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Machete Kills(2013)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Robert Rodriguez

Danny Trejo/Machete
Mel Gibson/Voz
Demian Bichir/Mendez
Amber Heard/Miss San Antonio
5 10
Machete (Danny Trejo) slaughters lots of people, countless sight gags are gunned our way, Mel Gibson steals the show and Lady GagGa can't act out 3 lines. That's pretty much it!
I love the character of Machete as played by Danny Trejo and in the first half of the first film, I got the Machete I wanted. Gritty and gory while embracing its shameless 70's grindhouse roots with a pinch of humor. Sure it was over the top, but just at the right level. But the bloated second half of the original kind of lost me and alas, this sequel ran with that vibe full speed and brought this franchise to an all new level of duh. When did Machete become Spy Kids meets Austin Powers with gore? I didn't get or want to get that damn memo. Needless to spit that's not what I wanted for this badass character and the potential the series showed off in the first movie.

Before I whip out my own machete and start slicing and dicing, I gotta give MACHETE KILLS its dues. Danny Trejo once again played the ultimate tough as nails Mexi-”can” with flair and a stone face that screamed “don't f*ck with this Papie”. Gore was on the menu as well with heads being lopped off, intestines ripped out and peeps being shredded by various types of blades. Moreover, some of the sight gags had me giggling (I love how Machete uses helicopters to do the human laundry) and most of the supporting cast was tip-top! William Sadler, Demian Bichir, Sofía Vergara and Charlie Sheen owned that shite! And it was gnarly to see martial arts artist Marko Zaror from the 2007 Mirageman, do his fly kicks thing here! Dude's got moves! The cherry on top of the whipped cream nipple for me was of course Mel Gibson's zany turn as the semi psychic and full on psychotic villain. Gibson ran with the role, his charisma was jacked up to “f*ck yeah” and he obviously had a freaking blast doing it. I couldn't get enough of the lad! To say his performance was amusing would be an understatement. It was the highlight of the movie for me!

Now you're enjoyment of Machete Kills will depend on how your sense of humor is greased and what you want out of these films. As we all know, comedy is a fickle bitch and is mucho subjective. What's hilarious to some can fall flat for others. So yeah, Machete Kills didn't fully gel with me and here's why:

-Although I laughed now and again, the whole thing was way too juvenile for my individual affinities (I knew I was in trouble when the opening fake trailer didn't get one smile out of me). Maybe if I was under the influence I would be singing a different tune, but I wasn't. So this is the tune you get.

-Where the hell was Robert Rodriguez's signature visual style? Dude was on auto pilot here. I wanted the Rodriguez of El Mariachi, Desperado, Machete and Planet Terror! The guy who went buck nuts with slow motion, crazy shots and angles. He wasn't here. If there's one movie that begged for that flavor, it would be this one!

-Running at one hour and forty seven minutes, this flick was 17 minutes too long and I felt it. It just wouldn't f*cking end! These movies shouldn't be longer than an hour and a half in my useless opinion.

-Lady Gaga had like 4 lines and still couldn't convince me. And her attempts at being “sexy” turned me off. She was trying way too hard. Stick to singing baby girl! What's next Miley Cirus licking hammers in Part 3?

-Every time Amber Heard said the word “Machete” it felt like finger knives on a chalk board. Not sure why, it just did. To be fair, the dame looked finer than red wine on a hooker's ass and gave a fun performance.

-When did Machete get so “safe” with the smut? Where were all the bare bouncing titties that were so prevalent in the original? Oh! I forgot, Machete is more Spy Kids than grindhouse now. My bad!

-The penis gun gag got played out after From Dusk Till Dawn, let it go guys!

-As per the second half of the original; this follow up had too many characters and plot-lines for its own good. It bogged it down. Just keep it simple man! This is Machete, not a Russian War epic!

-To add insult to injury, the movie didn't really end, it left me on a cliffhanger. Sigh...

So there ya have it. Although Machete Kills did entertain me to some degree, it let me down by betraying what I feel it's supposed to be. I thought Machete was a modern take on low budget action films from the 70's not a full-on wink-wink parody movie! Bring Machete back down to earth, the character and this franchise deserve better than this!
The flick was filled with cartoonish gore gags and I won't ruin them here as they are one of the film's main strengths. But yeah, heads rolled, limbs were relieved of duty and you will see red!
T & A
Machete's chicks don't show titties no more. Lame.
I wanted MACHETE KILLS to be a modern grindhouse flick with Machete whooping that ass! What I got instead was an over the top, over long and immature comedy with Machete whooping that ass. It was just too silly and kiddie for me! Maybe if I was hammered when I saw it, I would have dug it more — it was that kind of movie! With that, the cast was solid for the most part (Viva Mel Gibson!), some of the jokes worked on me and the extreme violence was fun stuff but the franchise has now entered full on Austin Powers territory and it's only gonna get worse. Wait till you see where Part 3 is heading! Urg. That's just not what I want for this character of this franchise. Sucks for me!
Tom Savini, Antonia Banderas and Cuba Gooding Jr. also had fun cameos here!

The flick was shot for 30 Million clams.

This is the first time that Charlie Sheen is credited with his real name name: Carlos Estevez.