EMAIL YOUR QUESTIONS TO TIFFANY HERE
Tiff
sayz: TIFFANY KNOWS! That’s right
bitches, I do know. I know all your dark, dirty, disgusting secrets that you
just love to vomit up here for the entire world (and the Canadians) to see. I
know how you don’t like sleeping with your wives, that you like dressing in
women’s clothing, I know that a few of you like to f*&k your cats. I KNOW ALL!
So here are a few more freaks and Geeks to add to your never-ending collection
of bathroom reading. READ OR DIE…well you may not die but just read, you’ve
already wasted 3 seconds what’s 39 more? And… BEGIN!
Javier asks:
Hello Ms.Shepis, I fell in love with a girl (I’m a man, I’m saying this so you
don’t give advice to a lesbian, although sometimes I dress myself as a woman and
then I’m a lesbian), she is the kind of girl you think of when you go to sleep
and the first thing that comes to mind when you wake up. There are so many
things that make her special, I don’t want to take much of your precious time
writing them all, but she is very beautiful, funny, smart, she even likes horror
and blood!!! Those things and many more just make her the most AMAZING girl in
the world, and I try to let her know that every day. But she doesn’t pays much
attention to me.
What do you think will happen if I go to her and plant her a kiss out of
nowhere? You have to know that she is a strong girl and she has very lovely
legs, that could end up kicking my noble parts! And even worst, with her love
for Horror she may even think of some tortures to make me pay. I also could get
her drunk to avoid all that, but that’s just not my style, but in an emergency,
what do you think I should order to get her drunk faster? If she is out there
reading this, here is a message: I love you Chica, for real!
Tiff Sayz:
Dear Javier, I have no clue
what you are talking about here. First you say you’re a dude but then you say
you dress like chicks and are a lesbian, huh? Basically you are saying you’re
confused. OK guess I get it.
You’re talking about this amazing chick who hmmm kinda sounds like me.
Interesting. Now if this chick is anything like ME I would have to say I really
don’t blame you. She sounds freaking fantastic. Well, here is what I would have
to say if indeed you WERE talking about me. Definitely DO NOT just walk up and
plant your lips on somebody that has no romantic interest in you. First off,
it’s un-sanitary, second, you may loose a friend and third, ITS JUST F*CKING
WEIRD!!!!! You said this person doesn’t pay attention to you. Well I don’t know
the exact circumstance but maybe she’s busy, maybe she has a boyfriend or maybe
“she’s just not that in to you”.
Now, if a person I wasn’t sleeping with just walked up and kissed me I would
punch him in the face, tazer his testicles, remove them, fry em on my grill and
give em to my neighbor’s senile grandmother. So that may not work. Now you
mentioned the other option of getting somebody liquored up in order to get
“licked” up….that wouldn’t work in your favor either. Like for instance you take
her out, get her f*cked up, and try something….yet she still doesn’t respond and
leaves the bar with some other dude ( one that she does like in that way). Now
you look like a weirdo freak and are still going home with your dick in your
hand.
Last option is to slip her some
date-rape drugs and throw her in your trunk. Now that would work, but still
you’ll get her home and even with all the torture, starvation and sleep
depravation, SHE STILL WON’T BE IN TO YOU-AT ALL. So my advice Javi is to just
man up, be her friend and jerk off thinking of her from time to time if need be.
Kevin T
asks: Cut or uncut, just kidding. What do you look for in a man, in and out of
bed? And did you really get engaged to Corey Haim? Are you both still together?
Tiff Sayz:
Hey big Kev! What do I look for in a
man? I look for “The Rock” and yes I mean Duane Johnson. If I can’t find him…I
look for a guy that didn’t get that leaning arm mortgage thing and can still
afford his crappy track home in the most undesirable part of town, I kinda have
always been partial to olive skinned guy’s which is odd cause I’ve dated many
dudes that make albinos look like islanders. I like dudes that make me laugh and
love my cooking. Dudes that think my movies suck but will never say so, dudes
that have been in at least ONE fight in there lives, guys that can handle
chillin at home but can still party hard at a convention, guys that LOVE
Christmas, and guys that smell good.
As far as what I look for in bed. I guess they should smell good in there too,
they should realize that three-sums are dumb cause chances are they can’t handle
ME in bed, how the f*ck are they gonna handle another bitch? They should last
more then 4.5 seconds, they should never EVER wear anything other than boxers,
use their hands A LOT and know that they need to change it up. Don’t always
“f*ck” don’t always “make love” don’t always “have a quickie”, don’t be a 80’s
druggie actor, don’t always do anything…make that shit different and it’ll never
get old. As for your second question, I’m sorry you only get one question here.
My time is valuable and well, I just wasted 4.5 seconds answering your first
one.;)
Steve S. asks: 1. Title of
‘Scream Queen’…still an honor or getting rather annoying now? 2. Most Scream
Queens (if not all) have their BIG role that they are best known for like Linnea
Quigley as Trash in Return of the Living Dead. Do you believe you have landed
your big role already or is it still to come?
Tiff Sayz:
What up Steve?? Nah the Scream Queen thing will
never get annoying and if you READ my column you would know this. It’s an honor
to hold that title. The only thing that maybe gets annoying now is seeing some
of these dumb bitches at conventions and such. They Claim to be a “Scream Queen”
after appearing in ONE crappy home-made torture flick. Or better yet the ones
that have only done a photo-shoot for some shitty fanzine or crappy horror
calendar. LAME. I think it comes with doing many movies ala Linnea or Brinke or
D-Ro and LOVING the genre. So f*ck yea I’m proud to be in that company!
As for landing my “big” role?
For sure not in anything that has come out yet. I mean “Bloody Murder 2” (crappy
movie) and “The Hazing” (great movie) kinda put me on the horror map, but still
they were not well known enough to be that BIG one so to say. I have made a few
this year that I think could have the power to be just that though. “The Violent
Kind”, “The Prometheus Project” and one that’s going to go un-named (haven’t
made it yet, but just in case). However it’s not up to me it’s up to you the
horror watchers and fans to let me know if that was the big one that sealed the
f*cking deal. You never know. I always said that could quit if I ever made a
horror film that was really good and hit a larger audience. So watch, buy and
love my shit!!!!!!
Tiff
sayz: So there you have it.
We learned a lot this week. We learned about stalkers and what said stalker
could DO or BE in bed for me to be entertained…and we learned some other crap
about my movies and scream queens. Catch ya next time, that is of course if I
haven’t been drugged and tied up in somebody’s basement. That would be the
opposite of awesome. xxx. T-Shepis
EMAIL YOUR QUESTIONS TO TIFFANY HERE
VISIT TIFFANY’S OFFICIAL SITE HERE
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