Normally we leave the action news for the Action Round-Up on Fridays, but we were handed information that was so explosive, so over the top, so above the law that we couldn’t keep it bottled up until then.
We’ve been given exclusive information, information that we have since confirmed with our inside sources, that after much deliberation, Steven Seagal has been cast in Sylvester Stallone’s testosterone-filled epic THE EXPENDABLES!!!
Just when you thought the cast couldn’t get any better–it does! Seagal joins the previously announced Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, Arnold Schwarzenegger (cameo–but still!), and Terry Crews. And now it’s official–THE EXPENDABLES is going to be the biggest man-movie to hit theaters since the 1980s!
Seagal busted onto the scene in ABOVE THE LAW and blew away audiences and the competition alike with his mad Aikido skills, lack of facial expression, and seemingly personal vendetta against organized crime. Seagal was on top of the world after following up ABOVE THE LAW with HARD TO KILL, MARKED FOR DEATH, OUT FOR JUSTICE, UNDER SIEGE, FIRE DOWN BELOW, and ON DEADLY GROUND. But somewhere along the way he lost his box office mojo, and wound up doing the straight to DVD circuit, and has starred in over 20 STD action flicks since his last theatrical appearance in HALF PAST DEAD. The man has been dying for a comeback, and only Stallone could take on the challenge.
What’s ironic is, the role Seagal has been cast as is the same role offered to Jean-Claude Van-Damme back in November. Word on the street is that Van-Damme actually came to Stallone’s house in Los Angeles asking for a second chance to take on the role in EXPENDABLES, but Stallone had to turn him down because Seagal had already signed the contract. WOW!
When asked why Seagal, Stallone said it was Seagal’s recent performance in AGAINST THE DARK that convinced the director that Seagal was right for the part. “Anyone who can believably fight vampires in an action movie like that has the acting chops to be in my picture.” Stallone also said that “I’ve wanted to work with Steven since ABOVE THE LAW, and he was my first choice to co-star with me in TANGO & CASH. I’m glad it’s finally coming together, and I hope to reinvent him as an actor, like Quentin Tarantino did for John Travolta in PULP FICTION.”
Seagal, who tends to shy away from the public eye because of his double life as a solo guitarist and radical environmentalist, was ecstatic to learn he stole the part from Van Damme. “I’m gonna take this role in THE EXPENDABLES to the bank… the blood bank. No one is above the law… except maybe Sly. And that is why I agreed to star. Plus, I’ve been waiting for a chance to show Doph and Jet what a real martial artist can do. I’ve seen THE PUNISHER and THE ONE. Those guys are pussies.”
Least to say Van Damme wasn’t very happy about loosing the role to Seagal. “I hate that fat f*ck. I can kick him in the face—he can’t even kick. I starred in J.C.V.D. and STREET FIGHTER! What has Seagal ever starred in? UNDER SIEGE? Who has even seen that? I’m the Muscels from Brussels! I’ve always had respect for Sly, but now… I’m not so sure. His judgment sucks. I’m the best actor that movie could have had, and I’ll be the one having the last laugh. If you thought I was a hard target before, just try and catch me now! I have a lions heart and have played in many blood sports—this isn’t the last you’ve heard of Van Damme!”
Our insider asked Stallone the reason why he cast Seagal instead of Van Damme, and he surprisingly got a real response. “Van Damme pissed me off by turning the role down the first time. I knew casting Steven would really get under his skin, so I took the low ground and beat him to the punch. I’ll have the last laugh, not Van Damme. I am the law when it comes to THE EXPENDABLES, and I’m also the cure. If Van Damme wants a war, then I’m gonna give him a war he won’t believe. I want what the fans want, and every other guy who spilled his guts and gave everything he had! For the fans to love us action guys as much as we love them. That’s what I want!”
So while Van Damme joins Kurt Russel, Forest Whitaker, and Ben Kingsley as EXPENDABLE rejects, the film now has Steven f*cking Seagal, a man who will bring a certain level of stone-faced toughness and mad karate skills that the rest of the cast simply can’t match. Plus, the guy knows how to fire a weapon and spit-off one-liners like it’s nobody’s business. But Seagal, ever the modest guy, has stated on several occasions that he’s just “a cook,” and would rather “play his guitar and hold panda bears” than raise a fist in anger or become Hollywood’s action hero whore again. That may be true—he may be just a cook and a musician, but his recipes are for more than just disaster… they’re for action and adventure, too!
As always, keep it here for all of your action needs, news, and EXPENDABLES updates, and in case you didn’t know, tune in on Friday for the regularly scheduled ACTION ROUND-UP!!!
The comment section exists to allow readers to discuss the article constructively and respectfully, focused on the topic at hand.
What’s Not Allowed