Reviews & Counting
# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Adam Green

Joel Moore/Ben
Tamara Feldman/Marybeth
Deon Richmond/Marcus
Kane Hodder/Victor Crowley/Mr. Crowley
8 10
A group of varied peeps (teens, bimbos, Yankees) sees their welfare New Orleans swamp tour go down the "Drano" when deformed madman Victor Crowley butchers the freaking crap out of them...just because he can! My kind of lad!

 Are you sure the number is 911? - Misty

Living in Canada has it perks, the place is chill, the ladies are fine & easy and the beer is tops. But taking into account my job, it has some drawbacks. One of them is not being in LA to see as of yet un-distributed films that you're dying to get down with. HATCHET was one of those. This year, I tried everything to get to watch this bad boy but to no avail. It took me going to the Sitges Film Festival in Spain to finally bear wrestle this monkey and teach it a lesson. And the verdict is? I HAD A BLAST!
At first glance Hatchet might come across as any other slasher. The characters are all types, the story is 1-2-3 and pretty much everybody had victim stamped on their butt-cheeks. What set this fucka apart from the newest generation of slashers is that it stabbed where it count when it comes to the sub genre. First the stereotypical characters were all given very witty and raunchy dialogue to spit out and were all played by appealing actors/actresses. Right there, I gave a shite about them. Didn't need more than that in this type of film.  Deacon Richmond in particular owned the movie for me. He was a black man, who was hilarious yes, but far from the usual token black guy that I've grown to hate. Its about f*cking time! Thank you!

The flick upped the ante on the kills as well. Outlandish, mean spirited and gruesome murders like the ones found in this film are absent from most (if not all) modern teeny bop slashers. How refreshing was it to see a dead teenager movie that embraced what it was! It didn't pretend to be a "supernatural thriller", it was a f*cking slasher and it was proud to be one. Gore hound heed my vacuous words, you'll pop a boner over the slash-slash found in this abattoir. What a mess! I loved it! And finally no old school slasher is complete without female juggles bouncing about and this one gave them up in spades. There were so many jugs in this movie (with Mercedes McNab's twins being my favs) that I lost count...and I never lose count...lol! Stab to that a swifter than swift pace, mood imbued directing by Green, old school slasher nods galore and a handful of groovy horror king cameos (Kane Hodder showing a sensitive side...I bought it!) and you get a wet and wild ride that aimed to satisfy the slasher fans of the world and succeeded at it and then some.

On the flip side of the blade, the story at hand was as by the numbers as you get within the slasher field hence I was rarely surprised as to what went down.  Some of the humor missed my boat occasionally as well as they overdid a couple of jokes by running them into the ground. With that said, that happened maybe twice so it wasn't too much of a hindrance. Lastly the score had a tendency to go randomly tacky on my ass. Didn't ruin the experience but I had a couple of "why the f*ck are they using this cheery crap while in a creepy swamp" moments. All in all, I dare ya to find a slasher as entertaining as Hatchet in this day and age of impotent slashers. I was highly entertained by this mean machine and recommend it to all slasher fans who crave to see the "slash" back in slasher. Hatchet rocked!

The gore gags by maestro John Carl Buechler came through hardcore with ripped limbs galore, a pulled open head, a head twisted off, an impalement, some power tool fun, a cut off foot and much more all executed in rip roaring graphic ways! ITS GORE MADNESS!
A geek as a lead? I bought it and Joel Moore (Ben) sold it with his likeable and funny show. Tamara Feldman (Marybeth) gave depth to a character that couldn't have had any. Props! Deon Richmond (Marcus) was hilarious as the token black guy in "Not Another Teen Movie" and here he transcended that by playing a black man who happens to be funny yet mucho credible and smart at the same time. Loved him in the role and wanna see more of him in future films! 

Mercedes McNab (Misty) was side splitting as the dink bimbo with one brain cell. Her many tit shots also brought a smile on my face and in my Jeans. Kane Hodder (Victor Crowley/Mr. Crowley) showed "expressive eyes" as the father of the killer and gave us a new kind of slasher to root for in wild man Victor Crowley. Parry Shen (Shawn) = funny. Robert Englund (Sampson) and Joshua Leonard (Ainsley) rocked it in their cameos while Tony Todd (Clive Washington) gave a different type of performance with his. Don't know how I feel about his flamboyant display yet but it was definitely interesting.

T & A
And its titties madness too! We get all kinds of melon shots via the Mardis Gras scenes whilst the two bimbos of the film just couldn't keep their tops on...I respected that on levels that only I can understand. Oh and the dames made out a few times...I respected that even more!
Green injected the film with swaying bleak atmosphere while displaying a firm handle on his kill bits. All I needed was a bit more suspense.
When the score was on, it was on. I'm talking some industrial rock (Korn opened the film) and a score that sported shades of Friday the 13th at times. But when it was off, it was off. Last thing I wanna hear when I witness a boat in a creepy swamp with a killer on the loose is some "happy go lucky" type ditties.
HATCHET wore its title well as it was filled to the brim with hacks, slashs and red splats all around. The knee slapping dialogue, the furious pace, the tight acting and the countless number of breasts popping out kicked in to up the Arrow lovin too! Of course, it was far from original, following the slasher mold without blinking, some of the jokes didn't work me up and the score was on & off but at the end of the neck slap I had a f*cking riot act with this class act and that's all I needed. What is the meaning of life? Will the evil that men do go on and on? Will I ever bang 4 bisexual broads at the same time? WHO CARES! Gimme some tits, gore, laughs and Hodder and all is well in my sad world! ALL IS F*CKING WELL!
Look out for effects guru John Carl Buechler in his cameo as Jack Cracker.