Hackers

Holy shit…I haven’t seen a movie this bad in quite some time! Talk about covering all of your bases of crappiness…HACKERS…let me count thee ways!

First of all, I know nothing about the dude who directed this film, but I’m gonna take a WILD GUESS here and say that he comes from a music video background! Am I right? Jeez, this was a music video pretending to be a movie, wasn’t it?!? I mean, c’mon…this whole thing must’ve been part of a major joke at the studio, right…?

Every actor in this movie stunk to high heaven, especially lead actor Johnny Lee Miller, who could NOT have played his character in a more wooden fashion. Dude, you ain’t Pinocchio, get that starch out of your shirt! And what’s with the sudden New Yawk accent halfway through the movie…?!? What the fuck….was anybody paying attention to the performances in this film?

But that’s only the beginning. You gotta love some of the horrible dialogue in this flick such as “We are like Samurai of the New Age…”. Ugh…did someone actually write that garbage? And plot, you ask? What plot!! This movie is more concerned with inserting “hip” songs into every other montage between the actors trying their best to pretend to look like they’re rollerblading, that it just lost itself within all of its emptiness (I could just hear the studio execs brainstorming, “let’s put these kids on rollerblades so that the teens in the audience will identify with them!”– uhhh, yeah, but how’s about actually TEACHING the actors to rollerblade…now there’s a novel idea!)

And Fisher Stevens as the bad guy?? C’mon man…what were you thinking? The only thing scary about this guy is that his head looks about ten times the size of his body! And why embarass the poor sap by having him haul a skateboard around every other scene? I mean, geez Louise…you haven’t seen a pathetic sight until you see poor Fish riding that thing with a terrified look of “I’m gonna call my agent after this shot” on his face…

Hilariously bad!!

And that’s not even getting into the ZERO chemistry between the two supposed “lovers” in this movie, the terrible fashions that the filmmakers made these poor actors wear, one of the most annoying performances ever by the man best known for annoying performances (Matthew Lillard) and a host of other problems that I won’t even bother getting into here…

So why am I even giving this “manufactured” piece of shit two points out of ten? Well, I did actually enjoy a couple of the tunes in this soundtrack, I mean “movie”, and also appreciated the actual basis of the film, which was HACKERS…but God knows the filmmakers were more interested in dressing their supposedly “nerdy” hacker dudes in black leather pants, then actually developing an interesting, plausible and engaging story-line involving three-dimensional human beings!!

Yeesh…a total mess from top to bottom, but surely a guilty pleasure for some people. Watch it stoned or drunk (or both), with some buddies and take a shot or a toke every time someone says something idiotic like “We have just gotten a wake-up call from the Nintendo Generation.”

You’ll be punch-drunk by the film’s first ten minutes and save yourself the torture of the rest of the movie…

Someone PLEAAAAAAASE write a decent “hacker” movie in Hollywood and let’s get this shit going already….!!!

(c) 2021 Berge Garabedian