Review: Transformers

PLOT: Two years after TRANSFORMERS, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is heading off to college. The world knows nothing about the havoc the giant transforming robots have wreaked upon the earth, calling it an urban legend. The few remaining Autobots are working with a top secret agency, hunting down any remaining Decpticons. While trying to adjust to college life, Sam starts having visions and writing down strange symbols. With his girfriend Mikeala (Megan Fox), his crazy roommate Leo (Ramon Rodriguez) and his old enemy Agent Simmons (John Turturro), Sam must uncover the secret locked in his brain that could be the key to saving the world from it’s newest threat; the ancient Decepticon, The Fallen.

REVIEW: I almost don’t know where to start with this one. I guess the “good news/bad news” thing is the best way to go. So, first the good news. The Transformers themselves look great. There were a few unfinished shots here and there, but overall, very cool. There is a battle scene between Megatron and Optimus Prime in a forest that looked amazing. And, well, that’s about it.

Now the bad news, and damn, there is a lot of it. First the plot. I know they had to get this script in before the writer’s strike and that it was really rushed, but did no one proof read this thing? It’s like three different people wrote their own version of the film and taped pages together. You have a first act where Sam goes to college and you spend tons of time on it, only to abandon the device after the first half hour. They seem to do that a lot in this film. Mikeala makes a pet of a tiny Decepticon, who after being carried around in a box like some weird ass metal Chihuahua, decides he likes her, humps her leg and gives her the location of the ancient robot who will help them. Then he just disappears, never to be heard from again. The hot college girl in the beginning of the film who is practically swallowing Sam and throwing him down on the bed is a robot. Seriously. A skin job who tries to stab him with a metal tongue. And that’s the last time you see a robot in human form! They’ve based a film and multiple television shows on robots who look like humans and you just leave that after the first fifteen minutes? The first act has almost nothing to do with the second, and by the third, people were yelling out, “What is happening?”

Sam’s mom accidentally eats a pot brownie and starts flipping out to the point of jumping on a guy’s back and knocking them down. I’m sorry, but pot makes you sit on the couch and eat Cheetos, not attack people. And I refuse to believe that someone on that film isn’t fully aware of that. Not after what I just watched. You’ve got a herd of wild camels running through the desert and one has a hobble on it’s legs. Cause they just grow like that? No one thought to take that off? I think my very favorite screw up is the magical teleporting old Transformer (who used a cane, by the way…in case you didn’t know he was old) who seems to pass out bandages and an extra sock while transporting you to the desert. Shia hurts his hand, and when he reappears in the desert, he’s got a bandage around it. And later, he just happens to have an extra sock to put magical dust in. Of course, I could be wrong. I suppose I can think of one other reason someone might have an extra sock on him. No offense Shia. I do not mean to imply that you stuff.

Poor Shia. He actually did a good job here, despite all the problems. You have to hand it to someone who can act convincingly around not only robots you can’t see, but with a script that makes no sense whatsoever. Fox, on the other hand…I’m sorry boys. I know she’s hot. They made every attempt to remind us in the film. Butt shots in short shorts, big pouty close ups…and by the way, I do not believe for one second that someone like Shia LeBeouf would blow off someone like Megan Fox for a video date as he does in the film…she speaks like she’s stoned through the entire film and her lipgloss never seems to come off. I actually want to know where she bought the blindingly white jeans she wears at the end of the film. Because, even after almost being overtaken by an explosion, running and sliding through desert sand and holing up in an old and dusty building, they still look freshly washed. I could use a pair of those. Seriously, someone smack the costume person please. I’m sure she’d still be hot covered in dirt and free of shiny pink lip goo.

The story itself is ridiculous. And this is coming from someone who loves fantasy and sci-fi and will forgive a lot. Hell, I had Soundwave as a kid and my sister is married to the biggest Transformers fan in the world. But I just don’t buy that a race of robots, who have been on Earth for thousands of years just happened to hide a device in the pyramids that could blow up the sun just in case they happened to need it. I could explain that plot point to you, but trust me, it’s better if I don’t. I don’t understand a group of long dead Primes (who all look alike, but nothing like Optimus Prime, the only one left alive) are going to contact Sam through his mind. And I do not believe that two Transformers with stereotypical and frankly, racist ghetto accents are going to provide comic relief.

I really can’t believe the studio didn’t say anything about this. I just do not understand how anyone thought this was a good idea. Or even the slightest bit acceptable. It takes a lot to offend me, but this was just disgusting. Among other things, their faces had the appearance of a pre-Civil Rights era caricature, one of them has a giant gold tooth, and they make a big deal about how they “don’t do much readin’”. When they came on screen, audience members started looking at each other to make sure they weren’t imagining things. Watto and Jar Jar Binks have nothing on Mudflap and Skids.

I was not a huge fan of the first THE TRANSFORMERS film, though I actually like Kurtzman and Orci. This just doesn’t seem like their work at all. Look, the film is going to make wads of cash, no matter what I, or anyone else says about it. But I’m kind of in awe of how awful this film was.

The robots were pretty though.

RATING: 2/10