Crom led me! My journey with Conan the Cimmerian! (Part 1)

Last Updated on July 23, 2021

“My characters are more like men than these real men are, see. They’re rough and rude, they got hands and they got bellies. They hate and they lust; break the skin of civilization and you find the ape, roaring and red-handed.” — Robert E. Howard

The character of Conan the Cimmerian, better known as Conan the Barbarian has lived with me since I was a wee Arrow. Created by Robert E. Howard (who also fathered Kull, Red Sonja, Dark Agnes and Solomon Kane) in the 1930s (via a series of short stories), the character has since become BEYOND iconic… the mofo won’t go down and has yet to stop swinging. Yup, eighty years after his first appearance in Weird Tales (in the “The Phoenix on the Sword”, a re-write of a rejected Kull story named “By This Axe I Rule!”); Conan has been keeping real busy.

Artist Frank Frazetta’s awesome interpretations of Conan helped shape how sword and sorcery themed images are done today.

He was in movies, books, on TV in varied forms, in video games and is still owning the comic world to this day (Marvel Comics launched Conan in comic form in 1970, then Dark Horse Comics took over in 2003). And now he is ready to axe down the screens once more by way of the upcoming “re-telling” CONAN THE BARBARIAN, directed by Marcus Nispel and starring Jason Momoa as Conan. Before I dive into my thoughts as to the new Conan flick; let me share with ya the journey (as led by Crom who else), in chronological order, that resulted in my total love and adoration for the most popular Cimmerian in Cimmeria. CONAN! Recognize!

FIRST STEP: CONAN THE DESTROYER (1984)

Back in 1984, my friend’s brother brought us to the theaters to see GREMLINS. Alas, it was sold out; so instead of going back home with upside down frowns on our faces, my bud’s bro was cool enough to pay our way into a replacement movie: Richard Fleischer’s CONAN THE DESTROYER. Not only was it my first introduction to CONAN but it was also my initiation to Arnold Schwarzenegger, a man who would become one of my favorite action heroes and one of my main sources of inspiration in terms of life and tackling it with all that you have. At the time, I had never seen somebody so muscled, it blew my freaking mind and right there that sparked my interest in bodybuilding… but that’s another tall tale to be told another day.

After my screening, CONAN THE DESTROYER was all that and a bag of dead hoes to me. I mean it was fast paced, sported enough violence to please, put out a horde of memorable baddies (the Enter the Dragon wannabee mirror wizard and that horned monster bastard owned) and some of the chicas (the dangerously sexy Sarah Douglas and a teenage Olivia d’Abo in her first role) got my untrained wood going. Coming out of the theater and returning home, I dragged my brother in the backyard and beat him with a stick. Why? Cause I WAS Conan and he was not. Long Live Crom! The end. So with that film, the hook was sunk in deep and the character was stamped into my heart.

Conan’s physique is ridiculous! Mofo pumped!

Now it should be slashed that I watched CONAN THE DESTROYER  again yesterday, in the name of refreshing my memory for this piece and to also knock back a healthy swig of nostalgia. Clocking it as a grown up, it was so-so…sadly. Too fluffy, not violent enough and some of the action scenes were flat. Arnold was in top physical shape though, Grace Jones shined and it’s hard to go wrong with Sarah Douglas as a sexy villainess, but on a whole, it didn’t age well. But no matter, the movie will always have a special place in my dead-beat heart. One day when/if I ever I have kids, it will be one of the first movies I show them, when they are old enough of course, (like 5 or 6 years old). It helped shape who I am today and I wanna share that love.

Little Known Facts: Writers Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway, who did the story treatment for CONAN THE DESTROYER, were so bummed by the final screenplay and the finished film, that they turned their story into the graphic novel CONAN: THE HORN OF AZOTHGRAPHIC.

GET CONAN THE DESTROYER ON DVD HERE

STEP 2 CONAN THE BARBARIAN.

Being that CONAN THE DESTROYER had left such a mark on me; I begged my parents at the time for them to rent the first film of the series: the 1982 CONAN THE BARBARIAN which was dominating the Video Stores shelves. But they wouldn’t budge, saying it was too violent and disturbing for my young, impressionable self. So when I became old enough to get my own freaking movies like a big boy; I went and hunted down John Milius’ classic, the one that started it all, on film that is. So I watched it, and didn’t care for it. I felt it was too talky, it didn’t have enough action and lacked the fun that DESTROYER sported. Yes, I didn’t know shit. So I put it aside and ended my courtship with CONAN right there, f*ck that franchise I thought.

