Reviews & Counting
# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
The Girl in the Photographs(2016)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Nick Simon

Claudia Lee/BColleen
Katharine Isabelle/Janet
Mitch Pileggi/Sheriff Porter
Kal Penn/Peter
4 10
Two psycho pussies kill chicks, takes pics of the corpses and send them Colleen (Claudia Lee) while Kal Penn plays one of the most annoying characters in a horror film... ever.

I won’t lie to ya, the only reason I watched THE GIRL IN THE PHOTOGRAPHS (WATCH IT HERE) was because it’s the last thing horror master WES CRAVEN put his name on (as executive producer) and being that Craven was such an inspiration and influence on me since I was a lowly teenager – I had to see this on principle. Now I didn’t know ANYTHING about it before going in, but I must confess, that the flick turned me off early when I realized this was going to be another “insane serial killer duo, whacking/torturing peeps, cause there an insane serial killer duo.” Just not my cup of blood now of late. But I hung in there, for Craven's sake that is and sadly, the thing simply didn’t do it for me. Before I let you now why, let’s focus on the positive, because that’s just how I roll.

Director Nick Simon and legendary DP Dean Cundey (The Fog, Escape From New York, The Thing, Halloween II, Jurassic Park, Road House, and the list goes on) put out a macabre, oppressive and often elegant (in terms of camera movements) look. I mean visually, I have little complaints about this one and it is a statement to Simon’s talent as a horror director that I wound up on the edge of my “Lazy Boy” a couple of times, due to how he milked his suspense. Taking into account I didn’t give a flying BLEEP about anybody here or the chain of events, makes the tension I felt quite the feat.

The opening had a SCREAM-ish feel that I dug (with Katharine Isabelle pulling a Drew Barrymore), the eerie score by Nima Fakhrara rubbed me the right way and when the flick decided to let the body the floors, the kills were cringe inducing brutal and messy as f*ck when f*ck took a day off. Some of the acting was pretty solid too with Kenny Wormald, Miranda Rae Mayo and Luke Baines owning it in spite of the meh characterization and shitastic dialogue they had to spew out! Too bad all of them goodies couldn’t save THE GIRL IN THE PHOTOGRAPHS for me. Here we go!

-The film went about it all wrong in terms of its narrative progression. It set up a victim and a mystery, cut in our lead gal and then let LUCK and COINCIDENCES make it all come together as opposed to the efforts of our lead dame. Inane character decisions also drove the bulk of the plot forward... so yeah, get ready to cuss at the screen. I did!

-Can somebody explain to me WHY the cops here were so uncooperative? Made no sense to me other than serving the plot and it was also a mammoth waste of the greatness that is Mitch “I did this as a favor to Wes” Pileggi

- Other than GRATING the ever living shit out of me, there was nothing likeable or useful when it came to Kal Penn’s pompous ass character of Peter Hemmings. The last time I wanted to elbow drop a character so bad was Tina in Halloween 5. The amount of time I flirted with the STOP button because of this waste of space was countless. Why the f*ck would ANYBODY think writing this clown was a good idea?! And worse of all why give him such a large role in the story? Come on, I’m supposed to believe that this guy’s ego is so far out of hand that he’ll take in a chick hunted by killers because he’s jealous of the killers picture taking skills?!!! What is this shit?! Is there a GRAND MESSAGE I’m missing over here? Yes? No? Who cares! You can keep it. In short I can write a 5 page essay about this moron and how he was SO WRONG for this movie i.e. self-sabotage.

-Claudia Lee’s Colleen was too passive for her own good and looked annoyed for the bulk of the film hence wasn’t as likeable as she should have been. She also did some stupid ass moves to serve the plot and didn’t seem too bothered by the MURDER of her BEST FRIEND. And that’s our heroine...sigh...

-The killers here were basically loose knock offs of the nuts in SCREAM but played straight. We got the “brains” of the operation and the brawn (some chunky dude with a beer belly) and of course it’s hinted at that they have a gay relationship together (Zzzzz). PS: Hearing the lead killer ramble on and on and on like some ball breaking beeyotch = not fun.

-When everybody is your movie is an asshole – it’s hard for me to care about your movie. Cops – assholes. Boyfriend – asshole. Killers- assholes. High end photographer – asshole. Give me something to hold on to over here!

Yeah... GIRL IN THE PHOTOGRAPH wound up being a painful watch for me. Now, as I always say, this is just my lowly opinion, and last I checked I am very much aware that my it means NOTHING. So check it out for yourselves, support Indie and original horror and make up your own mind about it!

We get stabbings, a slit throat, a knife in the skull, a sawed off arm and more! It gets ugly!
T & A
We get a pair of tits and a taste some ass.
The Girl in the Photographs sported a sleek look, some tension, groovy gore and decent acting by "some". Too bad it's story, characters, dialogue and chain of events were hollow, clumsy and often ducked good old fashioned human LOGIC. They also decided to go for the gold here and include the most ANNOYING MOVIE CHARACTER OF THE LAST DECADE. Having to endure Kal Penn's twat photographer character for an hour and a half was easily one of the hardest things I've had so do in 2016 thus far. Enjoy! I didn't.
Look out for a a wink at Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes (1977). via a showcase on teh script's original title: "Blood Relations".

The script was was written by Nick Simon and Anthony Perkins' son Osgood Perkins.