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Tiff
sayz: Hey kids…welcome to another retarded bi-monthly column for
the stupid, lonely and dying where you can read about the problems of people
that are way worse off then you are and you can laugh and laugh and laugh. Once
you’re done laughing tell everybody at the water cooler about these sad
individuals so they too can laugh and laugh and laugh. When your done with work
go to church or if you’re a Jew go to temple and tell your Priest or Rabi about
these pathetic weirdoes so they also can laugh and laugh and laugh. Then
remember that you were the pathetic sap who wrote in a question last week and
then cry and cry and cry. ENJOY!;)
Deflated
in Jacksonville asks: Hi Tiff, when I go to the movies I love, love, LOVE butter
on my popcorn. But when a girl takes my order I can’t bring myself to ask for it.
I’ve always had trouble opening up to women. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Tiff
Sayz:
Hello Deflated. First off you need to stop equating butter with
asking a girl to the prom, marriage proposal, asking her to swallow or if you
can cum on her face…its butter dude, don’t sexualize it!
Next time you’re at
the cinema and you walk up to get your buttery treat and it’s a chick and she
says “would you like some butter on that?” say “Yeah I want butter, I want lots
of butter, tons of butter in fact I want some on my dick too!”. Then carry on
that train of thought into your regular life, and you’ll be fine.
Dustin asks: Tiff, please help! My
left testicle has been swollen for over 3 weeks and I’m getting worried. Not
sure what caused this, but could be a number of different things; chronic
masturbation, insufficient V-8 to my right ball, or possibly the right is
shrinking. Please Help!
Tiff Sayz:
Testy problems can be sensitive ones. I’m sorry to hear that
you’re going through this. I’m sure you’re well aware that nobody likes a guy
with odd shaped/sized or even odd colored balls so writing in to get the proper
help is the best thing you could have done for you, your social life and your
testicles. There are a few reasons this could be happening. You left little or
rather your left big guy could be getting stuck in the zipper of your pants
hence causing a chaffing sensation which could lead to infection and could lead
to swelling…that’s one option.
Or perhaps the most likely of causes….testicular bugs. Testicular bugs occur
when you are a very dirty individual. They start out on the surface kind of
like crabs but then start to burrow beneath the skin. Once they are inside they
start to sex each other and then give birth inside your sperm filled sack…they
feast on your sperm to stay alive thus getting bigger and stronger. They
eventually build an entire colony of what some people like to call Jiz bugs.
They will grow in size and numbers forever and ever making that testicle
sometimes larger then a grapefruit. There is no medicine to handle this problem
yet…although the FDA is working on it.
The only option you have is to sit on the toilet balls
out. Take a straight razor (clean of course) or a set of very sharp scissors
and make an inch long incision. Once the incision is made squeeze your testi
like you would a orange and watch the critters pour out. Make sure to squeeze
with all your might because they like to cling on and if you don’t get them
all…within a month they will have rebuilt their sperm feasting village and you
will have to go through this all over again. Once all of those pesky fuckers are
out pour some alcohol on incision and super glue wound shut. Make a sling and
throw the nads in there for a month of two.
Your huevos should be back to equal
size in no time…or they will swell even more from infection cause you didn’t
clean correctly and then you’ll die….but at least you won’t have to go through
life like a weirdo freak with abnormal ball-itice. Thanks for the question. I’m
so happy I spent the last fifteen years taking that at home medical course in
between my busy shoots for Troma. *Special thanks to Neil Patrick Harris for
the inspiration and knowledge.*
Bill asks: Hi Tiff, I’ve been good
friends with two guys – brothers – for years. I’ve had a falling out with one of
them and now I can’t stand to be around him (it probably won’t change, he’s
become a major ass). Do I address the issue up front or should I just blow off
the dude I have a problem with?
Tiff Sayz:
Listen Bill you need to come out of the closet
already-come on dude its 2009! If straight guys have a problem with a dude they
either fight or ignore them. “Blowing them off” is a form of gay repression.
Clearly you’re in love with the guy….so just tell him. He’ll either kiss you or
kick the shit out of you and tell you he always knew you were a homo and that’s
why he has become a “major ass” with you because he didn’t want you dreaming of
his dipstick.
This same situation happened to a dear gay friend of mine
S.T. He and his “Best friend’ were always fighting over the same girls…well one
day they realized they were not fighting over girls but they were fighting over
each other. They have now been together for 3 years able to blow each other on a
daily basis and their friendship is better then ever. See life is not just a
black, dark cloud man. When you look in the sky see birds not bats. Once you
embrace your gayness you too can be happy like my friend. I’ve seen it happen.
Free advice of the week. Avoid insecure, gay, diseased
riddled testicles. Love,
“The Shep” aka Tiffany “The Talon” Shepis
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