Conan gonna f*ck you up!

Thing was, I wasn’t mature enough to appreciate good cinema then and being that the soft DESTROYER had initiated me to CONAN’s world; I was let down when I didn’t get more of the same. Years later, I re-visited the picture again and finally saw it for the bleak, stripped down, brutal and visceral masterpiece that it is. There was an unsettling vibe about the affair, with the snake motif at play and James Earl Jones spooking the house as baddie Thulsa Doom. To this day, I keep re-visiting this one at least once a year. CONAN is portrayed as an anti-hero, a violent man capable of good, but also evil, depending if the crisis at hand fits with his code of honor. Moreover, the movie had a genius score by Basil Poledouris, bang on visual effects, a macho vbe that I dug (men were men here), a finale that whooped me silly and priceless lines like the one found in the clip below. They ask CONAN what is best in life? And he wisely answers:

Maybe CONAN THE BARBARIAN didn’t do much for me when I first wrestled it as a twerp but the moment I developed taste and intelligence that went beyond sucking my thumb and shooting my pants to the bra section of the Sears Catalog; I recognized it for the CINEMATIC MARVEL that it is; if you haven’t seen it – SEE IT!

Little Known Facts: Oliver Stone’s initial script for the film had the Conan story take place in a post-apocalyptic future. Thank Crom that was abandoned!

Some scenes in the movie were influenced by Howard’s Conan stories, others by non Conan Howard stories while some elements were just made up for the film (like the riddle of steel for example).

The character of Thulsa Doom actually originated in Howard’s Kull stories, not Conan.

GET CONAN THE BARBARIAN ON DVD HERE

STEP 3: CONAN ON TV!

Being that the next CONAN movie (Conan the Conqueror) wasn’t happening (Arnie did Predator instead) and eventually became KULL THE CONQUEROR (1997) starring Kevin Sorbo (I’ve never seen it, I hear it sucks ass)…I had to find a new outlet. I sank my teeth into RED SONJA (1985) but that made for a poor substitute… and then it happened. Conan got his his first animated series called CONAN THE ADVENTURER (1992). The series was about Conan (and a group of allies, loved that ninja chick and that bird) having to save his parents, who were turned into stone statues by some evil snake worshiping dude called Wrath-Amon (a dead ringer for Serpentor in GI Joe BTW). Although aimed at kids, it was well written, smarter than the norm and it really got into its characters/relationships which I esteemed. A toy line was launched at the time, I remember cause I always wanted to get one of them Conan figurines, but it never happened. Hey, at least got this gnarly Conan figurine since:

Two warriors! My Conan figurine standing tall and proud next to The Rocket.

The series launched on October 1, 1992, ran for 64 episodes and concluded one year later, on November 22, 1993. That was not the end of CONAN on TV though. CONAN AND THE YOUNG WARRIORS was put out in 1994, acting as a sequel to the popular Adventurer cartoon. Much like me in bed after too many drinks, it didn’t last long though, only 13 episodes and to TV heaven it went. CONAN ended his TV stint via the live action CONAN TV SHOW which aired from 1997 to 1998. The show was low on coin, had great man Ralph Möller playing Conan and the whole thing took the lighter feel of DESTROYER and jacked it to the max. It was a very light hearted show, so much so that I couldn’t take it seriously as a faithful interpretation of the CONAN I know and love. I watched the first 3 episodes or so and then tuned out, realizing it was poseur drivel (Conan was way too chipper, jokey and sociable here, think an overgrown Care Bear)…f*ck… that… noise!

Little Known Facts: The live action Conan TV show was shot in Puerto Vallarta, Jalisco, Mexico.

Es tu Conan? NO!

GET CONAN THE ADVENTURER BOX SET 1 HERE
GET CONAN THE ADVENTURER BOX SET 2 HERE
GET THE CONAN TV SHOW HERE

CROM OWNS YOU!

STAY TUNED FOR THE END OF MY QUEST IN PART 2 OF THIS EDITORIAL!