Last Updated on July 23, 2021
Oh goody. Another TWILIGHT movie hits us this week and once again we get a chance to explore just how f*cking lame you can make vampires. I’m like, soooo psyched!
That said, this is not the first time that fangers have been made out to look like tortured teenagers and lovestruck morons. The whole vampire mythos is highly sexualized, so when it goes wrong the whole shebang can turn into little more than a cheap drag show.
TWILIGHT is by far the worst offender, and you’ll find no surprises at who takes number one on this list, but there are plenty of other blood suckers who coulda used a shot of testosterone to make their exploits a little less like the fantasies of a teenage girl.
As always, spit bullets if I missed your fav, or just take some time to muse on what makes for an awesome vamp to counteract the glitter ball coming our way this week.
WARNING – VAMPS WITHOUT BALLS BELOW!
10. DRACULA, Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Buy the BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA DVD here
FFC tackled the most famous vamp of all and sort of made a Harlequin romance figure out of the whole thing. It’s not that it wasn’t fun to watch, because it was, but good ole Dracula was little more than a lovestruck sap is this telling. When he wasn’t prancing about looking like an oh so proper English gent, he’s rocking what looks like cancer of the head as styled by Princess Leia. Not exactly bad ass.
9. CALEB COLTON, Near Dark
Caleb is one of many who are turned into a vampire and then decide that maybe it’s not such a great thing to be. So while this is a great movie and Caleb is faced with an interesting choice, we can’t ignore the fact that he spends a lot of time cowering and feeding off his waif-like girlfriend’s wrist. I’d also have more sympathy for him if he hadn’t all but forced himself on Mae in the cab of his truck. So he’s willing to flirt with being a sexual predator, he just won’t take the hunt all the way.
8. MARKO, The Lost Boys
How did Bill S. Preston, Esq. end up as a lost boy? You’ve got a legit crew of juvenile delinquents with fangs, led by a very pissed off young Jack Bauer, and then toss the vamp equivalent of a marionette into the bunch. He honestly comes off more like a mascot or a pet. He’s never intimidating in the least until he gets staked, and let’s be honest, that’s a little late.
7. AMILYN, Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Buy the BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER DVD here
I’ll grant you that the casting here was clearly for comedic effect, so the general lack of menace is understandable. Plus, you put anyone next to Rutger Hauer and they’re going to look a bit less manly. Especially an at the time victim of a recent sex scandal. This is actually a case where a fangers ridiculousness worked in his favor because the death scene he’s got is probably the most famous thing about the movie.
6. LOUIS DE POINTE DU LAC, Interview With The Vampire
Buy the INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE DVD here
Once again we’ve got a reluctant recruit to the creatures of the night, but in this case he’s actually out classed in the intimidation department by a Scientologist and a pre-teen Kirsten Dunst. That’s pretty weak sauce my friends. Hell, even our human interviewer has to act pretty hard to seem believably intimidated. Not particularly impressive.
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!
Follow the JOBLO MOVIE NETWORK
Follow us on YOUTUBE
Follow ARROW IN THE HEAD
Follow AITH on YOUTUBE