Everyone has their favorite types of horror movies to watch. You’ve got your supernatural, werewolf, slasher, and ghost fanatics. I, on the other hand am into the vampire genre. Not the classic Universal/Bela Lugosi vampire films, but the modern day vampire movies.
It’s because of my love for these movies that have led me to watch some real stinkers in my time. Terror, seduction, great special effects makeup, casting, appropriate usage of fake blood and a unique plot are key elements in a truly memorable vampire movie. (e.g. The Lost Boys, From Dusk Till Dawn, Fright Night)
But, so many vampire films seem to be missing these elements or they only rely on just a few of them. Here is my list of modern day vampire movies that really suck. (no pun intended).
By the way, I know there are most likely worse vampire movies out there, but luckily I had enough common sense to know that any straight to DVD vamp films, (e.g Carmen Electra’s American Vampire) were not worth watching.
WARNING HUGE FREAKING SPOILERS – READ AT YOUR OWN
RISK!
1. Vampire in Brooklyn
Before Wes Craven directed the awful werewolf flick, Cursed, he directed this Eddie Murphy horror/comedy flop. (Stay away from monster movies, Wes!) Now, I hate to admit this, but this movie is in my DVD collection. (Believe me I am as proud to admit that as someone who ever admitted they had Glitter in their collection.) It is a guilty pleasure, but even I can admit this film is terrible.
Horror comedies just do not work, especially this one. Seeing Eddie Murphy star in a horror film is like seeing Michael Jackson star in a gangster movie. This movie was an unique idea, but it just left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.
2. Once Bitten
Before Jim Carrey became the superstar that he is today, he starred in this piece of crap. This film was hilarious, not because of Jim Carrey’s popular comic abilities, but because this movie was so bad you couldn’t help but laugh at it. In the movie, he plays a virgin who gets seduced by a vampiress played by Lauren Hutton.
If this film had as much horror in it as it did gay bashing jokes, this film could have been very scary, but instead it was just plain awful, and if you don’t wince with embarrassment after watching this film’s infamous catfight/dance-a-thon scene, then you deserve a f*cking medal.
3. Bordello of Blood
What do you get when you mix Dennis Miller, Corey Feldman, an ex baywatch actress, an actress known for roles in soft core porn, and vampire hookers? A very f*cking awful movie, that’s what. I’m a fan of The Tales From The Crypt series, and I even liked Demon Knight, but this one was just plain disgusting.
To be quite honest, I only watched this for Chris Sarandon, and even I could tell this film was just a pay check to him. Well if you’re into cheesy one liners, vampires with breast implants, gallons of unnecessary blood and appearances from people who belong on The Surreal Life, I recommend this, but for everybody else, stay far away from this!
4. The Forsaken
When I first heard of this flick, I was really excited. I thought I was going to see a frightening vampire road trip film like Near Dark, but instead this film just felt like a rip-off of John Carpenter’s Vampires. (Considering what I had to say about Vampires in part 1 of this article, you can tell I was not very impressed.)
To be quite honest, I hardly remember this movie. I remember seeing two then WB stars, the incredibly good looking but not very scary main vampire played by Jonathon Schaech, a girl getting bit near her crotch, very annoying and quick cuts, and so-called vampires that didn’t actually transform into f*cking vampires! This flick did not strike any fear into me.
5. Embrace of the Vampire
This movie is a soft-cored porno disguised as a vampire movie. (But I should have known that considering the cast.) This film stars Alyssa Milano as a “virginal” freshman student who spends most of the movie in lesbian situations, dreaming about threesomes, walking into vampire group orgies, being horny for the lead vampire and gratuitously baring her breasts for most of the damn movie.
I guess the filmmaker thought the overbearing sexual situations would most likely make up for the apparent lack of vampirism in this film. WRONG! If I wanted to watch soft core porn, I would be watching the “Showcase” channel. (Inside Canadian joke)
6. Vamp
A few months ago I had borrowed this movie from a family member, and I was so scared to watch it, because this flick scared the crap out of me when I was a little girl. After watching it again, I had no idea why this movie scared me so bad. Yes, Grace Jones is still the most frightening part of this movie. Yes, Robert Rusler is still hot, but the rest of the movie was incredibly bad. If you want to watch a film about vampire strippers I suggest skipping this one, and renting From Dusk till Dawn instead.
7. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Before the hit television show, came this box office flop. This film starred Kristy Swanson (the original Buffy) kicking vampire ass, while falling for then teen heartthrob Luke Perry. Aside from Rutger Hauer’s presence and Paul “Peewee” Reuben’s hilarious death scene, this film was a laughable and an unscary horror comedy. I bet Donald Sutherland and Hilary Swank are trying to erase this “gem” off their filmographies.
8. Vampires
Okay, I know I’m going to get a lot of sh*t for putting this one in my top ten worst vampire movies, but I just didn’t like it. I know a lot of you horror fans out there appreciated this movie, and thought it was one of John Carpenter’s better films, and you’re entitled to your opinion. To be quite honest, if it wasn’t for the charismatic James Woods, I would have turned off the movie within the first half hour.
In the movie, we see James Woods play Jack Crow, a vampire killer who is trying to kill Valek, the main vampire in this film. The opening and conclusion of the film are great. Both filled with suspense and gore. But the whole middle of the movie was Yawn-worthy. My biggest vices with the film however are the casting of Daniel Baldwin, and how this film was able to spawn a horrible sequel starring Jon Bon Jovi. ICK!
9. Queen of the Damned
I think a lot of people didn’t bash this movie for the piece of crap it was, because of the surprising and untimely death of this film’s beautiful star, Aaliyah. But, I have to say this movie was a pile of sh*t! Some of you might not know, but this movie is actually a sequel to Interview with a Vampire. Stuart Townsend (a.k.a. “Mr. Charlize Theron”) plays Lestat, the character Tom Cruise made famous in the predecessor.
His portrayal of Lestat, lacks any of the charisma and personality Cruise had put into the role. This film has an awful soundtrack that you couldn’t pay me to listen to, cheesy dialogue, an incomprehensible plot and the Queen herself, does not even appear until the last half hour of the film! This film is one of the reasons why I won’t read anything by Anne Rice.
10. Dracula 2000
This modern day telling of the already done to death Dracula tale came out at a time when the horror genre was being exploited to death. This film tried to be scary, sexy and savvy, but it only came across as being another Scream clone. This “all-star”(actually B and C star) cast all did mediocre acting jobs, especially Gerald Butler who played the infamous Dracula.
Not that he’s a bad actor, I just thought he was miscast. None of it I found to be truly frightening, most of the scares were just “jumpers”. The film’s biggest flaw was the ridiculous twist of Dracula actually being a reincarnation of Judas. I’m surprised the writer and director of this film weren’t scared of the overly religious fanatics who most likely sent them death threats because of it.
