Reviews & Counting
# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Friday the 13th(2009)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Marcus Nispel

Jared Padalecki/Clay
Danielle Panabaker/Jenna
Amanda Righetti/Whitney
Derek Mears/Jason
6 10
A group of young adults who act like cherry teens go up to a cabin in the woods to smoke some shit, and do the nasty. They eventually get whacked out by their friendly Crystal Lake neighbor Jason Voorhees; a big dude with a hockey mask and “kill” on the grey matter.

ARROW NOTE: I am in Spain at the moment and saw the film in Spanish. I don't speak Spanish very well hence am sure some things went over my noggin. All that to say; I will be seeing the film in English again when I return to America, so my review may change then.

The only reason I was pumped to see this flick is that I’m a big FRIDAY THE 13TH franchise fan. I grew up with the films and know them like the back of my schlong. So it’s from the point of view of a lad that’s been kicking it with old Hockey Puss for a while that I am vomiting out this so called review.

Much like the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSCARE re-work, FRIDAY THE 13TH was not really a remake as it had nothing to do with following the original film’s storyline. And the only thing that kind of stopped it from being a sequel (and I stress the words “kind of”) is that no characters or major plot lines (Jason & his mommy aside) from the previous films returned. So I guess it’s a f*cking re-imagining, an attempt at rebooting the franchise for the new Gen. Did it work on my Voorhees loving ass? Well, yes and no. FRIDAY THE 13TH was easily one of the glossiest looking out of all the Voorhees entries (with Friday the 13th Part 6 standing right behind it). Striking cinematography, lots of plays with the ominous darkness on hand and striking shots of the environment; baby looked mighty good! The flick also got its old school slasher elements down pat: horny young adults, lots of hot dames that flash their boobies (Julianna Guill had my jaw drop into an empty bag of Popcorn, what a pair!) and a handful of mean spirited, sometimes inventive and graphic kills (I couldn't help thinking they could have gone further gore wise though... maybe it's just me being greedy). So that loving was covered for the most part.

The visual effects were on the money as well. Jason’s look if not a tad too familiar was the bomb design wise while the red grub came through as to its execution when displayed on screen What about the story? Well the flick ripped on Friday the 13th, Friday the 13th Part 2, Friday the 13th Part 3 and I’d say Part 6 if they had done something with the Sheriff character (tackled by the criminally underused Richard Burgi): they didn’t so I digress on that last one. Friday the 13th Part 4 was the main inspiration though in terms of this one right down to the Black & Asian dudes standing in for Crispin Glover and his "talk to the computer" pal in Part 4. That mofo crashing Crystal Lake to look for his missing sister was also right out of the Final Chapter. But not once did the edge and relentlessness of Part 4 emanate out of this re-imagining. Which brings me to my peeves with the flick. For starters, it launched with a potent slash and then went limp like me on too much JD! The first 15 minutes were solid in terms of pacing, harsh kills and running with momentum. Sadly, after that, the steam wore thin quickly. The pace became sluggish, excitement was rarely in sight and suspense was rarer than me at a Gay Pride Parade.

It didn’t help matters either that most of the characters were annoying as fudge. Apart from the fine poon in the house and the hero duder, everybody got my blood boiling. These mid twenties buffoon did shit that even fifteen year old kids wouldn’t do, no matter how much glue they'd sniff. Like drink fire-water out of a dirty shoe or attempt to beat their meat in a bud’s living room (just go to your bedroom man, much more chill). And don't get me started on the "I'm black" dropping Hollywood-made stereotypical black dude... don't do it man! Then we had Jason himself. Although Voorhees was deliciously Part 2 to Part 4 in vibe and his run and slash routine had me grinning, call me old fashioned but I like my Jason in two ways: dumb and psychotic circa Part 2 to 4. And as a one note Zombie killing machine a la Part 6 and beyond. Here they made him a high IQ lunatic who owes a lot to the killer from Wolf Creek in terms of psycho training. Jason had traps and spotlights around his home (nobody ever noticed that a well organized killer lived there... didn’t buy it) and he was mucho cunning. Just didn’t feel enough like the Jason I know and LOVE to me.

The fact that the flick also echoed Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 (Hooper version) in its ”Beauty and the Beast” thematics (felt out of character for Jason, he wouldn't keep a girl hostage IMO... just not Voorhees' way) and its villain’s underground lair/tunnels didn’t help in making him feel like a bonafide Voorhees either. Finally, the ending fell short on my ass. You see by playing Voorhees straight, they opened themselves up to plot holes. - MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD - Here the cap-off ripped off the finale of Part 6, but in the latter; Jason was a Zombie, so the hero’s actions made sense, here...well... why aren’t ya calling the cops yo? Why you disposing of evidence? Why you so damn dense! Bah...

All in all, being a mammoth FRIDAY THE 13TH fan; I brought my luggage with me to this one. It felt swell to be back at Crystal Lake and I respected the 80’s-ish vibe of this update. Alas on the whole, it was too uneven pace wise and far from its source as to its villain for it to satisfy me hardcore. So you in the mood for another game of Hockey with the killer goalie? Knock yourself out! Me, I will be going back to the old and TRUE franchise to get my 100% fix.

Voorhees meant business but I thought he held back a bit. He’s better than this. Compare the kills here to say Part 4 and you’ll see what I mean. With that yapped we get a machete in the head, screwdriver in the neck, girl burned alive, axe in the back, arrow in the head (yeah bitch), impaling by machete, another impaling, machete in the skull, a slit throat, a poker through the skull out the eye and more!
Jared Padalecki (Clay) was tops of the lot in terms of ringing true and being on top of his shit while Derek Mears (Jason) did an admirable job as Voorhees. His physical acting and his mojo behind the mask worked, even if it wasn't full on Voorhees for me. Everybody else went from average to decent. With that said, I don’t watch a Friday the 13Th for the acting, so who gives a flying f*ck. Julianna Guill (Bree) deserves a special mention here; easily one of the hottest girls I’ve seen on screen this year…DAMN! No you don't get it...DAMN HOT DAMN!
T & A
Three different pair of titties graced us with their presence with Julianna Guill’s being my fav. Ample and REAL! I’m so in lust, it's not even funny!
Nispel pulled a Nispel and I loved him for it! Although I liked the TCM remake (which he copied many o times in terms of shots here), his take on Crystal Lake was a gnarly one. Atmospheric cinematography, potent camera play, random tension, an able smoke machine...tight!
Half of it ripped off The Thing score and the other half reeked of the Halloween “stalk” score. It did the trick but I craved more Ki Ki K Ma Ma Ma.
This FRIDAY THE 13TH reboot was all right. I have a feeling Voorhees virgins will love it and old school bubbas will be split in the middle. Personally, the flick gave me some decent to mucho cool kills, lots of bouncing melons and a new kind of Jason that I was half and half on. He smelled too much like Leatherface meets Wolf Creek killer for my liking but I dug his presence and his run & gun, machete routine. The picture started off strong, got slow in the middle, not helped by grating and overly infantile 20 something mooks and it then got its groove back on for its slash-slash finale. Definitely a gnarly time at the movies, but nothing like the taunt and gory as hell ride that was MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D... still my numero uno slasher of the year so far...Amen Cabrones!
The character of Tommy Jarvis (F13 4 to 6) was once a possibility in terms of being Voorhees' foe.

Both Jonathan Liebesman and John Moore were once up to bat for directing duties on this one.

The character of Sheriff Bracke was named after Crystal Lake Memories author Peter Bracke.

Scout Taylor-Compton auditioned for the role of Jenna - Danielle Panabaker got it.