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Movie Review: The Great Wall
"They know we're in here, they're trying to French fry us!" - Suzi
I have a peculiar ritual that I do once a year. Ever heard of Casa Noble, Tequila? Well it's really strong stuff; I'm talking 80 proof and it kicks serious ass! So, once a year, I guzzle down a whole bottle solo in my dingy abode and I get so damn wasted that CHEF BOYARDEE (yes, that mugging, ravioli duder...see him here) appears to me. Yeah you heard me! He actually pops up in my cribb, nifty cooking hat, stupid smile and swell apron in tow! Gotta love booze!
So last Friday, I did the Casa Noble "doo" and the CHEF and IÂ had a lengthy discussion about the pros and cons of squatting in public bathrooms. I eventually launched a whopper of a question his way: "What would be his recipe for the ideal B Cheese Movie?" The wise old fart responded with two words: CHOPPING and MALL. He followed that up by giving me the recipe found below to make his point. Well I was sold and hunted down the sucker after that! Question is, you going to dig into this or what?
CHEF BOYARDEE'S SCRUMPTIOUS B-CHEESE HORROR MADNESS RECIPE
â€˘ 3 Psycho Robots that look like â€śNumber 5â€ť (from Short Circuit) but on Steroids.
â€˘ One ludicrous premise (didnâ€™t know that mall crimes were bad to this point)
â€˘ 1 Dick Miller cameo (canâ€™t have a Parmesan fest without him; he owns!)
â€˘ 4 hot babes who are no afraid to showcase their babeness. One of the babes MUST be yummy Scream Queen Barbara Crampton.
â€˘ 2 tablespoons of Karo Syrup.
â€˘ 1 set of rock hard tit implants for the â€śphony melonâ€ť lovers of the world.
â€˘ 1 golf cart VS robot confrontation (You go boy! LOL!).
â€˘ One geek hero and one macho man stud, acting with constant gum chewing.
â€˘ At least 10 silly lines of the likes of: "I guess I'm just not used to being chased around a mall, in the middle of the night, by killer robots."
1. Take all the ingredients above and toss them in a pot.
2.Make sure to have the security mall Robots be armed with laser canons and C4 explosive devices for maximum fun timesâ€¦we all know how dangerous shoplifters can get.
3. When the female nudity or sexy shots arise, have the camera linger on the said chickâ€™s privates long enough to give male spectators a semi or/and inpire a wet spot inÂ lesbian viewers.
4. Have the inane dialogue surface at the peak of the idiotic situations for full-on giggle-fit impact.
5. The inconsistencies within the plot must be overcooked to the point of obviousness (like the fluctuating effects of the lasers)
6. Always have the killer droids be polite before axing aÂ horny teen by asking in a dignified voice: "May I see your identification badge please?"
7. Horny teenagers must all be automatic weapons connoisseurs in order to â€śRambo-Gramâ€ť those robots to junkyard hell, especially if oneâ€™s father was a Marine.
8. Have the teenage leads be in-explicably appealing in order
for the audience to be bummed out when they die. Yes, even the gum chewing mook!
9. Heavily stir all of the above; execute it all with "tongue firmly planted in cheek", add a handful of EXTREMELY TACKY soundtrack, at times dirt cheap production values (those Light Bright computers rocked!) and a pinch of slicker than it should've been directing.
10. Bake at 69 Celsius for a fast-paced, you'll never be bored running time of 76 minutes.
...Dish be f*ucking done and itâ€™s called Chopping Mall!
DOUBLE DIP IN THIS! YOU B-MOVIE GLUTTONS! Â