Summer means a lot of things to me: short skirts, sunshine, tight tops, one night stands, drinks on terraces with buds, outdoor sports, camping, the beach and frustration when I’m trapped inside working instead of being outside enjoying life. It also means that the 2011 Movie Summer Season has begun and here are the genre titles we’re being back-handed with this year. I gotta say it, not much pure horror in the house this summer, but hey we’re still getting a couple of promising looking flicks. So, here they are, with my two cents tagged to their asses as to how pumped (meh or junk) I am for them. This is just my opinion of course, my gut if you will, share your take on them with us below!
JUNE RELEASES:
PRIEST
Release Date: May 13, 2011
SYNOPSIS: PRIEST, a western-fused post-apocalyptic thriller, is set in an alternate world — one ravaged by centuries of war between man and vampires. The story revolves around a legendary Warrior Priest (Paul Bettany) from the last Vampire War who now lives in obscurity among the other downtrodden human inhabitants in walled-in dystopian cities ruled by the Church. When his niece (Lily Collins) is abducted by a murderous pack of vampires, Priest breaks his sacred vows to venture out on an obsessive quest to find her before they turn her into one of them. He is joined on his crusade by his niece’s boyfriend (Cam Gigandet), a trigger-fingered young wasteland sheriff, and a former Warrior Priestess (Maggie Q) who possesses otherworldly fighting skills.
JUNK: I predict a handful of cool, slow-mo heavy action scenes wrapped up in a mundane and crammed too tight narrative. Feels like it belongs straight to DVD instead of on the big screen… we’ll see. Oh and shove that Post Conversion 3D up your Post Conversion 3D ass Hollywood… you won’t get my extra dough! Am seeing it 2D or not at all.
TREE OF LIFE
Release Date: May 26, 2011
SYNOPSIS: We trace the evolution of an eleven-year-old boy in the Midwest, Jack, one of three brothers. At first all seems marvelous to the child. He sees as his mother does, with the eyes of his soul. She represents the way of love and mercy, where the father tries to teach his son the world’s way, of putting oneself first. Each parent contends for his allegiance, and Jack must reconcile their claims. The picture darkens as he has his first glimpses of sickness, suffering and death. The world, once a thing of glory, becomes a labyrinth.
Framing this story is that of adult Jack, a lost soul in a modern world, seeking to discover amid the changing scenes of time that which does not change: the eternal scheme of which we are a part. When he sees all that has gone into our world’s preparation, each thing appears a miracle precious, incomparable. Jack, with his new understanding, is able to forgive his father and take his first steps on the path of life
PUMPED: Not genre-ish (or is it) but this is my most anticipated flick of the year, so I am mentioning it. The trailer affects me and sends shivers down my spine every time I clock it, so I can just imagine what the movie will do to me. Terrance Malick has yet to let me down and my instincts say that there is more than meets the eye with this one. Am expecting an existential THE FOUNTAIN meets 2001 type of spiel. I’ll be first in line!
JULY RELEASES:
SUPER 8
Release Date: June 10, 2011
SYNOPSIS: In the summer of 1979, a group of friends in a small Ohio town witness catastrophic train crash while making a super 8 movie and soon suspect that it was not an accident. Shortly after, unusual disappearances and inexplicable events begin to take place in town, and the local Deputy tries to uncover the truth – something more terrifying than any of them could have imagined.
PUMPED: CLOVERFIELD rocked and this one has a retro Stand by Me/Explorers feel to it. And the fact that I’m still not 100% sure as to what it’s about gets my fanboy boner even harder. Finally marketing done right! Don’t blow your whole load on the net yo, blow it on the big screen! Sold!
TRANSFORMERS 3
Release Date: July 1, 2011
SYNOPSIS: TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON features Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf) taking his first tenuous steps into adulthood while remaining a reluctant human ally of Optimus Prime. The film centers around the space race between the U.S.S.R. and the USA, suggesting there was a hidden Transformers role in it all that remains one of the planet’s most dangerous secrets. The villain of the third film will be Shockwave.
MEH: Although the trailer looks nuts in a good way; after the lube-less ass rape that was TRANSFORMERS 2, I’m a tad hesitant to get in a tizzy for this one. With that, I hope it’s good! I really do! Bay at his best blows my mind! Nobody does large scale action like that dude! Make up for TF2 Bay! You owe it to us! And I know you can!
COWBOYS AND ALIENS
Release Date: July 29, 2011
SYNOPSIS: 1873. Arizona Territory. A stranger (Craig) with no memory of his past stumbles into the hard desert town of Absolution. The only hint to his history is a mysterious shackle that encircles one wrist. What he discovers is that the people of Absolution don’t welcome strangers, and nobody makes a move on its streets unless ordered to do so by the iron-fisted Colonel Dolarhyde (Ford). It’s a town that lives in fear. But Absolution is about to experience fear it can scarcely comprehend as the desolate city is attacked by marauders from the sky. Screaming down with breathtaking velocity and blinding lights to abduct the helpless one by one, these monsters challenge everything the residents have ever known.
