Awfully Good: Basic Instinct 2 + Casino Royale (Video)

February 11th 2015, 10:18am

Last Updated on August 2, 2021

Who needs 50 SHADES OF GREY when you can have 50 year old Sharon Stone sexy choking The Walking Dead's Governor with a belt?

Basic Instinct 2 (2006)

Director: Michael Caton-Jones
Stars: Sharon Stone, David Morrissey, David Thewlis

Catherine Tramell hops the pond to uncross her legs for London.

BASIC INSTINCT 2 starts with Sharon Stone engaging in a sexual act that immediately turns in to a car crash. I could not make up a more perfect metaphor for this movie if I tried.

For some reason, Sharon Stone's Uber was incredibly popular.

I'm sure at some point a sequel to the 1992 megahit sexual thriller was a good idea, but unfortunately that time expired around the mid-90s. By 2006, the only person excited about BASIC INSTINCT 2, sometimes horribly subtitled RISK ADDICTION, was Sharon Stone's accountant. (Given the $6 million domestic box office, this is barely an exaggeration.) Whatever low expectations there were, the film still managed to defy them and utterly fail as an erotic thriller, a psychological mystery, and a competently-made motion picture.

You know that you're getting when you hire Sir Mix-A-Lot as your interior decorator.

If all you were expecting was sex and nudity, there is some of that. But everything else is essentially a rehash of the first film. The movie opens with Catherine Tramell killing a celebrity. She then begins a cat-and-mouse relationship with a man involved in the investigation which turns sexual. More people turn up dead and the murders are foretold in her new book. There's a twist…and the movie ends. It all feels like Michael Douglas-less deja vu—except more awful and less fun. Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas knew how to make good trash. The first BASIC INSTINCT balanced that sleazy, pulpy tone well, down to the iconic leg-crossing scene. Hell, even Eszterhas' SHOWGIRLS did a better job than this movie.

"Who farted, y'all?"

Nothing about BASIC INSTINCT 2 feels sexy. The cast have little chemistry with each other. Supposedly hot and dangerous scenes where David Morrissey gets rough with a new lover or gets choked by Sharon Stone during the act feel banal and unexciting. And the verbal sparring and mindgames—the important foreplay building between the characters—is truly embarrassing. Try not to cringe during their continual banter about "control" and "risk" and other Psychology 101 babble. And it's best to just leave the room during Stone's "When you think about fucking me…" monologue.

Chairy always enjoyed it when Sharon Stone stopped by the set of the new Pee-Wee's Playhouse.

It's truly hard to decipher what's worse here, the writing or the acting, but I'm going to give the performers the benefit of the doubt. The script is almost so-bad-it's good, with such amazing eye-rollers like "Even Oedipus didn't see his mother coming" and "I'm devastated. I may never cum again." But even the occasional one-liner can't make up for the handling of the central narrative mystery, which is continually delivered in pure exposition with the subtlety of Richard Simmons. And the final ambiguous twist is so terrible I was legitimately expecting a second twist to immediately follow and undo it. It's the kind of head-scratching bad idea that Donald Kaufman would love.

It was understandably difficult for the actors to hide their regret onscreen.

48 year old Sharon Stone looks great for her age and tries her hardest to recapture the femme fatale sex symbol of the first movie, but the material is just too thin to keep her from being a punchline. HARRY POTTER werewolf David Thewlis admittedly took the job for the paycheck (see the Extra Tidbit below) and looks beyond embarrassed to be delivering lines like, "If you've got five seconds when you're not dizzy with the smell of her pussy, ask yourself…do you trust her?" And then there's David Morrisey aka The Governor from The Walking Dead, who makes for a truly sorry replacement for Michael Douglas. He's completely unengaging as a protagonist and as his mental state unravels as the movie goes on, his performance becomes funnier and funnier. His scream at the emotional climax of the film is the most unintentionally hilarious cathartic moment since Darth Vader's "NOOOOOOO!"

Even The Governor wasn't a fan of how his character was handled.

But you know how little everyone involved with BASIC INSTINCT 2 cared? Sharon Stone mispronounces Michael Douglas' character's name from the first film and no one noticed.

Some of the best sexually charged one-liners.

In order to save you the trouble of ever having to watch this movie, here's a collection of all the film's sexy scenes. You're welcome. (NSFW)

Sharon Stone bravely bares it all at age 48. As does the lovely Flora Montgomery.

Ignore your instincts! Buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time:

Sharon Stone uses sexual innuendo
Sharon Stone gets naked
Someone dies or is found dead
David Morrissey gets laid
Dr. Jakob Gerst is on screen

Double shot if:

Someone says the title or subtitle of the movie

But wait! There's more! Check out this week's Awfully Good Movies video featuring 1967's CASINO ROYALE, the goofiest, trippiest, whacked-out Bond movie ever made (okay, minus DIE ANOTHER DAY). Enjoy!