Did you hear about the petition on WhiteHouse.gov demanding that the United States build a Death Star? No, this is not a joke. There was an actual petition with almost 35,000 signatures to have the STAR WARS battle station completed and operational by the year 2016. You would not think this would be taken seriously, but the response from the White House was absolutely perfect.
Paul Shawcross, the chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House Office of Management and Budget, offered a very detailed response to the petition explaining why the Death Star would not be created. Here were the main reasons:
- The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.
- The Administration does not support blowing up planets.
- Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?
Brilliant, Mr. Shawcross. Excellent response. What the White House was not expecting, however, was a response from The Galactic Empire. Check out their retort below:
IMPERIAL CENTER, CORUSCANT – The overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire has been confirmed once again by the recent announcement by the President of the United States that his nation would not attempt to build a Death Star, despite the bellicose demands of the people of his tiny, aggressive planet. “It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire,” said Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories. “Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.”
Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility. “The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production,” added Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.
Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. “Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,” added Motti.
In a day and age where everything is so serious surrounding politics and government, it is nice to know we can all still have some fun with the movies and laugh together. At least until STAR WARS: EPISODE VII is released. Then we can all argue over whether it is any good or not.
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