Rating: 2.5 on 4 /
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Tag Line: When the going gets tough… the tough take the law into their own hands.
Directed by Simon Wincer
Starring Mickey Rourke, Don Johnson, Chelsea Field, Tom Sizemore, Daniel Baldwin
THE
PLAN: Two biker friends named Marlboro Man and Harley Davidson roll back into their hometown bar to find
that their bar-owner friend is being pushed around by the evil corporate bank for his land. To buy the bank off, Marlboro and Harley decide to rob the bank, but their plan goes to crap when instead of stealing money, they accidentally steal Crystal Dream, the latest synthetic drug on the market. Thus propels the two into a war with Daniel Baldwin in his best MATRIX costume.
THE KILL: If you’re a man’s man, then watching a flick like HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN (HD&MM) is your idea of a perfect evening at home. That is, if you’re home is a smokey, low-lit bar, where there’s an endless supply of scotch on the rocks, and chicks stripping for no reason (do they really need one?). If that’s you’re idea of a quiet evening at home, then yes, HD&MM is for you!
But why and how is it a man’s movie? For one thing, I’d say more than half the movie takes place in one bar or another, some with strippers, some with live entertainment, and each one ending in a fist fight that would make Patrick Swayze’s Dalton from ROAD HOUSE proud. Nothing says man movie like naked chicks, bars (i.e., drinking), and bar fights.
Bruce Willis and Sam Elliott want their identities back.
Most of the main characters are named after hallmarks of American manliness. Harley Davidson. Marlboro Man. Virginia Slim. Jack Daniels. With characters like these, who needs real friends, right? Mickey Rourke’s Harley Davidson is one bad motorscooter, pimped out in a racing motorcycle get-up, rockin’ an earing, and pulling one of the best Bruce Willis impersonations ever filmed. The guy’s a badass, pure and simple, and it’s his role as Harley that paved the way for SIN CITY, and later his Gold Globe winning role in THE WRESTLER. Harley, like Rourke, is a badass… with a heart of gold. If you’re a punk-ass bitch, you wouldn’t want to run into the dude on the street. But if you’re in his cool book–he’s the type of friend you enjoy having around. Plus, his name is Harley Davidson, for cripes sakes!
Don Johnson’s Marlboro Man is manly, but in a different way. He’s a cowboy of sorts,
wearing a cowboy hat and a pair of cowboy boots, and even has an old carrying pack that you’d expect to see on the side of a horse–not a motorcycle. Spitting off quirky lines here and there, Johnson is putting on his best performance since he rocked MIAMI VICE. He’s a tough guy… but not as tough as Harley, which makes them the perfect team.
This is the part where I’d like to say the love interest is smokin’ hot, yet another point for the ultimate man movie, but unfortunately… Virginia Slim is just ‘ok.’ Though she does give us some side-boob action, she’s nothing much to look at. But there is a silver lining here… pop-star and ex-Penthouse model Vanessa Williams makes a brief appearance (as the bar’s entertainment), as does TRUE LIES and WAYNE’S WORLD hottie Tia Carerra, as the main baddies right hand girl. You wanted babes… here you go!
Call me Billy one more time! I dare you!
A good man’s movie needs a good villain, and HD&MM offers two! Tom f*cking Sizemore shows up as the mean drug-pushing bank owner. If you like your Sizemore a bit loopy and way into the deep end, then this Sizemore is for you! There’s also Daniel f*cking Baldwin is in full effect as Sizemore’s hitman in charge, in full MATRIX
trench coat and slicked back hair, to boot. If you haven’t taken Baldwin seriously as a Baldwin brother before… then you really won’t take him seriously after seeing him in HD&MM! The guy tries so hard to be badass, but even as he’s blowing away Harley and Marlboro’s friends, he still just seems like the world’s biggest loser. But hot-damn, is it entertaining! Good thing
Sizemore is pulling his usual crazy-ass self, looking high on coke in every scene, so much so that his career change into porn shouldn’t have been a surprise, especially after seeing him do his thing here. You’re a crazy f*ck Sizemore, and we f*cking love you for it!
And last, but not least, HD&MM bleeds 100% manliness in terms of action. If you like motorcycle / car chases, shoot-outs on top of high-rise hotels, lots of machine-gun fire, helicopters blazing with
heavy artillery, and cat-n-mouse shoot-outs in junk yards ala CON AIR, then this movie is for you! Oh, and did I mention bar fights? Because there are quite a few of those in this bitch, too.
While HD&MM isn’t a great movie (it only teeters on being a good movie), it is a fun movie, a manly movie, and a movie that should be watched with a cigarette in your mouth and a bottle of whiskey in your hand. It feels like a hybrid between ROAD HOUSE and CON AIR, with much less emphasis on being hardcore, and more emphasis on being fun. You know what kind of movie you’re getting yourself into when the opening credits rock out to Bon Jovi’s “Wanted, Dead or Alive.” While it’s neither of Rourke or Johnson’s best work, it’s still fun to see them do their thing, even if they come off a bit hokey at times. But when you’re a movie pumped with this much testosterone, you gotta take the good with the bad, and roll with it. Because, you know, it’s still better than half the crap that’s coming out these days.
Trailer for HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN!
TOP DEATH: Nothing feels better than watching a Baldwin brother get blown to bits, and Daniel is no exception. When he plays a game of hide-and-seek with Marlboro and Harley at the air plane junk yard, he gets what’s coming to him and then some. It may not be spectacular, but hot-damn does it feel good!
TOP ACTION SCENE: The armored car heist and subsequent escape was one of the more fun action sequences, if only because a
motorcycle is used as a moving bomb on wheels, and Baldwin’s band of MATRIX wannabes jumps said cycle in unison.
Believe it or not, this film is not a Western.
TOP HOMOEROTIC MOMENT: The movie revolves around the manly relationship between Marlboro and Harley, and there’s ain’t nothing homo about those two guys. They’re 100% manly men, but they’re not ashamed to show their platonic love for each other.
FEMALE EXPLOITATION: Starting with the first chick in the movie laying naked next to Harley, to a stripper in an Indian Biker Bar, and finally Marlboro’s cop lady friend giving us some side-boob action, the movie supplies the T&A well. Also to note are the lovely
Vanessa Williams and Tia Carrera, neither of which show the goods, but both of which are totally hot.
TOP LINE/DIALOGUE:
Marlboro: My old man told me, before he left this shitty world… [insert retrospective advice here]
Harley: You know, if I had a nickel for every time some piece of shit pointed a gun at me I’d be a rich man.
I’ll take this gun and a Lotto ticket, please.
DRINKING GAME: Every time someone takes a drink (or a smoke), you drink!
TRIVIA:
Rourke signed on to star in this movie strictly for the money, which contributed to his downward spiral in the mid-late 90s. HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN made Rourke feel like a sell out.
Since it’s based in the future, look for the billboard for DIE HARD V in a wide shot of Burbank.
Marlboro’s wrath on a Harley.
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