Chopping Mall (1986)
Director: Jim Wynorski
Zoe Kelli Simon/Alison
A group of horny teens party it up in a mall “after hours” (I guess they didn’t have the coin to rent a Motel room) and wind up having to go “mano et mano” with 3 security droids on the “kill-kill” fritz. How’s that for an evening? I didn’t know malls could be so much fun!
know we're in here, they're trying to French fry us!" - Suzi
I have a peculiar ritual that I do once a
year. Ever heard of Casa Noble, Tequila? Well it's really strong stuff;
I'm talking 80 proof and it kicks serious ass! So, once a year, I guzzle down a
whole bottle solo in my dingy abode and I get so damn wasted that
CHEF BOYARDEE (yes, that mugging,
him here) appears to me. Yeah you heard
me! He actually pops up in my cribb, nifty cooking hat, stupid smile and swell apron in tow!
Gotta love booze!
So last Friday, I did the Casa Noble "doo"
and the CHEF and I had a lengthy discussion about the pros and cons of
squatting in public bathrooms. I eventually launched a whopper of a question his
way: "What would be his recipe for the ideal B Cheese Movie?" The wise
old fart responded with two words: CHOPPING and MALL. He followed that up by
giving me the recipe found below to make his point. Well I was sold and
hunted down the sucker after that! Question is, you going to dig into this or
CHEF BOYARDEE'S SCRUMPTIOUS
B-CHEESE HORROR MADNESS RECIPE
• 3 Psycho Robots that look like “Number 5” (from Short Circuit) but on Steroids.
• One ludicrous premise (didn’t know that mall crimes were bad to this point)
• 1 Dick Miller cameo (can’t have a Parmesan fest without him; he owns!)
• 4 hot babes who are no afraid to showcase their babeness. One of the babes
MUST be yummy Scream Queen Barbara Crampton.
• 2 tablespoons of Karo Syrup.
• 1 set of rock hard tit implants for the “phony melon” lovers of the world.
• 1 golf cart VS robot confrontation (You go boy! LOL!).
• One geek hero and one macho man stud, acting with constant gum chewing.
• At least 10 silly lines of the likes of: "I guess I'm just not used to being chased around a mall, in the middle of the night, by killer robots."
1. Take all the ingredients above and toss them in a pot.
2.Make sure to have the security mall Robots be armed with laser canons and C4 explosive devices for maximum fun times…we all know how dangerous shoplifters can get.
3. When the female nudity or sexy shots arise, have the camera linger on the said chick’s privates long enough to give male spectators a semi or/and
inpire a wet spot in lesbian viewers.
4. Have the inane dialogue surface at the peak of the idiotic situations for full-on giggle-fit impact.
5. The inconsistencies within the plot must be overcooked to the point of obviousness (like the fluctuating effects of the lasers)
6. Always have the killer droids be polite before axing a horny teen by asking in a dignified voice:
"May I see your identification badge please?"
7. Horny teenagers must all be automatic weapons connoisseurs in order to “Rambo-Gram” those robots to junkyard hell, especially if one’s father was a Marine.
8. Have the teenage leads be in-explicably appealing in order
for the audience to be bummed out when they die. Yes, even the gum chewing mook!
9. Heavily stir all of the above; execute it all with "tongue firmly planted in cheek", add a handful of EXTREMELY TACKY soundtrack, at times dirt cheap production values (those Light
Bright computers rocked!) and a pinch of slicker than it should've been directing.
10. Bake at 69 Celsius for a fast-paced, you'll never be bored running time of 76 minutes.
...Dish be f*ucking done and it’s called Chopping Mall!
DOUBLE DIP IN THIS!
YOU B-MOVIE GLUTTONS!
The hors d’oeuvres were cheap looking but still tasted good enough for me to stay for dessert! We get a damaged, bloody neck, death by electrocutions, a sloppy slit throat, a groovy yet paper mache exploding head, some laser action and more! The flick wasn’t as gory as I had hoped but it delivered the goods none the less. That exploding head made ruin my “Jockeys”, laughed so hard!
Zoe Kelli Simon (Alison) is a fav of mine having loved her in “Night of the Comet” and “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”. She rocked the “Kasbah” here too as the “virginal” yet bubbly and take charge cutie. Remember Tony O'Dell (Ferdy) from “Head of the Class”? Neither do I but he was effective as the nerd/nice guy type. Barbara Crampton (Suzie) how sweet is thee! Barbara Crampton how sweet is thee when smiling! Barbara Crampton how sweet is thee when dropping her top! Barbara Crampton, how sweet! John Terlesky (Mike) let his gum do most of the “cocky” acting and when that wouldn’t work; he’d take off his shirt and call it a show! Dick Miller (Walter) was Dick Miller again. And as per usual, he slapped a big smile on my face!
T & A
Sleaze King Wynorski knows the dealio and he gave us the goods! We get totally random scantily clad chicks prancing about the mall and a main course of two groovy tit shots (one from yum-yum Barbara Crampton no less). The ladies also get their steak in the guise of buff “hunk du jour” John Terlesky shirtless 24/7.
I was actually often impressed by the shots Wynorski pulled off! They say that a low budget makes one more creative than if he had “cheddar” pouring out of his pockets; and that statement proved true here. The flick looked slick, groovy shots were many and the editing (that awkward cut aside) was tight! I dug it!
The “synthesizer” score by Chuck Cirino boogied in its pleasantly dated and uber tacky demeanor. Perfect for this type of party!
Chopping Mall has been calling my name for eons! It was that box cover that stared back at me from those dingy video store shelves and since I started running this site, it has been the most requested review by our readers. I blind-bought the movie based on their recommendations and of course the astuteness of Chef Boyardee. I’d like to whole heartily thank everybody who busted my hazel-nuts to see this film where I totally fell in love/lust with it!
Obviously made by ardent genre fans, this deliciously fun slice of campy horror/sci-fi cheese cake rarely lost its game! It pleasantly never took itself seriously, hence when it was good, it was aces high and when it was bad it was actually much better! Granted with a bigger budget some aspects could’ve been improved (like more frequent and higher quality gore) but that minor peeve aside, I had a Jell-O rub-a-dub with it all and then some! It's got to be one of the best "I'm a B-Movie and proud of it" opus that I've seen in a long time! Guess what I’m doing next weekend? CHOPPING MALL but with..."MUCHO BUDDIES BACK-UP!" IT'S MILLER TIME!
Director Jim Wynorski was behind the voices of the robots
Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov had cameos here as their Eating Raoul characters.
Dick Miller actually played the same character that he interpreted in A Bucket of Blood.
Jim Wynorski admitted that this flick was a take on the film TRAPPED. A TV Movie made in 1973 about a dude trapped in a mall with angry dogs.
Is it me or did RoboCop rip on Chopping Mall? The robot unveiling scene in Robo and the one in Chopping Mall were eeriely similar.
READ MY INTERVIEW WITH BARBARA CRAMPTON HERE