THE “COUGH COUGH” STORY Think Stephen King’s THINNER, but instead of a curse that gradually makes you lose weight, you have a giant bird threatening to tear off your face. That’s essentially the set-up of ROADKILL, which might also be called CHEEPERS CREEPERS. (Because birds go “cheep cheep”, you see? Yeah, you see.) A random sojourn through Ireland goes awry for six birdbrained friends after they accidentally run over an old gypsy woman in their mobile home; the old gal has enough life left in her to bestow the ugly Americans with a most unusual curse, however: She’s sics a Simuroc on them, “Simuroc” being a fancy name for “giant silly bird”.
Not long after (not kidding; like, one minute later), the small group realizes the seriousness of their vehicular manslaughter when the Simuroc descends from the heavens and begins its calculated spree of kidnapping, slashing and biting our befuddled anti-heroes. Their troubles don’t end there, either: The dead gypsy’s clan has also taken the hit-and-run poorly and make it their business to assist the Simuroc in its hunt for the Americans. It’s enough to make you not even want to go to Ireland and run over an old lady…
“Next try NOT running me over! Ohhhh burn!”
ARE YOU SERIOUS?: ROADKILL gets down to business with seriousness in its action sequences; well, as serious as you can be showing a large, ungainly vulture thing swoop down on character after character. However, ROADKILL’s denouement is so forcefully goofy that it can only be taken as a sign the filmmakers are patting you on the back for sitting through their crazy bird movie.
MONSTER 411: If you’ve seen BIRDEMIC, then you’ve seen the villain in ROADKILL’s offspring. True, the effects here are slightly more professionally rendered (at least the Simuroc turns its head and shows off some sweet diving skills), but for the most part we’re reminded of BIRDEMIC more than we have any right to be while watching anything other than BIRDEMIC… BIRDEMIC!
From the very special human sacrifice-themed episode of “Glee”
PAYCHECK ACTING: The lord only knows what Stephen Rea (THE CRYING GAME, INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE) is doing in this film – although as it’s set in Ireland and he’s Irish, I can only assume he owed Ireland a solid? His contribution to ROADKILL amounts to little more than an extended cameo (he plays a cop who is also dealing with a curse), so I will only accept “he was paid one million dollars per minute of screen time” as an answer.
HOE DOWN: Eliza Bennett (as Hailey) is only really notable for her non-sensical wardrobe choice for traversing the hills of Ireland: A short skirt and high heels. Hey, no complaints here. Kacey Barnfield as the strong, sensible Kate is… strong. Sensible… *tumbleweed rolls by*
Somehow, Ms. Barnfield does NOT end up dressed like this at any point in the film…
WRAP UP: As far as curse-spurred giant killer bird pictures go, ROADKILL has one or two things going for it: The lush scenery is certainly pleasing to the eye; at the very least it’s more novel than what Vancouver has to offer. (Nothing against Vancouver, but if I see one more horror movie set predominantly in its instantly-recognizable woods, I’ll just…) The flick doesn’t discriminate when it comes to offing its characters, so anyone is likely to be clawed beyond recognition at any time. ROADKILL’s main fault lies with said characters, who are so completely unmemorable that you’ll be excused for forgetting their names and/or faces the moment they leave the screen. But that’s okay, since whenever they do flee the premises, it’s usually with the assistance of the Simuroc, who is really the main attraction anyway.
RATING: 2 out of 4
SO BAD IT’S GOOD RATING 3 out of 4
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