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5ive Girls(2006)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Warren P. Sonoda

Jennifer Miller/Alex
Jordan Madley/Mara
Ron Perlman/Father Drake
Amy Ciupak Lalonde/Miss Pierce
5 10
Five reject (yet so bangable) teen gals with individual “magic” powers are dumped into an abandoned Catholic school with Ron Perlman busting chops as the resident priest, some hot blonde, Head Mistress with a long ruler and a peeved demon prowling about. What’s going on here? Who cares! You see them firm buttocks in them plaid skirts? NICE!
I had never heard of 5IVE GIRLS before I saw it at Cannes. Now that its hitting DVD on October 10, 2006, I decided to bump this review back up. This weird pot-pourrie of The Exorcist, The Craft, Carrie, Girl Interrupted and The Hidden mixed with those old exploitation big titted chicks in prison movies, made for an okay watch.

On one end, it worked when it didn’t take itself seriously and embraced whole horny-ly its exploitative nature. Five sexy girls in Catholic schoolgirl skirts? Hints of lesbianism? A scene with the sexy blonde Head Mistress giving a ruler spanking to a bent over, up-skirt bad girl? GOOD TIMES! Although the movie didn’t go nearly far enough with its catholic school girl/smut motif, the hints were appreciated. The horror aspects of this tale spanked my monkey as well! With atmospheric spooky bits (nice cinematography here), creepy ghost teen apparitions, some gnarly possession stuff (Think Exorcist meets The Hidden), random gory crowd pleasers and a baddie literally lifted from Exorcist III Legion (they even go as far as ripping off a line from that film), all made for fun times! Finally, the acting on display was surprisingly pretty damn good! All five girls brought pizzazz and good chemistry to the table, hence making me care about them to some degree. Props ladies! It’s not like the feeble characterizations helped you much!

Which brings me to the Grey Poupon in this Hot Dog. The film failed at being The Craft (use them powers yo) and did even worse when it tried to be Girl Interrupted. You know the drill; by the book relationships, routine conflict between the girls, they solidify a bond through the ordeal and realize that love may conquer all. BARRRFFFF! Is this the same film that had one sexy girl rubbing another’s yummy butt cheeks sensually, under her plaid skirt, to heal it? YES IT IS! So what’s up with this badly executed, connect the dots mushy, drama stuff? You can’t be Debbie Does Dallas and One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest at the same time! It’s like mixing a crack whore with the words: “committed relationship”. It doesn’t work! Topple on top of that, Teen Beat mag dialogue and a puke inducing Dawson’s Creek like score (during “heartfelt montages no less) and you get: ME NOT BUYING THE SYRUP AT ALL!

With that said, there was some definite cheesy fun to be had with 5ive Girls. The random tension, competent special effects and compelling enough (yet clumsily conveyed) storyline kicked in hard enough for me to enjoy the trip. And at least the chicks were all hot! You know, the kind that you bring home to introduce to your sheets! Too bad that the film switched tones way too many times for me to be able to truly get sucked into what was going down. Court’s adjourned…in my Levis!
We get some bloody stabbings (with knife and crucifix), some messy head bashing, an impaling through the skull out the mouth and more! Grisly enough!
Jennifer Miller (Alex) was very likeable, sexy and cute as a button. I hope she goes places! Jordan Madley (Mara) was gorgeous and able as the bad girl. Ron Perlman (Father Drake) is a strong actor, so yeah; he aced this role in his sleep. Amy Ciupak Lalonde (Miss Pierce) blew me, my jockeys and Arrow Jr. away with her sizzling looks and evil/sensual demeanor. She was also intense and credible as an actress. Full package baby! Call me, lets do lunch and when I say lunch…I mean…LUNCH!
T & A
We a piece of butt cheek, here and there, some cleavage and only one clean tit shot. Shame on you for holding back, especially with a premise of this ilk.
Warren P. Sonoda did fine when it came to his music video like, dread filled visuals. The nifty editing supported him well in that department for sure! Where he lacked was while helming the WB wannabe “drama”. Wait till you see that “emphasis on the girl’s pain” slow motion stuff, I was on the floor laughing my ass off!
The TV Teen drama score had to go and the general score didn’t fit the images it was backing all the time. I did dig on the techno opening ditty with prayer/bible quoting lyrics being chanted. Tight! Horror wise; remember that noise that erupted when the pen got stabbed in an ankle in THE EVIL DEAD? You’ll hear that same sound here during the possession bits. Hey…it worked!
If 5ive Girls would’ve picked a tone and stuck to it, it could’ve been something mucho groovio. As-is the flick was too tacky to be taken seriously, too cheap to be a poignant WB teen thing and not brave enough to be the all out “plaid skirt girls + blonde mistress with a paddle” jamboree that it should’ve been. Yes, it tried to have its whore and eat her too and didn’t pull it off. I did get some smirks off it though, the chick actresses kept me in the loop and the whole was sexy, gory and fast paced enough for it to be worth a smack on the cheek. You going to tap these 5 girls? YOU’RE CALL!
The flick was shot in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.