INVASION U.S.A (1985)
Rating: 3 out of 4 / Buy the DVD
Here.
Tagline: America wasn’t ready…but HE was!
Directed by: Joseph Zito
Starring: Chuck Norris, Richard Lynch, Melissa Prophet
THE PLAN: A horde of terrorists, lead by a scuzzy Russian mercenary named Rostov (Richard Lynch), invade the U.S. via Miami, where they begin to wantonly blow up cute suburban neighborhoods and poverty-stricken ghettos alike (during Christmastime no less, the sonsofbitches!). Only one man, ex-C.I.A. agent Hunter (Chuck Norris) can stop these commie bastards from giving America an atomic-wedgie.
THE KILL: INVASION U.S.A is an interesting movie experience in 2007. Back when it was made, this flick was most likely just a goofy fantasy, envisioning an over-the-top invasion of our shores by snarling, evil men with bazookas who exploded houses filled with sweet Caucasian families just because they hated America so much. Now, uh, I guess it doesn’t seem so goofy. Well, let me rephrase – it doesn’t seem so implausible. Goofy, it still is.
“They wanted a war… He GAVE them one!!”
As you know, all the hero in an 80s action flick has to do is look stoic while spouting out a few well-timed one-liners and shooting a rapid-fire machine gun. Chuck Norris fulfills these duties without a problem – in fact he’s pretty goddamn relaxed throughout the entire ordeal. More importantly, these movies always had ruthless-as-f*ck villains (especially when they’re sinister foreigners), and Richard Lynch’s Rostov is a real piece of work/shit.
After blowing away a boatload of helpless Cuban refugees during the film’s pre-credit sequence (such a delightful way to open a movie, by the way), the jerk’s next order of business, before setting into motion his brilliantly maneuvered invasion (i.e. dispatching gunmen to random places during the holidays where they blow the piss out of things), is the even more brilliantly thought-out preemptive strike against former nemesis Norris’s crapshack in the swamp, so he won’t be a thorn in their side when they finally get to wiping out democracy… Too bad they don’t take the next step and actually confirm if he’s dead or not. Hell, they didn’t even know if he was there for sure, they just blew up his home with the assumption he was taking a break from wrestling alligators, hanging out inside with his pet armadillo (yes, he wrestles alligators; yes he has a pet armadillo).
This ain’t smart, guys, and neither is killing Hunter’s Native American pal. With some prodding from his former employers at “the Agency,” Norris has to put on his serious-face and get to work defending our liberty and single-handedly spin-kicking communism in the chest, sending it screaming through a bursting window. Seasons BEATINGS!
Rostov makes like a bazooka-happy Santa Claus.
Intriguingly, Norris doesn’t employ his reliable karate technique too often in INVASION U.S.A., opting instead for the even-more-reliable machine gun and pickup truck one-two punch. More often than not, he rumbles into action in his vehicle to dispense some stone-faced justice via a barrage of bullets – usually mere moments before or immediately after the dirtbags have pulled-off some sadistic bit of violence. In the end, he discovers that a rocket-launcher is his best friend, as blowing Rostov to a billion bits apparently completely shuts down the entire invasion. Take that World War III, ya chump!
TOP DEATH: Rostov ends a coke deal with gusto in what is perhaps the greatest scene ever filmed in modern movie history.
TOP ACTION SCENE:
Hunter, in all his psychic glory, literally bursts into a mall just as some terrorists are wreaking havoc (actually, approximately 10 seconds after they first mow down the mall security). He goes on to chase a few scumbuckets who commandeer a floor-model truck, helping them to turn the mall into a demolition derby.
TOP LINE: Hunter to a dude who’s giving him grief: “If you come back in here, I’m gonna hit you with so many rights, you’re gonna beg for a left.”
HOMOEROTIC MOMENT:
Norris doesn’t even get to romance a chick, you think there’s room for any homoeroticism? If there is a hint of it, it’s Rostov’s signature murder move: shoving a gun down a guy’s pants and turning his nuts into
Swiss cheese. I don’t know why he likes to do this so, but I suspect he’s dealing with some unresolved issues…
FEMALE EXPLOITATION:
The only visible female is an obnoxious reporter, who also shares Hunter’s miraculous gift for being in the exact spot of carnage the second that it occurs, but believe me, you don’t want a piece of this shrill annoyance – and neither does Chuck, who looks appropriately pissed off at her very presence every step of the way.
DRINKING GAME:
Drink every time Rostov says something along the lines of “We must get Hunter out of the way first! Then we can move on with the next part of our plan!” He screams this sentiment well into the second half of the movie.
TRIVIA: Norris co-wrote the screenplay. Was the scrotum-shooting his or his co-writer’s idea? Hmmm…
Director Joseph Zito made his bones directing slasher flicks like THE PROWLER and FRIDAY THE 13th : THE FINAL CHAPTER… He also once utilized the alias “Joseph Bigwood.” Ummm… okey-dokey!
Norris: “It’s time…”
Lynch: “Uuurrrrrghhaaaaaaa!!!”
Rocket Launcher: “Kabooooomm!”
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