlock. Don’t get me wrong, the end battle was still watchable, I dug the nod to “Rambo” and the surprising moments of gore were pretty slick, but the laughs just weren’t there anymore. At least the crude, but consistently, arousing tit jokes kept coming. I know some folks might differ with me but I couldn’t get enough of them.

In the end, Elvira and her two luscious friends kept me entertained for 90 percent of the film. The movie is colorful, has a quick pace, sharp writing and the camera is always where it should be: on Elvira’s boobies and her booty. I see nothing wrong with that. I actually celebrate that! Kleenex anyone?
We get a groovy “casserole” lizard, a high heeled shoe stuck in some dude’s forehead, a cut off hand and leeches thrown in someone’s face.
Cassandra Petersen (Elvira) does what she does best: Elvira. If you like her trademark sexiness and her cocky humor, you’ll dig her here as well. Edie McClurg (Chastity) goes all out and gives a fun performance. William Morgan Sheppard (Vincent) plays it very heavy and very straight. He cracked me up! Susan Kellerman (Patty) does bitchy well as Elvira’s busty nemesis.
T & A
It’s all about Elvira’s tits, Elvira’s butt and Elvira’s tits again. Wait till you see that neat tit trick she does at the end of the film during her Vegas act…now that’s talent!
Signorelli keeps the film moving at a steady pace, showcases a few nice shots and keeps his lens on Elvira’s physical attributes. Good show!
We get lots of 80’s pop rock and a tacky score.
Released by Anchor Bay Entertainment

EXTRAS: The DVD goes skimpy on the extras.

Theatrical Teaser: A fun teaser for the film.

Theatrical Trailer: An equally pleasant trailer for the film that’s very similar to the teaser.

Elvira Biography: We get an interestingly written Bio on the Mistress Of The Breasts. Did you know that she got severely burned by boiling water when she was young and that she still sports the scars on her body to this day? The Bio offers us a lot of trivia about the Dark Queen. Interesting.

IMAGE: We get a 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen image. It looks decent with the occasional grain popping up, but overall, it’s good.

SOUND: We get Dolby Digital 5.1 sound and Dolby 2.0 Surround sound. I listened to the 5.1 and the only problem I had was that on occasion the dialogue would be too low and the score would be too loud. I had to “volume” juggle a lot.
For me, the plot was fairly inconsequential; this film is all about showing off Elvira’s knockers and her “I’m horny, naïve and quick with the wit” shtick. If you’re into her, you’ll have a gnarly time and if not, I suggest you rent “Lesbian Nurses” instead and take your evening to the next level. DANG!
During the scene where Elvira is burned at the stake, the heat from the fire melted Petersen’s \"Elvira\" wig.