Reviews & Counting
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Mother of Tears(2007)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Dario Argento

Asia Argento/Sarah
Moran Atias/Mater Lachrymarum
Adam James/Michael
Udo Kier/Padre Johannes
4 10
The third mother who goes by the name of Mater Lachrymarum (or sexy witch-bitch as I like to call her) unleashes her evil joo-joo upon Rome and it’s up to Asia Argento and her sweet ass to stop her!

In my Necronomicon, Dario Argento (one of my Top 5 favorite directors of all time) hasn’t made an excellent film since “The Stendhal Syndrome” (and many will debate me on that since Stendhal wasn't too well received). Sure “I Can’t Sleep” came close to giving me back Argento of old, close but no hookers. So in my feeble mind, if there was one film that could’ve returned Argento to top shape mode; it was MOTHER OF TEARS, his long awaited (by me anyways) closing chapter to his Three Mothers trilogy (which started with Suspiria and Inferno). So did he FINALLY doggy the bitch out of the bed? Well…mmm…yeah…okay…

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That's that on that! Cue in the funeral tune and let’s bow our heads in grief because the film that Argento should’ve nailed didn’t even come close. Now I’ll give it this, for its first hour or so I can’t say that I was ever bored. Argento filled this puppy with enough round titties, excessive/cruel gore gags and so bad their hilarious scenarios that I was actually entertained there for a while. Any movie that has a screeching monkey as a villain deserves some points from this jerk. In fact, now that I think about it, that monkey was the best actor in the whole damn film. Great f*cking monkey! I want one! Furthermore the occasional fly shot and the random anti-PC bits (kid being eaten, baby tossed over a bridge) had to be respected. Too bad all that jiving jive wasn’t within a better film.

Thing was, no matter how much unintentional laughter I got out of this sucka, I couldn’t help but feel bummed out that those laughs were derived off Argento’s closing chapter to Suspiria and Inferno. Dialogue? F*ck me man — who wrote this garbage... the monkey? Talk about amateur hour at the needle park. Acting? Did they even try to give good performances? Were the checks that low? Even the usually reliable Asia Argento was too often off the mark here! Then again, try spitting them garbage lines without looking like a moron. Even De Niro couldn’t have pulled that off! And what was up with all the tackiness at play? I mean hell on earth equals a bunch of cackling and mugging bitches in silly 80’s makeup? Armageddon is akin to a lesbo orgy on all fours? The greatest witch of all can be defeated with a sneeze in a micro second (what a shitty finale)? Daria Nicolodi as some grating pop goes the ghost talking trash? And don’t get me started on the plot holes, mucho required suspension of disbelief and choppy/lazy narrative line. Don’t do it man! DON’T DO IT! You’ll regret it….

Exploitation goodies aside; Mother of Tears was all wrong. When it tried to be scary, it was cheesy. When it tried to be smart, it was silly. A worthy follow up to the genius and artistry that was Suspiria and Inferno this wasn’t. I’m in mourning right now. I’ve been waiting for this film for years! Now that it has arrived, I wish it didn't exist. Lower the casket, shovel the dirt on top of it and piss on the gravestone — its over. RIP.

At least the film was one messy mofo! How does evisceration, eye gougings, choked by one’s innards, gut munching, slit throats, a pole up the vagina and out the mouth and more sound to ya? In this department, the film owned me!
After the chimp, Asia Argento (Sarah) was the better actress here and that says a lot cause she was more on and off than my last 3 relationships. WTF happened here? Moran Atias (Mater Lachrymarum) had a great bod, a yummy shaved poon and chewed the scenery fervently. Again…GREAT BOD and GREATER shaved poon! Adam James (Michael) made a fool of himself. The man was as credible as this review. Who cast this clown? Crusty? Even the GREAT Udo Kier (Padre Johannes) didn’t fully sell me here — uneven.
T & A
We got another winner here! Lovely titties left and right (Asia Argento included), lesbo action and Moran Atias’ sweet ass and sweeter twat came through!
Apart from a couple of fly crane and dolly shots, Argento was subdued once again, sticking to wide, wide and wide. Where’s the Argento of Suspiria? Profondo Rosso? Where did he go yo! Never Neverland India to hang with Michael Jackson?
Claudio Simonnetti rocked hard when he took a techno-ish stance on things. But he under whelmed with the shoddy choral shite and the “mother” whisper crap. Shabby! Half and half.
I’ve been waiting for MOTHER OF TEARS to spook the screens for what feels like two lifetimes. And now that its here, I’m so saddened to report that it spits a big, sticky loogey on the genius that was Suspiria and Inferno. Simpleton script, atrocious dialogue, Pre School acting and mostly flat directing — this is NOT what I was hoping for from this twat. Hey at least I got the monkey, some titties, groans & giggles at its expense and "out there" kills out of it. At least... AT LEAST MY ASS! SHAME ON EVERYBODY FOR THIS MESS! SHAME!
Screenwriters Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch also wrote the Tobe Hooper helmed stinker Mortuary (2005) and winner Toolbox Murders (2004).

Daria Nicolodi and Asia Argento are mother and daughter in reality. Dario Argento is of course pops!