Now, the stranger they rejected is their only hope for salvation. As this gunslinger slowly starts to remember who he is and where he’s been, he realizes he holds a secret that could give the town a fighting chance against the alien force. With the help of the elusive traveler Ella (Olivia Wilde), he pulls together a posse comprised of former opponents—townsfolk, Dolarhyde and his boys, outlaws and Apache warriors—all in danger of annihilation. United against a common enemy, they will prepare for an epic showdown for survival.
PUMPED: Trailers are dope, James Bond and Indiana Jones in one film, the Favs behind the lens, looks like a freaking blast to me! I’m in!
AUGUST RELEASES:
RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
Release Date: August 5 , 2011
SYNOPSIS: An origin story in the true sense of the word, RISE OF THE APES is set in present day San Francisco. The film is a reality-based cautionary tale — a science fiction/science-fact blend where mankind’s hubris leads to the development of intelligence in apes and the onset of a war for supremacy.
PUMPED: Apes causing a large scale ruckus, money shots galore and slick CGI; this one looks like it will be a dope ride! Reminds me of I,ROBOT but with apes instead of Bots. Hopefully it’s better put together though and James Franco’s performance is more animated than the sleepwalking he does in the trailer.
FINAL DESTINATION 5
Release Date: August 12 , 2011
SYNOPSIS: Death makes a killing in the next instalment in the horror series which once again proves that no matter where you run, no matter where you hide…you can’t cheat death.
MEH: I got burned bad by the gory yet so vacuous that it killed most of my brain cells FINAL DESTINATION 4 so I can’t say that this one is calling my name. Hopefully they reintegrated likeable characters and an actual story that goes beyond kills for kills sakes in this entry (like Part 1 and 2 had). If I wanna endure a bunch of grating, moronic and self involved twats, I’ll just surf YouTube yo!
FRIGHT NIGHT REMAKE
Release Date: August 19 , 2011
SYNOPSIS: Senior Charlie Brewster (Anton Yelchin) finally has it all going on: he’s running with the popular crowd and dating the most coveted girl in his high school. In fact, he’s so cool he’s even dissing his best friend. But trouble arrives when Jerry (Colin Farrell) moves in next door. He seems like a great guy at first, but there’s something not quite right—but everyone, including Charlie’s mom (Toni Collette), doesn’t notice. After observing some very strange activity, Charlie comes to an unmistakable conclusion: Jerry is a vampire preying on the neighborhood. Unable to convince anyone, Charlie has to find a way to get rid of the monster himself in this Craig Gillespie-helmed revamp of the comedy-horror classic.
JUNK: I’ve already seen, loved and own FRIGHT NIGHT on DVD; I don’t want or need this cash-in dub polluting my retinas. The fact that the script was ho-hum doesn’t help “sell me” either. I’d rather watch the underrated FRIGHT NIGHT 2 again than tackle this one. BOO THIS MOVIE! BOOOOOOO!
CONAN THE BARBARIAN
Release Date: August 19 , 2011
SYNOPSIS: The tale of Conan the Cimmerian and his adventures across the continent of Hyboria on a quest to avenge the murder of his father and the slaughter of his village.
PUMPED: Although I am not sold on Jason Momea as Conan, the teaser sucks camel dongs and the 3D turns me off (last thing I think of when I hear the name Conan is 3D…come on!), I need a Conan fix mucho bad so this one is on top of my list! And being that director Marus Nispel did “some” great things with the similarly themed PATHFINDER (the violence was bang on and he successfully channelled the spirit of Frank Frazetta via his imagery), I have high hopes for this one.
DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK
Release Date: August 26, 2011
SYNOPSIS: A young girl sent to live with her father and his new girlfriend discovers creatures in her new home who want to claim her as one of their own
PUMPED: I adore Katie Holmes, the trailer creeps the beeyatch out of me and Guillermo del Toro producing usually means quality frights.
APOLLO 18
Release Date: August 26, 2011
SYNOPSIS: A quintessential Cold War story, Apollo 18 casts light on the covert and undocumented lunar mission that officially “never happened.” Bekmambetov, hired by Russia to shoot a documentary about the Russian space station, recently came across footage in its space archives that bolsters the idea that an Apollo 18 mission did, in fact, take place, and reveals startling evidence of extraterrestrial life forms. This actual footage will be part of Apollo 18, a paranormal thriller that will interpolate fact and fiction.
MEH: Sadly although cool looking I have a bad feeling about the Timur Bekmambetov-produced APOLLO 18. Why? Three reasons. 1- The word on the street is that its blows. Don’t shoot the messenger, but it’s what I heard from industry insiders who have seen it. 2- Its release date shuffle kind of reinforces Reason #1. It was first supposed to be released in March of 2011, it was then moved to April 2nd of 2011, then to January 2012 (!?!) and now it’s set for August 26, 2011. Why the juggling act if you have faith in your product? 3- Dimension Films acquired it and if there’s one company that knows how to mess up a movie in the editing room with the director locked out and kept out at gun-point; it’s them. hey I hope I am wrong but my guard is up with this one.
HAVE A GREAT SUMMER YALL!
(DUDE ON THE RIGHT IS HAVING A BLAST BTW! YEAH BITCH!)
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