Reviews & Counting
# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Stiles White

Olivia Cooke/Laine
Lin Shaye/Paulina
Bianca A. Santos/Isabelle
Ana Cotos/Sarah
2 10
A bunch of kids play a Ouija board to investigate the death of their friend at the hands of a Ouija board. Bring your pillow, it's on of those!
There are two horror movies that I missed this month due to my life getting in the way; OUIJA and DRACULA UNTOLD. Being that it was Halloween weekend and that I finally had some time for myself; I decided to catch one of them. The only reason I chose OUIJA was because it played early and I had shit to do afterwards. Man did I regret it; I was better off not seeing anything at all.

OUIJA is of course based on the spirit board, which Parker Brothers turned into a toy and gunned out there for the masses in the 60’s, Hasbro eventually took over the mantle in 1991. Some believe it can be used to talk with the dead (or demons pretending to be the dead), others think it’s our subconscious doing the yapping. Personally, I fooled around with one in my teens and that resulted in furniture moving by itself and doors violently slamming shut out of nowhere with no open windows in sight. So unless I’m a male version of Carrie, I don’t see what my subconscious had to do with that shite. I’ll never touch one again. But I digress. Lets talk about the movie. Thing is, there’s not much to say! Although OUIJA looked sleek with cool angles (first director Stiles White carried himself well), had potent atmosphere and some smooth steady cam shots (kudos to DP David Emmerichs); it didn’t take long for me to be bored to tears.

Even the talented Olivia Cooke (whom I love), a cool cameo by the oh so talented Lin Shaye and the constant BOO scares (which acted as my in-theatre alarm clock) couldn’t save this one for me. There wasn’t one creative bone in OUIJA’s body! The predictable chain of events was straight out of the cookie cutter mold, the characters were bland, the mystery was see through, and the suspense non-existent. I had little to hold on to here as it lumbered forward since I simply didn’t give a f*ck about anybody or anything that was happening in this genre product on auto-pilot. The teen girls yelping around me in the theatre frightened me more than the actual film. And I guess that’s the point. This flick was not made for me, a seasoned genre fan; it was made for kids/teens who haven’t seen many horror movies, if any. By the time I started vomiting CGI onto my lap, groaned at yet another dumb move and the last act cornball “surprise turn” kicked in; I just wanted to forget that I had spent hard earned coin to see this dreck.

The Ouija board can be a chilling element in a horror film. Kevin Tenney’s WITCHBOARD (1986) and the inferior WITCHBOARD 2 (1993) used it to great effect. Even THE EXORCIST (1973) made sly use of it. I was expecting a movie called OUIJA to bowl me over with spook board shenanigans; this one didn’t even come close. I’ve taken shits more compelling than this movie. OUIJA is everything that is wrong with modern horror from a “grown up” point of view. Un-inspired, dense, by the numbers and worse of all just f*cking DULL!I should have just jerked off with a cheese grater instead! You can take that board and shove it!
We gets some macabre CGI sights (like mouths sown shut) and if CG puff of smokes scare ya, you’ll be pissing in your pants here.
T & A
None. Where’s Tawny Kitaen and her kong ass legs when you need them?
The older you get, the less the world makes sense. I live in a society where a fine film like DELIVER US FROM EVIL underperforms and a turd like OUIJA kills it at the Box Office. Me no comprende! It’s Bizarro world over here! I could’ve have forgiven OUIJA’s connect the dots plot, its stick figures characters, its inane moves and the lack of tension if it just wasn’t so damn BORING! The polished look, Olivia Cooke, Lyn Shaye and all the boo scares in the world couldn’t give this one a heartbeat (cue in that Don Johnson song). If Ouija was food, it would be a cup of Ramen Noodles. i.e. CRAP! And to think John Wick was playing just next door to it… dammit, wrong move Arrow, wrong move…
Director Stiles White also wrote Boogeyman (2005), Knowing (2009) and The Possession (2012). Next on his list is the remake of The Birds aka a bad idea.