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The Nun (2005)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Luis De La Madrid

Starring:
Anita Briem/Eva
Alistair Freeland/Joel
Belén Blanco/Julia
Manu Fullola/Gabriel
4 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
An evil spirit Nun, using water as a conduit returns from the grave to “punish” the girls that used to bust her chops at the Catholic school she taught at. Wacky Nun attacks ensue…as I dream of my pillow…
THE LOWDOWN
From a story from Jaume Balagueró (Darkness, Fragile), The Nun is starting to sink in in terms of Filmax’s M.O. behind many of their properties: stellar directing/cinematography, groovy premises, fly gore but dumb as shite screenplays, awful acting/stilted deliveries.

With the right fine tuning, The Nun could’ve been something to nun about. It displayed some mucho groovy “nun made of water” attacks that had me marveling at the screen like a child seeing his first pair of melons. See the nun crash through windows, leap through people (wetting them in the process) and pop out of bathtubs like hell on wheels. YEEHAW! FUN STUFF! I was very impressed by the handling and execution of those sequences. I also dug some of the zany murders (elevator…nice), the dread filled visuals, the chilling sound design and the ambitious set pieces (dug that room filled with water jive). Sadly instead of running with its initial premise in a “fun, cheese way”, The Nun went and took the opposite path: “the dead pan, bla-bla heavy” way. Come man! It’s the type of flick that shows the Nun sitting on the wing of a flying plane at some damn point (Little cute nod to Twilight Zone). How can they go the serious way after that is beyond me!

So once our gang entered the abandoned Catholic school at the half way point it was over as the audience torture began. You see even though the kids know there’s a spirit killer nun made of water wanting to axe them out, they go into make out sessions (right there in the Nun's room...wow), stare at the nun when she appears instead of running the other way and much to my dismay go into expositional rants that would put even the most ardent coke addict to sleep. Did the back-story really need to be that intricate? Did everybody graduate from Ghost 101 class with honors here? Did the second half have to be such a freaking bore? It’s a killer Nun jamboree movie man not a dissection of the human condition! Tag to that random plot holes (Why was the Nun possessed from the get-go again?), annoying characters (That Joel kid pissed me off and so did his useless camcorder) and an inane final twist and you get a sinning chore to sit through, one that never lived up to its initial qualities.

The Nun could’ve been a hoot if the people behind it aimed to have fun THE WHOLE WAY! That second half ruined everything! Think a bag of talky, filler heavy, trivial and bland bullshite! Rent The Convent instead; this Nun sucks bull-dog balls and doesn't even beg for seconds! HOW RUDE!

GORE
We get a couple of good howlers: arms chopped off by an elevator, a slick beheading, an impaling, some blood and more! Could’ve been gorier but I appreciated what was there.
ACTING
Cutie Anita Briem (Eva) was the better actress here and I bough her performance. Hope to see her in more stuff! Alistaitr Freeland (Joel) had bad lines and a freaking video camera glued to his hand 24/7…nope I didn’t like him. Belén Blanco (Julia) was pretty but her character so got on my nerves. Manu Fullola (Gabriel) did what he had to do adequately. It should be said that the lousy screenplay/characterization is mostly what made these actors look bad.
T & A
Nun…get it…NUN! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LMAO! I suck…
DIRECTING
Luis De La Madrid gave us some polished shots, arresting slow motion, an oppressively somber atmosphere and a couple of well staged ghost nun bits; too bad the screenplay was a total waste.
SOUNDTRACK
The chilling score and the even chillier sound designs were too good for this film!
BOTTOM LINE
Somebody forget he was making a "silly but amusing" horror film. I mean we got a killer Nun made of water, which is in itself freaking ridiculous. We have over the top kills and outlandish set pieces…and what to they do with all that candy? Make it overly complex with shitty dialogue, awful characterization, snore inducing exposition, zero tit shots, stupid turns and idiotic character moves to boot. COME ON! Keep it simple and fun…KEEP IT SIMPLE AND FUN Especially if it’s a damn killer ghost nun made of water opus. Thumbs down, middle fingers up for this one! SHEESH!
BULL'S EYE
Look out for brain Yuzna flick playing as the in flight movie. Funny stuff!

The flick was shot in Barcelona, Barcelona and Cataluña, Spain

VISIT THE NUN PAGE HERE

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