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Python (2000)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Richard Clabaugh

Frayne Rosanoff/John
Casper Van Dien/Agent Parker
Robert Englund/Dr. Anton
William Zabka/Greg
2 10
A giant genetically tampered snake terrorizes a small town and Casper Van Dien makes a fool of himself…again!
The straight-to-video horror market is into the "giant animal on the loose" vibe these days (Komodo, Crocodile, Spiders) with minor success. Python is no exception. In fact, Python has been the worst of the crop so far (although I haven’t seen Spiders yet). It’s got bad effects, worse writing and it’s not even fun in a bad way. I should’ve had that rum and coke before…DAMMIT!

First off, the script takes us for idiots. How in God's name can that huge snake wander around this small town in the daytime without getting noticed (yet alone hide out in a garage)? It’s straight out impossible. To make matters worse, the suspense is non existent (the snake is too CGI fake for us to get frightened), the gore is dry and the humor falls flat on its face (the dumb cops are NOT funny). One "humorous" scene that sticks out is the one between Scott Williamson (Kenny The Closer) and Jenny McCarthy (Fran). What an awful scene, it’s the best example of this flick's flunking humor. Maybe with a few drinks and a few puffs it would have been funny but straight up, it wasn’t at all...just very embarrassing. The scene would have been more comfortable in a Naked Gun flick. The action scenes themselves were also dull. Most of them are shot in the day (boring) and I swear they were filmed in my backyard. Even the non-CGI bits of the snakes are very silly looking (was that a paper mache tail?). In CGI form the snake looks like a dated video game character and is far from scary or fascinating…just there.

I also didn’t give a rat’s arse about any of the characters and the attempt at fleshing them out is admirable but all in all...wasted. Yeah, the love triangle and the main character's big dreams add some kind of depth to them but the movie doesn’t spend enough time with it (the girl in the love triangle is shamefully underdeveloped and keeps her top on). It doesn’t help that the film drops the kids halfway through to make room for the pitiful looking soldiers (lead by talent challenged Casper Van Dien). The amateurish key "action" scene breaks the flow of the film and when we go back to the kids (whom I had already forgotten about) we get a ridiculous conclusion. The structure of the film is very off. Too many characters and a very choppy way of approaching them. It all makes for an un-involving viewing.

Not much left to appreciate. We get our explosions, our chase scenes and our kills but all of it delivered blandly (I think the minuscule budget had something to do with that). "Anaconda" is a masterpiece next to this dead duck and if you really need a snake fix, check that one out again. Python bites the big one.
I can’t believe they killed Wil Wheaton off-screen…what a waste!!! The bloodshed is minor and mostly off screen. Nothing to brag about here. I really wanted to see the two lesbians in the beginning bite it too. ENOUGH WITH THAT OFF-SCREEN SHITE! Yes, I said the word lesbian…let's not get excited…they ain't all that…
Frayne Rosanoff (John) is very wooden and the bad lines he gets don’t help. Casper Van Dien (Agent Parker) thinks he’s an actor. He’s got the bullshite accent and the mustache (didn’t know he could grow one) to prove it. Actually he’s the most amusing thing in this film. I couldn’t stop laughing at his performance. Robert Englund (Dr. Anton) does well with what he has to do; I just wish he would pick better projects. I can’t remember the last time he did a good movie. William Zabka (Greg) is also pretty good and deserves to be in better movies. Yes, he’s the Karate Kid bad guy and yes, he’s been hitting "Burger King" often these days. Dana Baron (Kristin) looks good…but that’s about it. The only thing I know about her character is that she’s a nice tramp. Sean Whalen (Dep. Lewis) is supposed to be funny but I just wanted to slap him silly. Wil Wheaton lets his purple hair do the acting (this guy’s career is over). John Franklin (Floyd) does fine with his small part. Scott Williamson (Kenny The Closer) made me chuckle and Jenny McCarthy (Fran) is obviously desperate for work and should go back to PlayBoy.
T & A
The hot girls don’t show squat (McCarthy and Barron) but the so-so ones sure do. Two tit shots from two average looking gals. Just pick up the Sears catalogue instead and look through the bra section for hot broad action. The ladies get Wil Wheaton without his shirt (and sporting a nipple ring). It rules to be a guy.
Clabaugh pulls off a few nice shots (loved the BMX shite) but doesn’t have a handle on the suspense or the humor. Maybe with a better script and more money he could do something good or maybe he’s a lousy director…only time will tell.
Standard rock songs that try to liven up the film…they fail…
Playing a game of Centipede on Atari is more entertaining than this shite. It’s also more suspenseful. Maybe I wasn’t in the right frame of mind (totally sober) but this one did nothing for me. Forget this flick and dust off the Atari instead. Python can suck my Python.
The flick boasts a big genre cast though: Casper Van Dien (Starship Troopers), Robert Englund (Nightmare On Elm Street), Sean Whalen (People Under The Stairs), Wil Wheaton (The Curse) John Franklin (Children Of The Corn) and Jenny McCarthy (Scream 3). They should all beat their agents with baseball bats "Casino" style.
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12:49PM on 11/02/2011
"So bad it's funny" kind of movie...
"So bad it's funny" kind of movie...
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